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Dear Doctor Betty,

My boyfriend takes a VERY long time to orgasm, and often goes soft before he can finish, resulting in him having no orgasm at all. He has admitted that taking a long time has always been a problem for him, and we can often end up having sex for an hour or two, often without him even managing to orgasm at the end. As you can imagine, during these lengthy sessions I get rather sore with the friction (even with lubrication) and it puts me off having sex with him, because I just know that we're going to be there for hours and I won't be able to sit down afterwards... we can never just have a quickie!

I'm increasingly finding myself avoiding sex because I just don't have two or three hours to spare, or because I don't fancy being sore for days on end. Also it makes me feel inadequate if he can't orgasm; even though I know it isn't my fault I still feel like I'm not turning him on enough. He claims that nothing is wrong and he doesn't know what the problem is, but he has admitted that when he's alone he can orgasm in around ten minutes, so this problem only occurs when he's with a partner. Do you have any helpful advice for solving this problem?

Thanks,
K

Dear K,

You and your boyfriend are victims of the idea that there is one right way to have an orgasm, "a penis inside a vagina!" Not so! As long as he can come with masturbation within ten minutes, I suggest you do penis/vagina sex for as long as you like and then change over to sharing masturbation. Or any other permutation where you both end up coming.

If you were trying to have a baby, then he'd have to give you his sperm in another fashion like a turkey baster. I've heard of some men having a similar problem like your boyfriend. Psychologically speaking, it could be based on his fear of causing an unwanted pregnancy. Once you figure a new way to share orgasms I'll bet he'll get over this. Or not. The point is that you nor him must only come using the pro-creative model of sex. Be more creative and experimental. Have fun! And stop judging yourselves because mama/papa sex doesn't work for him. He might want to seek counseling but try what I suggested first.

I repeat, have fun!

Dr. Betty