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Dear Dr. Betty

Now 21, I have been heavily curious in exploring different acts of sex since I first started masturbating - whether with males, females, multiple partners, role play, manual, fetishism, fantasy, and so on. It would first take an imaginative form, (and regrettably I'd have sought out pornography to fulfill it) but eventually I began to physically experiment with my fellow friends which gave me much excitement and enjoyment. My appetite for new sexual experiences merely grew.

Since entering my relationship with a 28 year old male, who I'd initially started seeing 12 months ago to mutually explore both of our sexual fantasies and interests, I have gradually felt more and more restricted in my sexual exploration, and felt less and less interest in pursuing it – I guess because it feels that I’ve made it a priority to preserve our monogamy, and the new-lovers spark is wearing thin. I should assert that my partner does encourage me to explore new methods with him. We have tried role-play once or twice (which I now find difficult to engage in without feeling like a ridiculously unconvicing pornstar) and discussed the idea of bringing in a “guest”, but apart from that we have settled into a very limited routine of oral and vaginal sex.

I have personally been contemplating whether the problem is in my attitude towards having a monogamous relationship (which I sometimes feel somewhat restricted by), or whether this is just the result of not giving myself enough time to explore sexually while unattached (though I believe I should still be able to share new experiences with my partner), or if I'm just completely uninspired and really just need some good pointers on how to involve my partner in new and exciting sex experiences.

While I don't really have a question to round this whole message off, I guess what I'm seeking is your opinion and analysis of sorts, and any tips or advice on keeping a relationship sexually primed.

My best regards and thanks.

Dear H,

In my opinion, 21 is too young to "settle-down" in a monogamous relationship. Our youth is a time for exploring, learning and being free to try new things. Later on when you want to make a commitment to one person, then you won't feel like you are missing out on other experiences. If you are sexually uninspired now after only 12 months, just imagine how you would feel in 10 years.

Most all couples, especially those in long term monogamous relationships sing the "Sex is Boring Blues." Why we have surrendered to monogamy is in my mind a religious concept similar to "celibacy" that is impossible to achieve. So we are all sinners and guilty which makes it easier for any religion to control us through sexual guilt. The book stores are filled with titles on How-To tips and advice on how to keep a relationship sexually primed. The best one is "Mating in Captivity" by Ester Peril. Or read "Sex at Dawn" which is my favorite about how we are really just one of the Apes that are not designed for sexual monogamy. Your a very thoughtful young woman. Just don't limit yourself at such an early age.

Dr. Betty