Suddenly, I Can't Orgasm

Hi Betty,

I've been with my current boyfriend, monogamously, for about a year and a half now. Achieving orgasm during sex with him hasn't really been a huge problem up until two months ago. That's not to say that I got off all the time; it was either I did, or I didn't come but still enjoyed the closeness of it. Then suddenly I've been having spells where I wouldn't get off during sex for many consecutive sessions. I would get really close so many times, but somehow couldn't reach it even given 30 minutes. I've been trying to do everything I can to fix it, and I know they all say that the first step is using masturbation to find out what you like, but the kicker is that I have NEVER orgasmed through masturbation. I've tried and tried and while I can make it feel good, it's just not enough to put me over the edge.

The other frustrating thing is that my boyfriend has been trying new stuff and helping me identify specifically what does work to get me off, and then when something does work, we try it again the same way and it doesn't work, be it oral sex, positions, a vibrator, anything! It would be one thing if we had sex without me getting close to orgasm, because it's still emotionally enjoyable and doesn't leave me frustrated. But the way it's been going, I'll get so close and lose it so many times that I'll cry afterwards out of sheer tension and frustration. Then he feels horrible and thinks it's him underperforming. What on earth can I do about this? Am I just being over-analytical and sabotaging my own efforts to find orgasm by focusing on it too hard? Help!!

Joan

Dear Joan,

Chances are good that you've named your own problem in the last sentence. We all go through phases when our orgasms seem to escape us for many different reasons. When that happens, the more we worry, obsess or question our sexuality, the worse it becomes. We don't really "find orgasms." Our bodies do that by responding to some form of clitoral stimulation, but what's going on in our minds can add, detract or derail this natural process. Get my book "Orgasms for Two" and read it with your boyfriend. It's important for him to understand that he is NOT the source of your orgasms. You are. The best way for you to own your sexual response is as you suspected, through self-exploration when you are alone. Just remember there is no edge to get over. Simply keep going, don't stop until you are physically exhausted.

You also might consider experimenting with a vibrator for clitoral stimulation. These sex toys are many a woman's best friend. Any man who claims to love women will have no problem accepting a helping hand from a battery-driven toy or from one plugged into an electrical outlet. Instead of seeing partnersex as a proving ground for femininity or masculinity, see it as play ground to simply have fun together. Laugh more, talk a lot, share your fantasies, lighten up.

Betty