To Be Seen Fully is Scary
The week leading up to our first Bodysex Workshop was so exciting. Unwrapping and charging Magic Wands, sterilizing barbells, filling up the almond oil bottles, it was all coming together.
Samantha and I were having our own little Bodysex throughout the week to prepare, going through all the rituals, and getting really clear on what we wanted to create with the women and how we wanted it to feel. We were ready before logistically, but when we realized that this is also going to be FUN, we were really ready. We knew that no matter what happened, we could handle it. We had to break the barriers between the two of us before we could hold space for women to break those same barriers. It is incredible that we have an opportunity to turn some of our most embarrassing, private, insecure moments into a celebration, and to actually enjoy the process.
(drum roll please)
Samantha answers the door naked. The women come in nervous and reserved. But we knew that was all about to change. It was interesting to see because we knew most of the women previously, and they manage to keep it together so well with their clothes on. As they stripped down, it became clear that they were hiding. It’s hard to say what feeling exactly they were giving off…insecurity, shame, feeling small, in pain, doubtful, deer-in-the-headlights numb, fragile, embarrassed. We applaud each of their bravery. Women dropping their clothes, exposing their FULL selves, as if to say, “hey I don’t really like myself, but this is me,” is an honest and courageous act.
Our first ritual is going around the circle saying how we feel about our bodies and how we feel about our orgasm. The second ritual is genital show and tell. Can you see why there were nervous?!
To be seen fully is scary. To look for the good and the beauty and uniqueness in what you have feels challenging at first. Each woman that sat down was a little bit afraid. We have been so conditioned to want to be “normal.” No two women looked the same, so it’s scary leading up to your turn, because you know that whatever you have going on is not like anyone else’s… and what if it’s terrible?! What if everyone is speechless at the weirdness of your pussy? And then when you finally muster up the courage to look up at everyone seeing you, you are so exposed, you have nothing to hide, and all you see are curious faces admiring and taking in your uniqueness. To be able to look and see the uniqueness of others is beautiful. There is a lot of feels going on in genital show and tell, and a lot of relief, too.
We hold on to such negative thoughts about ourselves and we keep them true in our minds. To share and then be met with love, it becomes clear that our insecurities could possibly be bullshit. And then to see other women that you find so beautiful express the same insecurities as you, you almost feel upset that they feel that way about themselves because it is so obviously not true. Then you have to deal with the fact that you are not the ONE exception, that your innermost fears/insecurities must also not be true.
It is clear that we have not been nurtured. No wonder. Our society is not set up for this. You better look perfect, and keep anything that isn’t, covered up. Our mothers can’t do this job for us as adults. It would be “inappropriate” for her to look at you nude and give you the truth. And even if she did, you probably wouldn’t believe her. It is too bad we live in a culture that has made nudity so taboo.
We had women ranging from 19-64, of all different sizes and shapes. But shame does not discriminate. We all have wounds to heal. This is what one of the women said after the first day:
“I believe we are all so innocent with our sexuality and it takes proper learning like you and Sam are providing to undo the way started and relearn what is really true for us. “
Amen. It’s time to set the record straight. We are all beautiful. We need to take pride in our uniqueness. Letting go of shame is one thing. But to try on the energy of PRIDE is so powerful. We believed the Dalai Lama when he said the Western woman will save the world. And we know that that woman is not playing it small, living in doubt and shame. That woman is fucking PROUD. We have made it into a competition, a bad thing to be considered “vain”… “Don’t be TOO confident now, you don’t want to make others uncomfortable.” Bull shit. There is no scarcity of power or confidence, and yours will light the way for others.
Witnessing women try on that pride for the first time is beautiful. We love day 1.
The women walk in to Day 2 eager to get naked. It already felt so playful. It probably didn’t hurt that they were met by Samantha dancing naked to Nelly’s ‘It’s Getting Hot in Here.’ If Day 1 is about letting go of body shame, then Day 2 is definitely about celebrating. Lots of women shared they really enjoyed taking space for themselves after day 1, and had really good sleeps. Several women shared how present they were to the beauty of people around them on the bus, in the street. Some were still nervous for Day 2.
Day 2 we do a circle share again, we have an opportunity to let go of any lingering sexual shame. For many women this was incredibly healing, to say what guilt they were holding on to (and planning on taking to the grave), and then to realize they are not alone. We all had something we were keeping secret, and the sisterhood was there for us.
Now we were ready for some serious pleasure. The women gathered around Samantha as she showed them Betty’s “Rock and Roll Technique.”
For so many of us, we masturbate to cum. Period. We did. We have trouble taking our time. We know how to get there and we usually take the same route. We let the women know that every orgasm is a good one and to celebrate each and every one. We also encourage them to really get into their bodies and feel what is good; perhaps take the road less traveled by. To enjoy the journey. Who cares if you cum? Did it feel good? Let go of the need to cum. Enjoying the process is where it is at. Women’s bodies are incredible. We can feel pleasure and cum in infinite ways. It is a massive creative outlet that many women never tap into, because they have these “orgasm blinders” on. We become so attached to the end result we forget to enjoy the creation, and the dance of pleasure. Kinda like life, huh? Orgasm in everything.
Not only are we impatient to cum, we also have shame around cumming. We have been taught to cum quietly, quickly (so we don’t get caught, or so we can keep up to our partners and have one of those ridiculously esteemed simultaneous orgasms), or to cum in a beautiful or stereotypically hot way (thanks porn!). Anyway, there is a lot of shame around our orgasm, too. That is one of the healing things about erotic recess: to get over yourself, to accept that however you cum is perfect, and to simply follow what feels good and let go of looking good. And then to see what real women look like cumming, that is not only awesome and healing, but also hot.
People think it is insane to masturbate together with other women. Are we all lesbians? Isn’t it awkward? How does that work? Let’s set the record straight. It’s awesome. It is not sexual. It is intimate (we are close). We are focused on pleasuring ourselves. We are all having an individual sexual experience. Many of us keep this part of ourselves so private. To put it out there in the open is freeing. To be able to make yourself feel good, unabashedly, without shame is powerful. It is about letting go of pleasure anxiety. About being able to be your true authentic self in front of other people. It is about turning your SELF on, being the source of your own pleasure. In the safety and support of a circle of sisters. Independence and connection all at once. It’s pretty addictive
Waves of orgasm that the women catch and ride together, giggling, lots of giggling, laughing, celebrating, cheering each other on. Why don’t we do this all the time? To crawl up in between orgasms for a bite to eat, to chat, to marvel in the energy in the room, it really is special (we also have killer tunes and homemade cookies… just sayin’).
In the afterglow of erotic recess, we break for group massage.
We split into 2 groups, and each woman gets massaged by the others for 5 minutes each side. It is so beautiful and healing to have nurturing non-sexual, no agenda, loving touch.
Need we say more?
We finish the day in a circle, knee to knee, left palm up, right palm down, hands in hands. The physical barriers have been broken, we are close physically, and open emotionally. Who would have thought that the group of nervous women that walked in the door just yesterday would be here now. We breathe together, feel the energy in the circle, look into each others eyes, and then we have the final share. Each woman shares one word that encapsulates how they feel. We have been bonded as sisters now, and there is no forgetting what happened this weekend.
We have been changed.