Articles

Dear Dr. Betty,

I am 37 years old, I'm 5'6" and about 108 very healthy pounds, no meds or history. I have been with someone for 8 months now. I have never really taken the time to masturbate until about 7 months ago when my partner recommended it, after he was stunned he couldn't give me an orgasm after hours of trying multiple times. I did go out and buy a pocket rocket and, that day, was easily able to give myself several orgasms in an hour. I think I may have masturbated a little as a teen, but wasn't really interested. Prior to meeting this partner, my orgasmic ability solely existed from sleep, as in I'd wake up to this wonderful sensation in the middle of the night.

That was before meeting him and I haven't had that type of orgasm since. Was that vaginal? Now, it's great to know I am orgasmic, I think both clitorally and vaginally however, I need help. First, my partner can make me squirt several times, no orgasm has ever accompanied it though. I actually squirt after running as well , weird, I know. How much longer after squirting may it be necessary for him to continue to stimulate me to bring me to orgasm? Second, I just cannot seem to have an orgasm manually, let alone by my partner still. I've masturbated for close to an hour several times and cannot seem to put myself into that extreme state of arousal to orgasm. Within seconds of bringing out my vibrator, even the new little lipstick sized one, I can then orgasm.

Now the interesting part, I can bring myself to orgasm the quickest if I am under pressure or stress (which I would think would be completely the opposite). Meaning, if I know I have to be somewhere with minutes to spare or if I feel like someone is coming and I'll have to stop, I can have a vibratory orgasm within seconds. The least amount of time with a vibrator, from start to finish, has been about 2.5 minutes. On average, without this rushed scenario if will take about 12 minutes of using my vibrator. That quick 2 minute orgasm only works when I am truly rushed, I tried playing mind games with myself, it doesn't work. I can't figure out how else to trigger an orgasm to occur quickly and my partner insists if he can't bring me to orgasm that there cannot be chemistry.

I am positive there is chemistry...I am extremely attracted and very aroused and stimulated by him, more so than any of the other 8 partners in my life, and I'm so bothered that I can't figure myself out to give of myself to him. One thing I have been practicing more of is solely trying to use the vibratory to put me over the edge, using it as little as possible and using my fingers first. The other thing I now do is once I have the orgasm the vibrator goes off and I continue to feel the orgasmic pulses by continuing with manual stimulation, which is effective.

Any suggestions as to what to tell myself or how to change my mindset so that my body reacts quickly, like when under the time constraints? Or, given your expertise, how much more training do you estimate my body to need to allow this to happen with ease and with a partner. Suggestions on what I could try? Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I haven't been practicing manually daily until this past week.

Dear J,

Another heterosexual victim who suffers from the lack of childhood and/or teen masturbation. The first important piece of your puzzle is that the clitoris is our primary organ for pleasure. The vagina is the birth canal and most men's favorite way to come thrusting inside. Although the myth of the vaginal orgasm continues to haunt women bc men really want us to come from their dicks.

Sorry Charlie! That just doesn't happen for 99% of women. Next they go for the G which is like a new name for vaginal orgasms. As you discovered, squirting might be fun for either or both of you BUT it is NOT the same as orgasm. A lot of guys like it cause they are back inside the vagina. Maybe that's because it's their favorite place when it comes to sex with a partner.

Orgasm is like any other skill, it must be learned and practiced. Chemistry has nothing to do with it so that's just his excuse not to have to bother with a woman who can't get off on his magic touch or penis. A smart man would be willing to explore with you, but this one is ready to take off. Let him go or do what millions of women do. . . fake your orgasms and then practice self-love on your own time w/o pressure from Romeo. A two minute build-up is a sexual hiccup for men as well as women. Unless a person learns to take some time to enjoy the process, why bother?

At 37 with no masturbation history, I'd recommend a more grown-up vibrator like the Magic Wand or the Eroscillator. The best lipstick or small sized vibe is a We-vibe Tango. You have reached a milestone in your sexual development. Now is your chance to learn about your sexual body and not to sacrifice authentic orgasms to get or keep a man. I'm enclosing links to get you started if that's the path you chose. Wishing you the best.

Dr. Betty