Looking to Orgasm During Masturbation Then Sex

Dear Betty,

I am having difficulty both with orgasm during masturbation and with a partner. I think I have experienced tension orgasm and no touch orgasm before (they aren't reliable though: my longest was after exercise and wasn't in a place I could relax into it). So I know I'm not having them with sex and masturbation.

I have experienced really wonderful states during foreplay and partnering that are emotionally very fulfilling; a feeling as though my skin is buzzing, and my lips are numb. Often if I try to move I feel dizzy so I'm strangely immobilized. This usually happens with full body touchiing or cunnilingus. At these times I know what it means to have a full heart, and sometimes I experience a feeling of my uterus pushing outwards, but i have not yet experienced the rhythmic contractions of orgasm.

My current partner wants me to orgasm and is encouraging me to masturbate-I'm masturbating more frequently and spending a lot more time on it and have bought some books (yours is next on the list; I only just found your site!). I know that learning to come from masturbation will make things a lot better, but I am worried about my partner sex in the meantime. I feel a lot of anxiety if I know he is trying to make me come. Most of the time I discourage him from playing with my clit because of how stressed it makes me, which is maybe a bit destructive.

Recently I asked him to finger me because I was feeling relaxed and he didn't feel like sex so there didn't seem to be a time pressure. He told me that he has reliably made girls come with fingering before, but was discouraged because I didn't make the passionate noises that they used to make. I wasn't extremely aroused but was enjoying the sensations. However I am not a very vocal person even when I'm feeling really really turned on. Once when I was feeling under pressure to come I asked him to scratch my lower back instead, and I got very relaxed and aroused and he couldn't tell because I'm just not noisy. I feel very upset because I feel like if I'm not making a lot of noise he won't believe me that I'm aroused and sometimes when I'm aroused also I don't feel like talking. I think it's also difficult for him to understand that something like scratching my lower back can feel so good. I also feel a bit disempowered to ask for what feels good because I can't tell when I'm about to come and even when something is pleasurable I don't know if it's going to lead to orgasm.

I'd really like some general perspective on my situation (basically anything that you think could help), but I have some specific questions. Firstly, can the wonderful feelings I experience sometimes with a partner lead to orgasm? Is it a normal pattern of arousal? How will I know when I am about to come and how can I help it on its way? Also how do I show him that I'm into what he's doing? Is it common for women not to make noise when they are fingered or even when aroused, and is it a problem that I don't?

Thank you for your help in advance

L

Dear LM,

Read my essay "First Time Orgasm" more than once. Don't be so sure you are not having an orgasm. When you say, "sometimes I experience a feeling of my uterus pushing outwards, but i have not yet experienced the rhythmic contractions of orgasm." This is not a way to determine whether or not you have climaxed. Orgasms are not always accompanied by rhythmic contractions. Also instead of your uterus pushing outwards, pull the pelvic floor muscle in and up. Read my instructions on how to exercise your pelvic muscle under Betty's Vaginal Barbell.

Your boyfriend is creating a serious problem for you. He is doing everything wrong by wanting you to make sounds and comparing you to his other girlfriends. For the most part, they could have been faking pleasure once they understood that's what he wanted and needed. Many women are fairly silent when building up sexual tension. The sounds and screams of porn are mostly fake and men get hooked on wanting to hear all that crap because they need to make a woman "come" to prove they are great lovers. Instead, they are insecure lovers.

If you can't communicate how you feel to him, I suggest you move along. He is keeping you in your head worrying and wondering what's going on and sex is about being in your body and trusting that is okay. Everything you said to me has to be said to him. If it means he leaves you, so be it. You will be in a better position after spending more time with yourself. Once we know what and how we like to orgasm, we are empowered and can speak our minds clearly.

Dr. Betty