Why Does Society Insist on Monogamy?

Hey Dr. Betty -

I have recently re-read "Orgasms for Two". Something you wrote really enveloped me on the re-read....You posed the idea of why, if we love someone, do we feel we have to possess them sexually or otherwise. I have been in a generally fulfilling, respectful (and sometimes very hot) monogamous marriage for 16 years. Your statement has sparked some recent, very interesting conversation between me & my husband. Society has trained Westerners to cherish & respect monogamy. Your concept is easy to accept logically, and we are now working on the emotional end of this idea, which is quite exciting. Thank you for placing that thought out there. It has encouraged us to question this aspect of our socialization.

On another note........I find that my female peers (mostly married women between 35-45 years old), are generally pretty closed when it comes to talking about sex. I will try to introduce the topic at a party or whatever with a joke or other lighthearted comment, and it usually doesn't go anywhere. I don't understand what the big deal is???? We are all going at it in one way or another. I'm guessing there is knowledge to share and impart. Do you have any suggestions on how to get women to open up more about there sexual lives? Thank you for your time. I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Michelle from the Windy City : )

Dear M,

Always happy to hear from a woman who's read my book twice. Quite a compliment! Yes, you picked up on one of my favorite subjects "monogamy" that I emphasis is primarily practiced by women thanks to the sexual double standard. No one seems to mention these days how the double standard affects women. Your husband will be seen as a lucky sob but you will be accused of being a "slut" once the two of step outside of monogamy.

The logic of what I say is the easy part, it's the second half of dealing with the emotional component that brings up feelings of jealousy, insecurity and fear of loss. It takes two very secure people to approach an open marriage that is sexually inclusive. It will require many interesting conversations while delving into some dark corners full of mixed messages. Just the fact that you are considering moving beyond monogamy is brilliant given our Christian/ Puritanical heritage. One good book I enjoyed was "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton. She's an old friend of mine and her book goes into depth on this subject.

As for bringing up sex in conversations that works is often simply talking about something you've recently discovered like a new sex toy, "Oh Boy! It's great. What a fabulous orgasm it produced." As long as you are talking first person, women will listen and sometimes one will jump in with her two cents. First person story telling is the key. I'd love to hear about your experiences, so keep in touch.

Dr. Betty