Young Lover Can't Keep Erection

Hi Dr. Betty:

My older husband has been impotent for over 3 years due to a prostate issue. He agreed that I could take a lover, and i found a young sexy man whom i assumed to be virile with a high libido, who showed a lot of interest in me. Problem is, he can't seem to hold an erection long enough for penetration. He says he is okay with the fact that my husband sometimes participates, and with the whole situation in general--even when my husband gives us some privacy, he still can't perform! In the half dozen times we've been together, he was only able to penetrate once (at his place), and he went soft when inside me, and had to masturbate to get hard again. It took much exertion for him to come, and he was sweating profusely-i was a bit worried actually. The hardest he will get is with oral, and using my hands doesn't seem to work well at all. I try to be as sexy as possible, asking him what he wants, whispering naughty things to him, etc. He says it's definitely not me, and he's never had this problem before, when i suggested he see a urologist.

I don't know what to do--is he being truthful? Is it possible he has over-masturbated with a "death grip" and oral/vagina sex just can't compete? What to do...maybe pills? I am so frustrated! He says he's willing to work with me on this, but he isn't very verbal...it took me a long time to find the right person to be my lover...i don't want to give up on him just yet, but the whole point of having a lover is so that i can have penetration sex again...help!

Dear T,

First off, I applaud you and your husband for your open mindedness about sex. The whole point of taking an extra marital lover is to enjoy sex with him. You have a premature ejaculator who needs sex therapy, not a urologist. So instead of spending any more time with HIS problems, I suggest you move along and find a more sexually functioning man. Since you are at the beginning of this noble experiment and lover boy is non verbal, the sooner you end this the better it will be for all of you. Remember the rule of three: He's number one. The third man will be a charm.

In the meantime, how about you and your husband learning some dildo skills to satisfy your desire for penetration? My protege Eric does phone consultations and would be available to work with you separately or together. Also check out the essay on Sex after Prostate Surgery. A penis pump with a cock ring can do wonders if used properly.

Dr. Betty