Sexual Fantasy is as Important as Genital Stimulation

Mon, 07/27/2015 - 10:55
Submitted by Betty Dodson

While I understand vibrators are here to stay along with other sex toys and porn, the younger generation seems to be overly reliant on technology. They forget our most potent sexual motivation is the human brain.

Before being hooked on my vibrator, I'd made it to the age of 35 with just manual masturbation while focusing on one of many sexual fantasies I’d stored up since childhood. The neighborhood dogs getting stuck together after mating. Watching our rabbits go at it when we had a hutch in the backyard. The pony in a vacant lot down the street with its two foot penis hanging out that nearly reached the ground. Of course our sex games in childhood that began with playing “house.” were also extremely exciting. It seems today children are so closely supervised they rarely get a chance to play together without an adult nearby.

Instead of just lying down and throwing a switch on your vibrator or sitting down at your computer to view porn, consider beginning your selfloving session by massaging your sex organ using organic massage oil: (Coconut or Almond works fine). Even occasionally viewing this process in a mirror with a good light makes the relationship to your genitals more personal by "keeping in touch" both manually and visually. This applies to both boys and girls.

Too many girls are putting a vibrator on their clitoris expecting to "get off" as quickly as a boyfriend who ejaculates within a few minutes while viewing porn. Neither scenario has any creative input from their imaginations. I fear online porn for boys and vibrators for girls is taking away youth's ability to dream up scenarios about some kind of sexual encounter, adventure or even a romantic love story to heighten the physical sensations they’re feeling in their genitals.

My question to you is “What are you "thinking" when you masturbate?”

The reason I ask is because I’m convinced sexual fantasy is as important as the kind of genital stimulation being used. Online porn offers full color ever changing glossy images of sex that can also be cruel or nasty making the forbidden even more appealing because well paid porn stars are faking screaming orgasms. This has becomes Americas basic sex education other than a few online sites that offer more valid information such as D&R.

So why do I believe what’s on your mind when masturbating is important? As a fine artist, I eventually realized that fantasy was at the heart of my creative process. To first imagine something and then proceed to manifest it is what creativity is all about. I'm not saying each session of selflove has to be a big production or masterpiece, there's always room for "quickies," but PLEASE, stop and consider what kind of a lover you are being for yourself physically and mentally.

Have you tried "Edging an orgasm?" It’s when I stop right in front of coming and drop back, then build up again. Each time the desire to "let go" grows more intense until I can hold back no longer and finally blast off. Edging allows me to build up sexual tension that enhances my orgasm by holding off and teasing myself while desire grows more urgent and intense. When I finally do "let go" it isn't just a blip or a hick-cup, it's a meaningful moment! This is a healing orgasm at it’s best.

Yes, I know times are moving fast and it’s really difficult to find privacy. Especially in the nuclear family which seems to be designed to curtail personal freedoms. And we can all agree that jerking off in the bathroom is far from ideal although it’s often the only door we are allowed to lock. Even away at school or sharing an apartment means dealing with roommates so unless you agree on some plan to take turns for a bit of privacy, most of us are SOL. We all know the excitement of being home alone, the ultimate sexual freedom not only when we’re young, but at any age.

As for hiding your sex toys, don't bother. Instead, wait for friends and family to find your vibrator sitting there in plain view on your night stand. Or a bottle of massage oil with a box of condoms. Seveeral things are possible: They won’t say a word, they will laugh, or if it’s a parent they might hit the roof over those "awful things!" Either way, there’s a real possibility of having an honest discussion about sexuality. Sharing your masturbation practices with a parent, sibling, roommate or lover often opens up a healthier sexual dynamic between daughter and mother, husband and wife or even lovers. This might be more liberating than one can imagine. I’ve heard stories of toxic relationships becoming warm friendships, especially between kids and parents where they try to control daughters and sons which can erupt into a cold or hot war that’s never won.

So let’s begin each selfloving session with the following considerations: What’s on your mind after you close the door, get out your lube and stretch out to make love to yourself? Then build a repertoire of yummy dirty or romantic fantasies that will see you through a lifetime with an abundance of happy orgasms.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Tue, 07/28/2015 - 18:09
J Lynn (not verified)


Giving yourself permission to fantasize

Wed, 07/29/2015 - 23:00

Love this piece Betty!  Throughout most of my adult life, I essentially had zero fantasies.  I don't know why I didn't, but I just didn't.  Then one day, I had a conversation with a very wise woman who encouraged me to look at the world with new eyes and to indulge in fantasies.  It was a little weird at first, but after some practice, I can confidently say that whether I'm at work, or commuting, or grocery shopping, I feel comfortable letting my mind wander from time to time when someone catches my eye or makes my heart beat a little faster.  It's extra erotic knowing that they have no idea what's going on inside my head.  I now have built up a repetoire of nice "go to" fantasies for masturbation, and have also gotten in touch with the things that really turn me on.  Yay fantasies!


Thu, 07/30/2015 - 21:02
Vince C. (not verified)

Honest question, Betty -

Should you limit your mind / fantasies when masturbating? I remember watching a D&R video where you stated you had fantasies of the boyscouts and Carlin (hilariously) said you were going to be investigated by the Justice Department.

Is there a limit to sexual fantasies? I guess Sade might have answered my question already...

Incriminating fantasies?

Gestal'thiano's picture
Sat, 09/19/2015 - 11:48

The most erotic moment of Betty's memoire's (at the time of reading) was the moment when her brother held her hand over his cock while masturbating to show how he made white stuff come out of it.

Fantasy does not inhibit. Only lack of it does.

Flip side?

Wed, 08/12/2015 - 08:35

My gorgeous girl doesnt "get" kissing. She's an intensely "literal" lover. What makes sense, makes sense, what doesn't, doesn't.

Married to a clueless lover, nothing surprises me. Kissing didnt make sense.

We have a fabulous, though infrequent sex life. We laugh, enjoy, fuck ourselves silly on the odd occasions when we can. We meet often non sexually

I can do without the kissing I think.


What works

Sat, 08/15/2015 - 17:18

Kissing can be so erotic but it has to be just right for me. I totally understand where your lover is coming from - if it works, great and if not, well let's move on to something that does.

Thanks NLH!

Mon, 08/17/2015 - 04:45
johnjohnjohnjohn (not verified)


Like I said I'm cool with the no kissing deal. We've been together for nearly 4 years now, so i know what's not worth pushing. Considering the horrors that my girl has been through, I'm just ecstatic that she's healed to the degree that she is:)

By and large (did you know, that's an old sailing ship reference?) we get on brilliantly well. We're happy with, and supportive of, each other.

Looks like sex might be retreating to a couple of times a year because of circumstance changes, but what the heck? We can deal with that too!

reading posts about youngsters worrying about their "junk", I had to spend a great deal of patient time with my girl (in her late 40s at the time) leading her to the point where she was able to accept/believe that all of HER junk is normal. And damned gorgeous too, I might add...

It's funny, having a totally "literal" lover. Once I introduced her to, and persuaded her to enjoy, masturbation (albeit only with a pillow), she made the transition instantly. "Well of course. It's normal, why not?". 

But kissing hasn't made the same leap of belief...


I love her to shreds though. I'm a very lucky guy:)

Mining for gold in one's past sex life

Sat, 11/26/2016 - 18:55
Imaginative-Male-Writer (not verified)

Hi all. I'm loving this site! For many reasons!
I'm a mid-50s heterosexual male. After 40-some years of self-loving (that I'm just now getting around to admitting to, even to close friends) I'm loving the idea of these honest discussions.

I have to strongly and wholeheartedly agree with Betty's comments about the huge importance of fantasy. I'd go a step farther: as a guy, I would say that, yes, porn made for men is largely catering to the "cum way too fast" mentality. There's more to a sex life than just ejaculating.

This is going to sound crazy, coming from a guy, but when I first "discovered" ejaculation, it was a major let-down, for me. I had been exploring my own self for so long, and getting so good at it, that the major complaint was becoming taking up the family bathroom for way too long -- and this was before I had "discovered" ejaculation. To me, what that meant was the fun was over with. I was actually kind of pissed off, as a boy in puberty, when that "came" up. All the building-up and building-up stages of things, were suddenly cut short, by that first cum.

Enjoying getting there, I think, is all but a dying art. (For guys, anyway.) I'm beginning to think that, while Standard Issue porn serves it's purpose, for men, that even they need fantasy -- if they intend to learn to "hang on" and are willing to get serious about exploring their bodies.

But I love BD's ideas, for more than just the reasons than she talks about.

Specifically: I write.

Up until recently, I kept my childhood's shame, guilt, and repression foremost, where sexuality of any kind was concerned. If I had some great little "not quite sex" experience (by which I mean, by the "cock in hole" standard) or other that I really liked, I didn't tell others. I only allowed stuff like that to continue to exist, in my own head. Which, over the years, probably helped me a lot more than I realized, in "creating fantasy stories". I can't believe, now, that I wouldn't even write down "enjoyable stuff about my sex life" type of stuff, even in my own private "just to enjoy the writing process" journals.

About a month and a half ago, I finally got over that. I started a second set of personal journals strictly for "sex stuff"; since I could not bring myself to put those thoughts into my "daily life journals". Doing that has cleared out a lot of long-overdue mental / emotional blockage.

Seeing repressive stuff "in the light of day" takes the edge off of various ideas that society or religion or whatever has pushed into a person's mind. The stupid ideas shrivel and die, in the light. And I'm glad I'm killing those "shalt nots" off, one by one. It's long overdue in my life!

I had never written down any of the moments I had long treasured, from my sexual past -- but, wow, is doing that a major eye-opener! What were just little private moments, existing only in my head a couple of months ago, are now down on paper. And sound pretty darned good!

For far too many years, I pushed many sexual experiences that did not end in "cock in hole" (as Betty calls it) sex, with a partner, into a deep sub-basement of my mind, and kept them there. Why? Stupid "guy logic" and Social Conditioning. Guys are brought up in really dysfunctional ways; and even if you know it's idiotic, it's sometimes hard to "get past". Guys seem to really buy into the idea that if you're not inserting a penis into a vagina, then you didn't have "sex".

In widening the definition to include heavy petting, kissing, and so on: Yeah, there's a lot of it!

I can't believe it took me 50+ years to even admit to liking that "non-sex" stuff, so much!?!

In writing down many of my fondest "near misses" (by that standard) and re-examining them, in the light of day -- (by the standard of, "If it felt good to you, it was sex") -- I find that, now, I'm set for months with real-life-turned-into-fantasy type of stories. I've shared some of them with close friends; and some of those stories, I'm told, did the trick for being mind-blowers -- even if, by "penis into vagina" standards, they don't "count" as being "sex".

My current favorite is about a very life-loving, uninhibited, party animal female friend of mine who, when I was in the Air Force in the 1980s, had once masturbated herself in front of half a dozen guys, during a party in the barracks. (No, she didn't end up being raped!) What was sexy as hell, to me, was how she did it. This was all fully clothed, but with a, shall we say, fiery twist to her method. One that's not recommended! But Sweet Fancy Moses, was it fun to see!

It's amazing to me that I was sitting on a masturbatory goldmine, and was clueless that was the case. And, in fact, was almost embarrassed that those stories so often "weren't sex".

I encourage others to write down some of their own past, and to use it for fantasy purposes. You may be surprised at what results. I'm re-examining things from my past, and having my mind blown at all of the great stories I've been hiding away, as if they were not good enough.