No Sex & He Hates When I Masturbate

Hi, Dr. Betty!

First, let me say how much I appreciate your book 'Sex For One' and this website. I read your book for the first time about 15 years ago and it was the beginning of my sexual self acceptance. Until that point, I thought of masturbation as 'something wrong' or a 'substitute' for real sex. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed masturbating since I was 11 or 12. I was enjoying it even when I thought there might be something wrong with me for masturbating and continuing to masturbate (I guess the good orgasms won out over self imposed judgement).

Your book was a revelation! Suddently, I finally 'got' what I had been told countless times (even by church counselors): Masturbation was OK and I was OK; masturbation wasn't a poor substitute for sex, it was sex! My self loving orgasms were more intense and infinitely more enjoyable. My enjoyment of self loving went off the chart and remains there still. I was in a relationship with someone who would masturbate me, but had no interest in mutual masturbation. This was a disappointment and my partner's attitudes toward masturbation brought up all those old beliefs about self loving. It was a struggle then with those old bad beliefs about myself and masturbation but I did manage to come to terms with them and see them as what they were: bad information. I have since moved on, although it was a painful parting.

Now I am in a relationship with someone who has lost all interest in sex and who finds masturbation abhorrent. We have talked and talked and talked about this, my partner has read 'Sex For One' and we've gone through counseling. I have been very open about my sexuality, my drive and my attitudes toward masturbation. My partner has for all intents and purposes sexually shut down, even stopping counseling altogether when we really started getting into our lack of sex. We remain at square one - no sex for me and no communication with my partner.

I have been trying to work out these issues, but I am getting no cooperation or understanding from my partner. Our sex life is dead in the water. Your book and website have been blessings to me. They have been lifesavers. They have gotten me through some pretty rough times over the last few years. I have read 'Sex For One' a couple of times in the last year alone and I go back to it when I need support. I want to thank you and all the brave souls who write in for keeping me sane during times of no partnersex. My partner can't stand the thought of me watching or satisfying myself with any sort of sexual material (my partner has some pretty wacked ideas, labeling everything from the erotic to soft core to the hard stuff under the same pejorative 'porno'.

My dilemma is that I am at a point where I need more. Until I became a part of the economic melt down, I had decided to move out of this relationship. Now, that doesn't seem financially possible. If I am to stay in this relationship, I would like some other sort of stimuli besides my own vivid fantasies but find myself blocked there, too. I have seriously been considering an affair, an idea I have not previously entertained because I did not want to hurt my partner. Now I have gone beyond considering and am open to one but am tormented by tremendous guilt. And I have no idea how to go about having an affair. I guess I am also frightened of reliving the pain of leaving my partner.

I am far too young, have too much energy, passion and life to be stifled like this for much longer. I am not willing to give up sex or to bottle up my sexuality. I feel like I'm about to burst. How do I get what I need and want? Do you have any advice or suggestions? I know you've heard a tale like this before, but I appreciate you hearing it one more time.

Thank you!

Dear GC

Ah yes, my old friendly enemy, "guilt." I know it well. Guilt feelings are worthless. Guilt keeps us stuck in one place, we don't learn form it and it rarely leads to taking some kind of action toward change. We simply wallow in our guilt feeling sorry for ourselves. It's my understanding that guilt is like a bad habit that can be broken. It's similar to an addiction like smoking cigarettes. Every time the urge to light up (or feel guilty) comes up, tell yourself that you no longer smoke (or do guilt). We have more control over our feelings than we realize.

As for having an affair, many folks are meeting online through all the social networks available like Face Book and My Page. There are also many dating sites. Someone told me about one for married people. Cybersex and masturbating online is also big. It seems to me that if since your partner is not interested in having sex, she would be relieved to know she's off the hook. Many married couples use the "Don't ask, don't tell" approach. Others simply tell the truth. That will be your call. Let me know how you solve your dilemma.

Dr. Betty