Tired of Being a Virgin

Betty,

I'm at a loss here. I'm 26 years old, over-educated and therefore fairly developed intellectually, but I'm scared out of my mind when it comes to love and sex. I'm quite comfortable with my own orgasms, but only by myself. I'm attractive, I have great, supportive friends from many backgrounds and orientations, I have the goofiest and most loving sense of humor, and I'm "well informed" and joyfully articulate when it comes to sex. (I've seen and read many things, and love and own two of your books and the Self-Loving Diva DVD, for example.) But when sexual interest is turned in my direction, I run like the wind or find a way to sabotage things.

On paper, I could give you a lucid childhood evaluation involving emotional abandonment by a mother and grandmother who were victims of sexual abuse; countless "bad touch" --NEVER "good touch"-- lectures and the ever-present "you don't want to give a man the wrong idea"; and then, of course, your run of the mill, state-sponsored abstinence-only "sex ed." from 5th grade to 10th grade or so. Unfortunately, I was very adept at rationalizing my fears and I just don't know how to crack the fear of intimacy. I am noticing that this repression has also been mirrored in my career life; I have a fear of success now.

Where do I begin? I've built up such a tough exterior and can provide the comic relief, but I'm so fragile and distrusting on the inside. I'm a virgin, barely kissed (outside of formality). I'm certain I've fallen in love once--because I never cried so hard in my life when I came to terms with my denial and avoidance, and I became trapped as a sort of doormat on-call in this one particular scenario. Who has the patience for all this baggage? Talk therapy's felt like a lost cause--I can talk and talk until I'm blue in the face.

I want out. I inherited shame. I want to love and be loved.

Help!

Help!

--M

Dear MS,

Take heart. I'd rather see a young woman holding back than being a door mat for some jerk who would gladly or unwittingly take advantage of you. Given the approach this backward country of ours takes towards sexuality, it's a wonder any of us can relate to another person, especially when it comes to sex. The fact that you have your own orgasms in place and can enjoy them is a big plus.

Although I am not a big fan of talk therapy, if you can find a good person, it will help clarify some of your patterns. Also pursuing creative interests and getting involved in some field might put you in contact with a man or woman you could trust. But of course trust begins at home. If you can learn to trust that you can survive another heart break (I've lost track of the number I've endured) chances are good you could risk getting close to another person. Instead of falling into love, it's more like taking a stand in love. A close friendship is a good way to begin. Just don't give up. It's not easy but it's not impossible either. Also, not everyone on the planet has to be a loving couple or in pairbondage. You can devote your life to a noble cause. I'm rooting for you.

Dr. Betty