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Betty Dodson: Sex, Love, Feminism, Politics › Ask Betty ›

Sex Is Enjoyable But No Orgasm

Published April 29th by Betty Dodson
in

Hello!

I sure hope you can help! I am 20 years old and have never been able to orgasm, or even feel like I have come close! I have tried to take advice from friends (since that always works great), but still with no result. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have been having sex for 3. He is very understanding and tells me to just relax, and masturbate, and we try all kinds of different things. He is determined to make me cum. But when I masturbate I get bored and tired, and in sex if we keep at it for too long it just becomes too uncomfortable for me! I still enjoy sex even if I don't orgasm, and my BF would stimulate me all night if he had too, but I start to feel bad. Any suggestions? Thanks!

AR

Dear AR,

The website is full of information about female orgasm. Use our search engine and go to "First Time Orgasm". Read it more than once. Your orgasm is your responsibility not your boyfriends. His determination to "make" you come is part of the problem. If you get bored and tired that means YOU are boring and tired. Use your mind to create some sexual imagery and get more sleep.

Orgasm is not about "relaxing" it's about actively breathing and moving your pelvis more like an athlete. Also finding the best kind of clitoral stimulation that you can continue without any discomfort usually requires some kind of additional lubrication. My books and DVD's go into this in detail so it's time for you to do your own research.

Dr. Betty

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i get embarresed when I try to masturbate

Submitted by JL (not verified) on Thu, 04/30/2009 - 23:43.

I have tried a couple of times to masturbate but I cant get myself to imagine anything because I feel embarresed with myself. I have read previous comments and I feel pretty much the same way like other young females that are looking for their first orgasm. I want to try but quickly get bored because I feel embarresed with myself. I have a loving boyfriend for 6 years and have been sexually active for 5 years. I know that is up to me to try to find my own pleasure but I can get myself to do it without dazing off to other thoughts and feeling weird. How can I overcome this feeling?

overcome embarrassment

Submitted by eleni223 on Fri, 05/01/2009 - 13:16.

Hi JL,

The mind is the first place to start.  Put yourself in a place where you feel sexual.  Do you like to read erotica?  Watch porn?  Webcam?  Make a date with yourself.  Once you're mentally ready, the physical part should be easier to focus on.  Do you use a vibrator?  Several women here have spoken about their first time having an orgasm in the tub, read some of the other post here and experiment and have FUN with it.  

You have nothing to be embarrassed about.  If you can't discover your own body and learn what works for you, then no man will ever be able to do it either.  Masturbation is a healthy and necessary activity for women.

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