How Can I Connect to Pleasure?

Betty Dodson's picture
Wed, 03/04/2009 - 18:00
Submitted by Betty Dodson

I started masturbating in my early teens, but I wasn't having orgasms (or at least I didn't think I was). In my mind, I never orgasmed until a few years ago (I'm 21), and this was with a guy who I had been fooling around with for a while. Soon, the orgasms became regular (only during oral though.) Now I am with someone new. He's very affectionate, he loves to please me, and is constantly looking for new ways to give me pleasure. We've been together for a year. I have an orgasm every time he goes down on me (which is happily quite often), and I've been able to orgasm few times from manual stimulation. My problem is that sometimes the lead-up to the orgasms are not that great. During foreplay, I find myself constantly becoming distracted with external thoughts.

I might be thinking about school, or something that happened earlier in the day, I might be trying to predict what he's going to do next... and sometimes I find myself even criticizing (in my head) what he's trying to do. It sounds worse in text than I thought. It's really hard for me to let go, and since I know that, I have a new mental block: I'm putting pressure on myself to focus on the pleasure of everything he's doing. Sometimes, that makes things feel great, and sometimes it's just as distracting as the other stuff. During oral, I generally fantasize, or I've found that I can also come just by really focusing in on the sensations, but I've noticed that my orgasms are less intense since using that "method".

Now that I can reliably orgasm, the overall quality of my sexual encounters concerns me. What can I do to just connect with my animal drives and clear my mind of counter-productive thoughts?

Dear MS,

If I knew the answer to your question: "how to connect with my animal drives and clear my mind of counter-productive thoughts?" I could change women's sexuality the world over. Unfortunately we do what you've done, focus on the good feelings, have a fantasy to focus our thoughts on sex and go back and forth between the two. Some get sexual mileage from recreational drugs like pot or ecstasy, changing fantasies, going to sex clubs and changing partners, or getting into fantasy role playing. I've done them all and to speak the truth, every thing worked for a while.

Ulitmately, we are conditioned to expect wag too much consistent passion from partnersex which usually only lasts for the first few months, or at best, a few years. If you can train yourself not to "think" about it so much, that helps. The quality of our orgasms alone and with patnersex changes throughout our lifetimes. Otherwise count your blessings and add other pleasures that you can share with your boyfriend.

Dr. Betty