Great Sex But He's Married :(

I'm a 65 year old woman with "earthquake" orgasms but I'm very unhappy.  I met this man more than 1½ years ago. It was wonderful, just wonderful and I'm still in love with him BUT he's married and has been married for years and years. At first, it was OK for me because he told me his wife has depression, she can't stand sex with him, and it's ok if he has sex with somebody else.

I AM THE SOMEBODY ELSE!

And. It did not work!

Why??

Because he made a decision.  He is still married. He is still quiet about himself. He never did tell me who he is. He was fantastic, and I love him. BUT he did never, ever talked about how he really felt. I DO know his wife's name, and his daughter's. Period. Nothing more than that. And I know now, that he did look after other women, when we were the most connected.

OK I know, that your are OK about several lovers at the same time. I don't think I am. And I do not appreciate lying. Which seems to be the issue. Lying. Not exactly by telling lies. May be more by NOT saying anything. AT ALL!

Do you have at least an idea about what is going on here??

I have seen you tálk about dangerous love. And I think that the most dangerous love is being with someone who's not honest at all with you.

I didn't know what to do so I dropped him. I miss him. I love him. I think it was just about the fucking for him.  AND, in my life, I've never met Mr. Right.

Still loving to see your fridays and to get your mail.

Yours sincely
J

Betty Dodson
to J


Dear J,

Ah yes, "love" the concept so few have been able to define or understand. The best I can do is focus on self-love and not expect another person to fulfill me. Personally, I think women often ask too much from a sexual relationship. It's like we have a long list of requirements that each lover must meet. If we could be more accepting, we might have several lovers that we rotate. Why isn't good sex an end in itself? No! We want it all, his past, his present and his future until both are bored into losing interest in sex. Like his marriage. Your marriage. My marriage.

The advantage of having a married man for a sex partner is that sex is the main event. The relationship aspect doesn't have to be "worked out" just enjoying sex is sufficient. But no, we want it all. His past and his present, to know him inside and out, even though knowing all that will eventually lead to losing interest in sex. Marriage is like "Mating in Captivity" a book written by Esther Perel. Affairs are based on a mutual attraction and sex is the glue. They last for as long as they're good.

However, if his withholding every detail of his life is disturbing, then you have made the right decision to stop seeing him. Now you must mourn the loss of your earthquake orgasms that you shared with him. They too were only temporary. Why can't we stay in the present moment and enjoy what is available? I know how difficult this is because my young lover has flown off to be with another and he still works with me. Back to self-love. In the end that's all any of us have that we can count on. Be sweet to yourself,

Dr. Betty

Dear Betty!

You are an extraordinary wise woman, and I appreciate that. Thank you for your fast answer. Yes back to self-loving. I know it will return sooner or later, because I always was a "going back to life" person. And it made me stronger. Every time. I think, that this time it is so difficult, because everything was so nice when we were together. It was all the "meanwhiles" that were difficult. The holiday, that never occured. My 65th birthday which he never showed up to. And the birthday present which came 3 months too late. The excuses about not coming by - everything in spite of promises. And then his telling me:  I will love you for the rest of my life. BUT, he wouldnt. And now my knowledge, that he was looking for other lovers when he "coult not visit me". I accepted that he didn't want a divorce, because he said: The day will come, when we can stay several days together. We will go to Jamaica. Bl.a. bl.a. bl.a. So I think I'm a bit disappointed. An yes, I agree, it was the best thing I could do for me, to say goodbye my darling, have a nice life.

I wil continue to look at our fridays, and I will get a new man in my life. Sure. Next time he will not be a married man, I promise. This has been a lesson. AND he turned my sexuality on, after years and years without sex. I think I will always be greatful about that.

Tell your nice and pretty companion on the screen and in your life, that I like her laughing, and I loved to see her with the red ball in her mouth. She is charming and clever. And both of you are such a nice and clever couple to look at and listen to.

Yours
J

I support your decision to turn him lose especially after your further explanation.
We can all have we want especially when we know what that is.

Big Hug, Betty