Should I Marry a Man Who Doesn't Want Sex?

Dear Betty,

I am in my late thirties and my fiance in his early forties. We've been together for two years. When we first met we had loads of amazing sex. Once we moved in together, about six months into the relationship, the sex petered out. First it was every two weeks, then every three. We are getting married in a month and we haven't had sex in five weeks! I'm freaking out!

I love this man but the lack of sex is disconcerting. We've had many, many talks about it. First it was because he was stressed from work, then he said that we fought too much, now he's unemployed and says the libido just isn't there. We've both been in relationships like this before, in which he doesn't want to have sex and my last partner didn't want to have sex nearly as much as I did.

I am probably considered by most people to be "highly sexed." Which is great when I'm single and can get laid whenever I want. I've consistently found it problematic in relationships and have ended every one of them due to what I consider a lackluster sex life. I understand that my man's libido isn't the same as mine and never will be but I am having a hard time with it emotionally. I feel rejected so I never initiate sex, which then makes me feel like I've given him complete reign over our sex life and that makes me feel resentful.

I don't know how to have this conversation with him anymore. He's defensive and feels guilty. I'm angry and rejected. I've asked him (long ago) if he would consider a discrete affair as fair play if our sex life hit the skids and he said no. The clock is ticking with the fast approaching wedding. I love him, want to have his children. I want to seduce him and get him to desire me - I want him to think about me when I'm not around and be thrilled to jump into bed with me again. But I don't know how to get him there.

Please help. I've read your advice to others (mostly men saying their wives didn't want to have sex. Oh, to have that problem....) about accepting the sex you get and masturbating. And I've tried that. But I feel like there's more I could do. Some level of enticement. Something. But what?

Thanks for your help.

Dear AN,

Unless you can accept him just the way he is, CALL OFF THE WEDDING! There is no magic pill, sex toy or technique that will change your sexual patterns. Even long term therapy often fails to alter sexual incompatibility.

He's made it clear and so have you that you both have had this problem before in other relationships. If you go through with this just to have children, after you give birth your interest in sex will take a back seat to caring for an infant. Then after that, you can do what so many other married couples end up doing, having an extra marital affair while keeping your own council. He has also made it clear he is not interested in an open marriage. If you go through with this, you're going to have to love him enough to sacrifice the kind of sex you long for. C'mon woman! What you see is what you got. Stop fooling yourself with dreams of seducing him into being the man you long for and want him to be. He is who he is. Accept that and get married or move along.

Dr. Betty