Although society has yet to honor a sexually experienced woman, I’ve gotten a lot of personal satisfaction knowing what I want when it comes to partnersex. It’s always a pleasure to be with a person who is self-assured— confident in their ability to give and receive pleasure.
I prefer a man who can maintain an erection long enough to enjoy the dance of sexual love. If he’s not a cocksman, he has mastered oral and manual sex skills. Before any sexual contact takes place, we discuss birth control instead of him assuming it’s my sole responsibility. The following list also applies to women lovers.
1. Before any genital contact takes place, oil based lubrication comes first.
2. Their touch is gentle and I’m encouraged to guide them or to even show them how I like my clitoris to be stimulated.
3. As I get more aroused, they never try to match my excitement but remain a steady drummer keeping a consistent beat.
4. They savor slow penetration when entering my vagina.
5. They totally approve if I want to take control of my own clitoral stimulation.
6. If I use a vibrator they never felt threatened.
7. When I desire penetration while vibrating, they’re happy to oblige using a penis, fingers or a dildo.
8. They support my orgasm without claiming it as their own creation.
9. After we share orgasms, we enjoy spending affectionate time while we remain physically close talking about our lives.
10. Sometimes we go over those special moments that were particularly successful in making our sexual exchange enjoyable.
Of course I could go on for many pages covering a multitude of non-sexual aspects worth their weight in gold— like intelligence, thoughtfulness, affectionate, sense of humor, and the ability to share aspects of their inner lives. As for appearances, the most handsome man or beautiful woman can turn ugly quickly due to their self-centered ways, while a homely person can become beautiful due to their generous spirit. With maturity, I was far less dedicated to outward appearances than in my youth.
Nowadays when it comes to discussing sex, men and women respond differently. First off, the idea of looking for “sexual tips” needs to be replaced by learning “sexual skills.” While many women would rather speak of love and commitment and guys often act like they already know everything, couples need to have a conversation about what they like or need to order to enjoy orgasms. This is no easy task. Men have told me that when they ask their girlfriends what they like, they are either accused of being “too clinical” or she has no idea what she likes. Women have said when they suggest reading a specific sex book, their boyfriends get defensive. However, if you were discussing skills about how to improve his golf swing, or to better apply her make-up, both sexes would most likely be interested. Talking openly about our sexual preferences is sadly lacking. Most of us are tongue tied when it comes to speaking about sex.
One of the things most women want in a lover is a man who can get and keep his erection. Conscious masturbation practiced on a regular basis is the key to his erectile function. Getting hard is rarely a problem for most guys when they are young and healthy. For this age group staying hard is the challenge. But as men age, the arteries narrow, blood thickens, and it takes more time and effort to get an erection.
That two-minute hand-job in the morning shower is not circulating his sex energy fully or teaching our youth to sustain a hard-on. In every age group, “quickies” are training men to come fast which will interfere with their ability to enjoy the dance of erotic love to its fullest when they are with a partner.
Wilhelm Reich once stated that how a person feels about masturbation is how they feel about sex in general. Back in “the good old days” of abundant casual sex, I used to determine whether or not a man would be fun in bed by asking him how he felt about masturbation. The ones who said they never had to masturbate or they only did it to relieve sexual tension were eliminated immediately. Trial and error taught me that many of those hot looking Romeos were just using a woman’s vagina for masturbation. In all the years I’ve listened to women talk about sex, the most common complaint is that intercourse never lasts long enough. Just as she’s getting turned-on, he ejaculates. Some guys just roll over and go to sleep while others continue with oral or manual sex.
Learning Ejaculatory Control: Men who want partnersex to last longer must learn how to delay ejaculation by training themselves to sustain higher levels of arousal through the practice of masturbation. When I asked an older man how he learned to stay hard, he said besides being an avid masturbator, fear motivated him. He grew up when condoms were difficult to obtain and if you were lucky enough to get laid, holding off as long as possible and then pulling out was the major form of birth control. Most agree that a man’s pre-come doesn’t have enough sperm to cause a pregnancy, but it’s always better to err on the side of caution.
Today the X-generation takes condoms for granted. They are the best method for protecting against STD’s. When one of my young lovers became sexually active, he said at first when his condom was nice and tight, it dampened sexual sensation, which helped him to maintain his erection. But during intercourse when the condom stretched (even with plenty of lube) the sensual feeling of her vagina along with a loose condom rubbing over his dickhead created additional sensation. This combination often caused him to come quickly. Convinced partnersex could be better; he set out to develop what he called “come control.” Along with reading every book he could find on the subject of sex, he masturbated religiously to practice holding off his ejaculation.
Conscious Masturbation: If you are not circumcised, your own foreskin will give you adequate lubrication and sensation. To have baby boys routinely circumcised is a form of male genital mutilation. Fortunately, this unnecessary surgery is happening less. If you are circumcised an organic massage oil will make masturbation far more sensual. If none is available, a combination of saliva and pre-come is better than nothing. There are many ways to handle your penis. Some men use the palm of their hand circling the shaft and others circle the glans or head of the dick with a thumb and forefinger. A few use both hands. Be experimental and try different techniques. It’s a good idea to vary the rhythm and use a gentle grip. Your other hand can massage your testicles, nipples or anus. Pay attention to your sensations— what feels good, what feels neutral and what gets your build-up going.
Conscious masturbation allows you to become familiar with your arousal pattern. Try to practice several times a week like an athlete working out or a musician learning to play an instrument. Depending upon your age, it’s not uncommon to take months to a year to gain consistent control and be confident that you can last between ten to thirty minutes during partnersex. The degree of self esteem you get is well worth the effort.
Practicing Come Control: The classic squeeze technique is what most books and magazines discuss. Masters and Johnson used this method for married couples with the wife providing manual stimulation for her husband. She stimulated him until he told her he was getting close to coming. Then she would stop and squeeze just under the glans of his penis until the urge to ejaculate subsided. After a moment, she resumed stimulation and they would repeat the process. Some men complained their wives were too rough when they pinched them. I suspect a few were expressing old resentments from all the times she didn’t get to have her orgasm. Besides, why should it be her job to train him when it’s his dick?
My recommendation is for each man to train himself long before he gets married. However if you are currently married, it’s never too late to improve your sex skills if you are willing to put in a little practice time the same as if you were out on the driving range improving your golf swing. Men who are married or living with a lover need to create a space where they have privacy and can concentrate. During masturbation, just before you feel the surge toward ejaculation, stop and press your thumb and finger just under the rim of your glans or at the base of your penis. Semen travels through the urethral tube that runs up the underside of the penis. Squeezing this tube while relaxing will also retard ejaculation. After chilling out a moment, start stroking again. Repeating this process will allow you to learn how to sustain higher levels of sexual arousal.
Some men think about something not related to sex to impede a climax. One lover said he became a “fuck monk,” putting sex images and hot fantasies out of his mind. Instead he focused on benevolent feelings toward imaginary girlfriends while playing somber music. Fortunately he didn’t have access to Internet porn which is creating a nation of fast ejaculators. Porn offers way too much visual stimulation so coming fast is inevitable. Another problem is when a young man uses such a tight grip that a vagina doesn’t offer sufficient stimulation. More about the use and abuse of Internet porn will be in another post.
Stop/Start: While masturbating, instead of squeezing, simply stop all stimulation just before the autonomic ejaculation system kicks in by taking your hand away. As your dick stands alone in the breeze, you might feel a tight sensation or a slight cramping, but nothing that painful. Once the orgasmic feeling calms down you can start stroking again. Within a short period of time, orgasmic feelings leading up to ejaculation return. Again take your hand away before the autonomic ejaculation switch is thrown. One friend of mine called this process “Staying on rainbow ridge.” Enjoying orgasmic sensations without the finality of ejaculation is pleasurable. Most men enjoy these pre-orgasmic sensations just before ejaculation.
Pelvic Floor Muscles: The PC muscle or pubococcygeus is a key player in sexual pleasure for both sexes. It affects a man’s ability to get hard, stay hard and have a full orgasm. This is the muscle that both women and men use it to hold back urine and contracts involuntarily during ejaculation. Men need to strengthen their PC muscle by consciously squeezing and releasing it doing rounds of repetitions. As you grow older, weak pelvic floor muscles will result in urinary incontinence, difficulty in getting erect and weaker ejaculations with orgasm.
Women struggle to have orgasms so I suggest they pump the PC muscle. Men struggle to keep from coming so relaxing the PC muscle often helps. Other men claim that tightening the PC helps to hold off orgasm. Some bear down a bit, which is done with the same muscular movement as forcing the stream of urine to flow faster. Observe this muscle during moments that feel best and experiment.
Just remember that keeping the pelvic floor muscles relaxed is a constant challenge. Even after years of conscious control, it’s still easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and suddenly realize you are climbing to orgasm because your PC muscle just tightened. Taking slow deep belly breaths can sometimes help to relax the muscle.
Devoting all of your J.O. time to a disciplined practice and introspection could become boring. Allow yourself sessions for pleasure only, some for practice only, and at times try a combination of the two. Always treat yourself to an orgasm in the end so you will be motivated to practice again. I welcome men’s comments on what works for them when it comes to learning how to last longer. Back in the sixties, Kinsey put the national average of erection after vaginal penetration at 2 ½ minutes. Hopefully some men will be motivated to improve that number. Pleasure is worth learning and practicing. Ask any woman who loves sex.