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Dr. Betty,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now and most of the time things are going great... except in the bedroom. I have a very healthy sexual appetite and I enjoy everything that sex has to offer but my boyfriend does not seem to see sex in the same way. Just for a background my boyfriend is young (19) and I am the older woman (25). So I have a lot more experience and I know exactly what makes me excited and I can tell he needs some teaching.

When we reached the physical part in the relationship he never seemed that interested in pleasing me. He tells me he needs to get used to being physical with someone again and it might take awhile because he just came home from Iraq right before we started dating. I know he has probably seen some awful things but I don't understand how that could make him uninterested in sex.

He later told me he gets grossed out by fingering.. he does not like the feeling on his fingers. I have NEVER heard of this before in my life. I personally love the feeling, it is smooth, wet, and warm...awesome! So he refuses to finger me. He says he will eat me out.. but he has yet to do it. This means when we do have sex I have NO foreplay. I try to explain to him how important foreplay is but he just gets upset and says I care too much about sex and getting off. Oh but he never complains when I want to take off his pants and please him with my mouth, it makes me mad sometimes!

During sex he does not seem to want to try a lot of positions. He sticks to doggie style and cowgirl. It is very hard for me to feel close to hime during sex because he makes it a more rough experience than an intimate one. I feel like he is trying to distance himself from feeling close to me during sex and I don't know if it is his PTSD or the fact that he has been cheated on a lot in the past. Either way I do not like it.

Since he had been so uninterested in sex I thought I would do some snooping on his computer to see what type of porn he was into, to see if I could do something to get him excited. So I looked in his search history... I found a lot of she-male porn websites and some beastiality websites both of which worries me. I did not click on any of the sites but I read their titles. I've tried to look into what types of men have these fetishies but I just don't know what to think. I am a very open person when it comes to sexuality but I am afraid he would rather have a man, a she-male, or an animal in bed than me. I don't know how to bring up the fact that I have seen his browsing history and I don't even know what to say to him.

In every other way he is the greatest guy. He is always there for me if I need him. He is sweet and caring. He listens to me and tells me the nicest things. He tells me how important I am to him and he truly has treated me with nothing but respect and kindness. I am just worried that since he likes she-male porn it means he is gay or bisexual. I just want the man I choose to be with and spend my life with to want me.. to be sexually attracted to me.

So I guess bottom line.. does this fetish stuff make him a hidden homosexual? And could his physical distance from me be because he has PTSD (which I know he has) or because he isn't attracted to me? Have you ever heard of a straight man not enjoying fingering a woman? Sorry this message is so long, I've just been listening to your blogs for so long and I figured if anyone could help it would be you. Thanks so much.

Dear D,

I had to smile when you said you were the older woman at 25. Not really Darling. As for your troubled vet, we have no idea what horrors he's been through and at such a young age! I think it's a wonder that any young man returning from Iraq ever overcomes the injustice of what we are doing to innocent people there. It's a miracle if any of them return to their former selves. So you must cut him some slack. Try to see the film Footlocker because it really shows some of the horrors America's occupation is causing, both to our soldiers and the Iraqi people.

You say you are worried that since he likes she-male porn, he might be gay or bisexual. And you wonder if his physical distance is because he has PTSD which has been confirmed. Then you ask if I've ever heard of a straight man not enjoying fingering a woman? I don't want to be grim but for all we know, he's had his fingers in a buddies wound trying to stop the bleeding from a roadside blast.

These kids have trouble talking about what they've seen and experienced even if they do get therapy. His attraction to Shemale porn does not mean he's gay or bisexual. Instead of worrying about whether or not he's attracted to you, I suggest you get off his case as to what you need and want in the sex and romance department. You are still living in the dream world of Romantic Ideals with love and passionate sex forever while he's been to Hell and back. For now, rely more on masturbation and be very patient. If that doesn't work for you then you should move alone.

Dr. Betty