Feminism Bound

My feminist awareness first struck like a series of lightening bolts while reading Betty Freidan's The Feminine Mystique in 1963. At the time I was unhappily married. Although I never wanted to be a wife and mother, I surrendered to being "normal" in 1959. By the time I finished Freidan's book, I secretly began planning my escape from middle class respectability by resurrecting my dream of becoming a recognized artist with my drawings and paintings hanging in Museums. The dream got altered. I became a recognized feminist, a one woman masturbation revolution to liberate women's sexual pleasure with orgasms through art, articles, books, and videos along with numerous workshops that I ran here and abroad. Once the creative process is unleashed, I had the good sense to follow where it led me.

To this day, feminist scholars have been unable to construct a theory of sexual pleasure. Other than the legalization of abortion that continues to be threatened by the Republican Party, the big sexual advance for women has been the acceptance of serial monogamy. That's nothing to write home about. We can have more than one lover or even more than one marriage, but never under any circumstances would a decent woman ever want to have sex with more than one man at a time. If she did, she would either be a whore or a prostitute. Monogamy is still the foundation of love and sex in most women's hearts and minds. We continue to want romantic love, dependent orgasms and faithful husbands in spite of the fact this exists for so few.

By the end of the seventies, the media was focusing on feminists who wanted to censor pornography blaming images of sex as the villain that caused sexual violence. This divided and weakened the women's movement internally and ended any further progress toward achieving equality and sexual liberation. A logical solution to the problem of marital boredom would be to liven up a spouse's sexlife with masturbation and fantasy for a little sexual variety. Instead feminists chose to focus on censoring pornography. Did they intend to insure a husband's fidelity by preventing masturbation while he looked at images of other women? If so, this was insane. It led to an unholy alliance where anti-porn feminists got into the same bed as Christian fundamentalists. The porn wars divided and conquered women's progress toward achieving equality and sexual liberation. The extreme sex negativity displayed by these anti-porn women turned an entire generation of young women away from feminism.

Beginning in the eighties up to the present, female sexuality has been discussed only as a series of horror stories that include incest, rape and domestic violence. There were marches to take back the night and rape defined heterosexuality for many young feminists. There was no pleasure in sight. At the end of the nineties, the Ms. Foundation adopted Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues and created V-Day to end violence against women and girls. Leaving out the other half of the population of men and boys seemed not to have bothered anyone. I guess feminists, academic organizers and corporate sponsors figured men and boys could just continue to kill each other off while women and girls stayed home and baked cookies.

It seems apparent to me that the quickest way to end the many forms of violence that affects both sexes would be to get rid of organized religions that have been the cause of the world's conflicts. Then perhaps both men and women could begin to focus on how to create more sexual pleasure in their lives which would be a sure way to diffuse some of the violence.

One of the most powerful concepts I ever came across as a budding feminist was the idea that "The personal is political." To this day, it remains a profound concept for me because the many problems in my everyday life are the result of America's political structure, not just my own personal failings. In the sixties, my struggle to survive as a working artist was not just a personal problem, it was a political one. In the sixties, women artists were rarely represented in museums. The gallery world was not receptive to us either. The few women artists that did get recognition were either married to or sleeping with already famous artists or an established dealer- the casting couch of the art world.

Another example: As a commercial artist, I did not get paid as much as a man doing the same job. On top of unequal pay, there was also the constant social pressure to settle down, get married and have children. While a man could be a single bachelor and still be respected, a woman in the same position was seen as an "old maid" and pitied or worse. Men could also devote their lives to art or science and we admired them, but a woman doing the same was viewed as being unnatural for not wanting to marry and have a family. Or she was a lesbian which was classified as a mental illness until the early seventies.

Throughout the seventies I was one of the few feminists who went public with my personal sex history and sexual experiences to teach women how to have orgasms by practicing guilt-free masturbation. What better way to make women second-class citizens than to keep us ignorant about our bodies, our sexuality and denying us the positive and empowering experience of enjoying regular orgasms. The absence of sexual expression damages women in so many ways. For young women who have yet to have an orgasm, they are obsessed with sex. Perhaps the most obvious is their dedication to the romantic notion that a prince will come along to sexually awaken her and she will be magically orgasmic forever.

The fairy tale never told us that unless we are walking around on Mr. Right's arm, we are fair game for every horny man on the streets. Yet many women continue to insist on flaunting their sex appeal by wearing high heels and skimpy clothes. Then they claim to hate it when they are ogled like a side of beef, whistled at or propositioned. Or are they addicted to constant male attention mistaking it as power? Although we know that many women will get raped by a stranger, a date or even a husband, we still do not teach any system of self-defense. Until that happens, most women will continue to be sitting ducks for the next stalker or sexual predator.

Although many claim the women's movement is a non-hierarchal structure, we have our feminist stars and poster girls just the same as the entertainment business. For me it began with Betty Freidan, my first feminist hero. However Betty never achieved the star quality of Gloria Steinem who had a trim body and a pretty face with long hair that made her appearance very feminine. I always saw Gloria as a tough-as-nails general who managed to convince a rag tag army of pissed-off housewives into believing that having Ms. instead of Mrs. in front of their names was progress. In the end, who are America's leading feminists? Authors who have written books on the subject, presidents of the local NOW Chapters, the academic women teaching Women's Studies in Colleges and Universities? Or is it any woman who calls herself a feminist? Or any man who also calls himself a feminist?

The Suffragette movement had women like Victoria Woodhull who promoted what she called "free love". Her take on sexuality was much closer to my ideal of sexual liberation for women and she got marginalized by other feminists in her time. Victoria felt most of the world's problems could be solved if society simply accepted sexual pleasure as a natural desire for both women and men. Then all the scandals that took up people's time and energy could be used more constructively. To this day, American'sl love a juicy sexual scandal.

A woman like Margaret Sanger probably never used the term "feminist" but she too is my hero. Mary Calderone who established Planned Parenthood was also a true warrior for women's rights. Today I'd add Mae West who portrayed a woman who liked sex and got what she wanted- my kind of gal. Also Helen Gurly Brown who wrote Sex and the Single Girl belongs on my list. While Brown isn't my kind of femmy feminist, nonetheless, she broke sexual barriers.

In the nineties, two young film makers who were working on a documentary about my life approached the author Susan Sontag. They asked if they could interview her about me. She made a sour face and said, "Betty Dodson is a nut! I wouldn't have anything to do with her." In a magazine article, Germaine Greer labeled me a "Misguided career masturbator" where she brought up my name six times for some first-rate verbal bashing- fortunately they spelled my name correctly. In the year 2000 Gloria said I'd been "a real cheerleader for masturbation". Her comment was faint praise. I see myself as a feminist visionary, a sexual pioneer, not a prancing cheerleader waving school colors to get the crowd to chant, "Yea team, come, come, come."

Is it any wonder that Gloria and the women at the Ms. Foundation loved the Vagina Monologues that was essentially inspired by my breakthrough book, Liberating Masturbation? The word "vagina" is totally acceptable because it refers to the birth canal, which is where every heterosexual man wants to put his penis. Vagina is also how every sexually repressed woman refers to her genitals. Too bad the idea of a sexually sophisticated phallic woman terrified the authoritarian matriarchs and patriarchs who always think they know what's best for the rest of us. But I have to hand to Eve. For a second rate playwright, she's one hell-of-a first rate organizer with women stars in Hollywood helping her to raise money to end violence against women and girls. I say American women are abused by the way we define heterosexuality. A penis inside her vagina is NOT the best way for us to have an orgasm but it works for men practically every time!

So who is a feminist? Is it a woman or man who believes in equality for women? That we deserve equal pay for equal work, we are entitled to equal opportunities in education, business, science, the creative arts and the decision making process in government? While most people agree on economic and political equality for women, when it comes to sexual equality, we are divided. Most women want monogamous marriages, but the more radical feminists believe monogamy is primarily practiced by women and marriage can turn into a woman's prison without bars. There are men who support economic and political equality for women, but they want to maintain a sexual double standard where they are free to have sex outside marriage while they expect their wives and girlfriends to remain faithful. One of the best things that could ever happen for heterosexual women would be the elimination of the world's sexual double standard.

Unfortunately the term "feminist" has come to mean a sexually conservative woman due to the press given those who discuss female sexuality in terms of rape, abuse and violence. The press rarely if ever interviews those of us who are sex positive and claim pornography is protected first amendment speech. Time and time again history has shown that once sexual images are censored by any government, the next move is to eliminate a woman's right to choose abortion, the curtailment of gay rights, and to limit sex education by teaching abstinence only for teenagers. The religious right that recently had control of the White House is a perfect example of this dangerous infringement on our rights and it is still with us.

Here's the tough part for me. As an artist, I find most porn to be totally tasteless with women who appear to be willing to do anything to get male approval. Way too much of it is crude and worst of all, boring. But I will fight for every pornographer's right to make and sell it to all the horny men who after all, are the real victims of porn. They are being manipulated with images of tits and ass by women entertainers who are getting paid to pretend they love sex and men. Male porn consumers are paying to jerk off to a fantasy they will never get to have in real life. Yes, they can go to a titty bar and get a lap dance, but even then, they are not supposed to touch a woman while she grinds up against his raging hardon until he shoots a load inside his shorts.

During the feminist porn wars of the 1980's, feminism became divided from within the movement. Sex positive feminists began using the term "pro-sex feminist" to separate themselves from the anti-porn feminists. Pro-sex feminists were clear that censorship in all forms harmed women and children, not pornography. Pro-sex feminists embrace sexual diversity and we supported erotic freedom of expression for all people whether straight, gay, and transsexual or intersexed. In a democracy, we all have the right to design our own sex styles without interference from any organized religion, government or political movement.

Back in 1968 after I had my first one-woman show of erotic art in New York, I was invited by Richard Lamparski to appear on his radio show aired on the then very popular WBAI. If I remember correctly, the subject was feminism and sex. Evidently Kate Millet was the feminism part and I was there to represent sex. Before Kate arrived at the station, I'll never forget Richard's first question to me: "Why do women never ‘flash' on a man even if they're sexually interested in him?" I had to ask him what he meant by "flash?" He described it as a kind of overt flirting. Well, in the early seventies, no woman overtly flirted with a man. Any sexual flirting done by women was always subtle, covert, and not at all assertive because we knew if we stepped over the socially acceptable line, we would be viewed as "sluts" and no man would be interested.

After wading through the meaning of "flashing" Kate Millet entered the studio late. She was disheveled, exhausted and obviously exasperated as she explained she had just been to some big feminist gathering where there had been "in-fighting" among the women over the definition of "sexism." She was very upset and her tight narrow lips were turned down into what looked like a permanent frown. Between women in-fighting and sexism, my preference was to talk about sexism. At the time, I naively thought sexism had something to do with having sex. As a poor babe hopelessly lost in the feminist woods, I said, "I'd love to hear more about sexism," thinking the conversation would become a discussion of liberated sexual expression.

Kate shot me a look that could have shrunk my multi-orgasmic clit into a dried up raisin if I hadn't been having so many orgasms back then. I pressed forward talking about how having sex on my own terms with multiple partners including women without monogamy or a meaningful relationship was not only great, but it was a lot of fun. It was also liberating and quite educational. For the rest of our round table discussion, Kate treated me like I was a mindless, heterosexual bimbo on drugs. Well, it was true that I occasionally smoked pot.

Kate Millet's book, Sexual Politics gave the women's movement "patriarchy" but unfortunately she left out the "matriarchy," the support system that father depends upon. According to her, mother had no power, which misdirected feminism by giving us a blind spot- all women are powerless! This is simply not true. Authoritarian mothers rule many families and family businesses around the world. Look at Barbara Bush! I'd hate to meet her in a dark alley.

Richard also had regular salons in his New York apartment in Murray Hill. He collected an assortment of interesting, creative people. We'd sit around talking until the wee hours; some sipping wine while others smoked grass speculating how the world was going to be a better place with all the changes we saw on the horizon at the beginning of the seventies- women's equality, gay rights, legalization of marijuana and more sexual freedom seemed to be just around the corner. The photographer Diane Arbus was at several of his parties. She was a silent withdrawn woman who was obviously in some kind of psychic pain. I met Anselma Del Olio who never shut up. She was a handsome, vivacious woman who wore her hair Gloria Steinem style, parted in the middle and very long. We became good friends and she spent hours explaining the political dynamics of feminism to me.

Today's younger women in their twenties and thirties don't want to use the word "feminist" because it conjures up the image of a woman who hates men and sex. We have lost the momentum of the seventies when the feminist movement was viable, alive, and politically potent. Women had the potential of changing society, maybe even changing the world, and without question, we were changing ourselves.

Not long ago when I was reading The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolfe, towards the end Naomi asks; "How to begin? Let's be shameless. Be greedy. Pursue pleasure. Avoid pain. Wear and touch and eat and drink what we feel like. Tolerate other women's choices. Seek out the sex we want and fight fiercely against the sex we do not want. Choose our own causes. And once we break through and change the rules so our sense of our own beauty cannot be shaken, sing that beauty and dress it up and flaunt it and revel in it: In a sensual politics, female is beautiful." Like I said, sensual ain't sexual and Naomi offers no concrete solutions for how women can grow up sexually. PS. She's another one of those naturally beautiful women like Gloria.

The work I started in the seventies and continue today is right on target when it comes to breaking down the beauty myth. I'll have to send Naomi a copy of the videotape so she can see women learning to love their real and natural bodies. She can watch us claiming our sexual power as we view and acknowledge the beauty of our genitals. She can observe women exploring masturbation, using their PC muscles, trying out different breathing patterns, learning to harness the energy of the electric vibrator, playing with sensuous penetration, and having all the orgasms we want as we explore and develop our own sexual responses instead of following the outdated procreation model of penis/vagina sexuality.

After all the efforts of women who worked so diligently for women's equality, little has changed for womankind in the new millennium. In fact, I could argue that the political, economic, and sexual lives of women has become more difficult and demanding than ever before. In my twenties, I was conflicted between choosing a career or marriage and family, but I had the good sense to know I couldn't be successful at doing both. Women today are told they can have it all, but at what price? The sacrifices she must make are far too many- like never enjoying any down time, meeting an old friend and taking the afternoon off, having a long leisurely meal, a whole Sunday morning spent in bed with a lover. Professional women who are married and raising children never stop working. They end up with no quality time for themselves and rarely have any time to develop a rewarding sexlife.

In the 20's Carrie Nation's crusade against "demon rum" effectively diverted the feminist movement. In the 60's feminism nearly didn't get off the ground because many women radicals felt the issue of socialism against capitalism was more important than the struggle for women's equality. In the 70's feminists struggled against the fear that the entire movement would be co-opted by lesbians and many felt the current sexual freedoms were simply putting more pressure on women to say "yes" to sex. In the early 80's, women against pornography divided the feminist movement with their anti-porn fervor which turned into an anti-sex wave. Many of us felt the need to identify ourselves as pro-sex feminists to separate ourselves from feminists who supported love, marriage and monogamy but didn't have much to say about alternative sexual pleasures.The nineties feminist matriarchy continued to be against sexual violence only now they have gone global. Ranting about global sex crimes, however worthy, now prevails under the titillating cover of a play about the vagina.

While we cannot force the whole of mankind to do as we bid, we can begin to sexually educate American women and set an example for the rest of the world. We can demonstrate that sexual pleasure is life affirming where both men and women can enjoy sexual pleasures alone and together. If we are serious about ending violence we will need to do away with all forms of fundamentalist religions.

In reading a review of a new controversial book, A Natural History of Rape: Biological Bases of Sexual Coercion, the authors, Thornhill and Palmer argue that rape is rooted in sex, not violence. As evolutionary biologists, they believe that rape is a sexual act, which has evolved over millennia of human history along with courtship, sexual attraction and other behaviors related to the production of offspring. The heart of their controversial argument is the idea that under the right circumstances most any man could be a potential rapist. It has to do with conditions under which men are raised that influence their proneness to rape. Boys who are raised in poverty or conditions where social relationships are not enduring have less to loose. Or in the context of warfare, it's difficult to ignore the large number of decent young men that turn into cruel animals raping the women of the country they conquer.

The theory that rape is a violent crime motivated by the urge to exert power and control was put forth by Susan Brownmiller in her 1975 book, Against Our Will: Men, Women and Rape. The authors say current prevention methods based on her theory are "doomed to fail." In the authors' view, society should take into account that it might be "Darwinian selection" that causes a young man to "mistake a woman's friendly comment or tight blouse as an invitation to sex." They recommend young women be taught that the way they dress can put them at risk. But many others disagree believing it's inconsistent with the American way of life. Not to go out wearing provocative clothing takes away women's constitutional freedoms to move about freely.

Instead of arguing whether rape is aggression or sex, why don't we consider the possibility that rape is aggressive sex? I have always had a problem with the theory that rape is not motivated by sex but rather the urge to exert power and control over a person. While rape is certainly not pleasurable sex for a woman, I believe it is sex for the rapist who gets an erection, penetrates his victim and ejaculates. It may be an angry or revenge fuck to get even with all the unavailable pretty women that flaunt their sexual appeal publicly. Some young women dress as sexy as street prostitutes. The sex workers are advertising what they are selling- sex, but other women expect to be left alone while they too flaunt a hot body. 

Another interesting ingredient to throw into the mix is the fact that so many women fantasize rape scenes during masturbation. Why do I still bring out the Boy Scout troop master that ties me over a log? The orgasm comes when the big burly scoutmaster shows his troupe how to fuck as they each take their turn with me. As a sex positive feminist I'm willing to consider the possibility that biologically speaking, I'm a sucker for a big strong virile brute because somewhere in my cellular structure, I unconsciously want my offspring to have the burly scoutmaster's healthy genes. One thing I know for sure is while the fantasy turns me on; I have no desire to act this out in real life.

After teaching sex to women for nearly forty years, I have often discussed ways a woman can protect herself on the street. Number one in my opinion starts with how she is dressed. I tell them to save the low-cut revealing tops over push up bras or jiggling unhampered titties for when they're out on a date or in a group with other women. My advice is never walk the streets alone in an extremely tight or short anything especially in high heels unless you are a black belt or selling sex. Looking "sexy" is like waving a red flag in front of a bull and when the bull charges, I stomp my dainty high heeled foot and demand the freedom to express myself. Heterosexuality remains a war zone and women need to be more realistic about male sexuality. Repression plus the lack of sex education in our schools has a lot to do with stupid sexual behavior by both women and men. It's time for Americans to grow up and to face a few sexual facts of life.

In my twenties when I first moved to New York and worked as a fashion artist, I always went out  in full make-up, revealing outfits and very high heels. At first, getting attention from men was flattering and desirable. It proved I had sex appeal. But dealing with aggressive types that came on strong by stopping me and trying to engage in conversation or trying to get my phone number became a total drag. My epiphany came at the end of the first year when I became a blond. That really upped the ante on my appeal to the opposite sex and pushed me into the realization that looking sexy was causing far more trouble than it was worth. I got a boy's short hair cut and started wearing jeans with sneakers. Dress up was saved for special occasions. This was in the fifties long before we had unisex hair styles or clothing.

When we look at what causes rape and how to prevent it, we need to look at both sides of the coin. On the men's side we have a society drenched in sexual imagery with limited or no opportunity to express or release sexual tension. Boys grow up believing that masturbation is kid stuff while vaginal or anal penetration is real sex. On the women's side of the coin, girls grow up with images of romance and we look to one man for protection. Meanwhile popular media encourages us to improve our sex appeal to attract this "one" man, but a sexy appearance just happens to attract many men.

How many movies have we seen where the hero is sensibly dressed wearing a jacket and the woman is wearing a flimsy outfit that reveals her body or she's got a top that shows off her full, perfectly rounded implanted breasts? How many ads in magazines and on television promote sex appeal for women? How come the cosmetic industry makes billions to help women look more beautiful? Why is it that men get to look like them selves while we knock ourselves out primping and preening just to say no to all sexual advances except the "right ones". This is crazy!

When I was thirteen, I clearly remember the night one of my parent's friends passed me in the hallway on his way to the bathroom. Half drunk he reached out and hugged me too tight. While I held my breath because he smelled bad, he grabbed my little firm behind then put his hand on my breast that was barely there. Immediately I pushed him away and ran back upstairs to my bedroom. I wasn't devastated by this incident. The next day when I told Mother Henry felt me up, she said he wasn't getting any from his wife Pearl and we both laughed. I grew up in a household where the womenfolk talked openly about sex and how to deal with horny men and their unwanted advances. Mother said when any man touched me like that, I should yell real loud, "Get your goddamn hands off me"! and get away from him real fast. Mother was only five foot two inches tall but she had a mouth on her. Her voice had such volume that her angry words could reduce most men to tearful little boys who'd brought on a mother's wrath. She came from pioneer stock; the women who helped settle this country. They didn't take any shit off any man. These women could shoot a gun, carry water from the well, chop wood and work the fields the same as a man. They also endured giving birth in log cabins with dirt floors and no running water with outhouses for toilets.

We are doing a serious disservice to young girls by allowing them to grow up expecting to be sheltered and protected by one man who will constantly be by her side which is not true. This is based upon the fairy tale of prince charming. Instead we need to make self-defense part of every high school's girl's education. Since I grew up with brothers, I knew how to defend myself in a scramble. When I was outmatched on the playground, I knew how to bite, scratch and pinch hard. Fighting dirty was fair play when a guy was bigger than me.

Later on after I moved to New York, there were a couple of incidences where my date wanted sex and I didn't. One time I ended up in a wrestling match on the floor and it was a draw. The physical exertion burned off his desire for sex. Another time, I tricked my date by pretending I had to get my diaphragm. Instead I left the apartment and rang for the elevator man who was a big six foot two Jamaican. One of my favorite stories was getting stopped on an empty street late at night. The guy had obviously been drinking, and he insisted I come have drink with him. While he had a strong grip on my arm, I gave him a sad story about how my baby was sick and I was rushing home to take the poor little guy to the hospital. I knew he'd understand if I took a rain check. He mumbled he was sorry my baby was sick and released my arm.

We go to great lengths to establish profiles of men who are rapists and murderers, but we haven't spent any time working up a profile of women who are victims. It seems obvious to me this would be helpful in preventing sexual violence. The blood curdling scream Hollywood adores will either inflame the rapist or scare him into silencing her by any means and that can include killing her.

Instead of women marching with candles chanting "Take back the night" they would be better off taking a class in Model Mugging where they learn to fight back instead of freeze or go limp. If a physical response isn't possible, then any woman can learn to think on her feet and out smart an assailant. A friend of mine was surrounded one night by a gang of tough looking teens and she began to stammer incoherently. One of the boys said, "This bitch is deaf, man. Leave her alone." Another woman started acting psychotic by drooling and twitching which turned her assailant off immediately.

Women need to know there are many of us who are capable of defending or outsmarting men who want to rape. In the eighties many of my friends who were sex workers carried stun guns in their handbags although they were seldom used. Today women can carry pepper spray that is very effective. And don't forget the old fashioned hat pin that got many a Victorian woman out of a jam with one well-placed jab. We now have women athletes, cops, rugby players, explorers, mountain climbers, and soldiers. One of my favorite movies was GI Jane when Demi Moore goes through the tough physical challenges of basic training and makes it. We need to see more images of strong women who are capable of taking care of them selves physically. We are not all sweet little helpless virgins that start crying after a pat on the behind. Some of us pat first, others give a masher a piece of their mind and a few will throw him to the ground, cuff him and call for backup.

Feminism remains bound by myths such as romantic love, finding a soul mate, getting married and having one or more children, a cat or a dog and a monogamous marriage that lasts forever. Yet most of us will have more than one marriage in our lifetimes. Some couples will adopt, others will chose not to have children. Today the new extended family is made up of couples who were formally married to one another with shared children. They get together to celebrate the holidays with their current spouses and off spring. I see this as very positive. There is nothing more deadly than an isolated nuclear family. They end up feeding off each other until they can't stand to be in the same room together. Home sweet home is another myth.

With the world on the brink of destruction, one might ask why do I worry about whether or not my next door neighbor or a woman down the street or someone in Kansas is having a happy sexlife? Why do I think it's so important that she get out a free standing mirror and sit under a bright light to have a close look at her sex organ using both hands? Why does she need to claim her sex organ as her own and enjoy the pleasure and power of her divine vulva? Why do I think it matters if she feels free to enjoy an orgasm with her hand or an electric vibrator whenever she feels like it? I must be crazy to think something that frivolous matters, right? Well, maybe I am crazy, but I still believe orgasmic sex positive mothers are are our biggest hope for a better tomorrow. Imagine the value of raising children in an atmosphere of love and acceptance, not a rigid disciplinary regimen that prepares a child for the authoritarian structure of the military or the big corporations or a monogamous marriage that becomes sexless. .

The greatest gift I received in this lifetime was to have been raised by an orgasmic mother. She was fun, she laughed a lot, she adored getting dressed up and going to a party. We smoked cigarettes and drank hi-balls together. She was critical of many people but liked some. I could tell her anything. She had a great sense of humor when we talked about sex which made it so much easier. She was opinionated and never hesitated to speak her mind. She had horse sense. Her lack of formal education and absence of religious brainwashing allowed her to think for herself, draw her own conclusions and never back down in a fight. She always told me not to turn back once I was on my way. If I kept going the problem would solve itself.

Most important, I knew she loved me. I had the best mother's love available and she was a fierce protector of my right to chose how I wanted to live my life. She was convinced I had extraordinary artistic talent and supported my decision to move to New York the year I turned nineteen. She saw no reason I couldn't be the best fashion artist Lord &Taylor ever had. When I got involved in feminism, she worried that I would neglect my art and she was right. But she eventually accepted my new role as a sex educator although she could never understand why so many women were not orgasmic because sex to her was natural. Today, I am more grateful than ever for Mother's love and acceptance because I know now that not everyone gets it.

When I think of all the thousands of happy orgasms I helped to launch in my long career of teaching masturbation skills, I wonder how come I never got the Nobel Peace Prize. It still sounds funny to most people when I talk about a skill being involved when a person touches their own sex organ. But until the population of the world figures out that sex is the "life force" and that experiencing and then sharing sexual pleasure is absolutely the best bonding glue between all couples, we still have a lot of sex educating to do. One day we will understand that masturbation is the foundation for all of human sexuality. It's time to honor this humble activity.