Dissatisfied With My Sex Life

Dear Dr. Betty,

I've been unhappy with my sex life for a good long while now. I love my wife very much and she really is the best friend I have, but our sex life isn't very satisfying. We have sex when she wants to and only when she wants to, which is about once every two weeks. I've mostly quit initiating because she says no pretty much every time I try, and some of the time she loses interest part way through. She says it's because she's distracted thinking about other things. I used to be a very sexual person when I was in my 20s - we're both in our 30s now and have been together for twelve years. At this point, my own libido has declined out of sexual unhappiness. (I've started putting some of that energy into working out more - I've gotten really good at rock climbing at the gym, I guess that's a silver lining.) Sometimes the sex is great but sometimes it's dull and since it's so infrequent and sometimes doesn't work very well there can be a lot of mental pressure in my head. There are times when I think I'd like to have sex but the thought of trying and being turned down again or of starting and having her lose interest makes me lose interest - it's easier to get up and go take the dog for a run or something, or just masturbate.

I'm starting to feel bad about sex myself, like sometimes when she wants to have sex I really want to tell her no because I have these negative feelings and it doesn't feel worth it. I've sometimes resolved "next time I'll say no" but as infrequent as the sex is, as soon as she touches me I'm just thrilled to get some physical attention even if I'm also having these negative feelings at the same time. I don't want to bad mouth my wife. She's a great person and a great partner outside the bedroom and I'm really glad I married her. I just wish we were more compatible sexually, and that we could actually talk about our current incompatibility. I know I need to bring this stuff up because it's really serious (I lose sleep over it sometimes, literally) but I really don't know how. I definitely don't want to hurt her feelings. I need advice on exactly how to bring stuff up in a way that's directed toward the future, and some ideas about how we can work through this. (To be honest, I feel pretty hopeless about it and at one point tried to look for some dietary supplement or drugs I could take to dampen my libido.) I also feel guilty for not talking about this with her sooner because I've felt this way for at least a year now, maybe two or three.

She gets so uncomfortable around any conversation involving sex, though, so that I feel bad just to bring things up. She says that it's because her family never talked about sex. She says she likes having sex, she just doesn't like to talk about it (which sucks, because in some of my previous relationships talking about sex was a really fun part of me and my partners sex life). I sometimes think my wife is happy with our sex life as it is and that we just have really different sex drives. Other times I wonder if she's unhappy with our sex life too or is depressed or something (she is stuck in a dead end job and doesn't feel like she has enough close friends, so that could be it, but that makes me even more uneasy about complaining - if she's not into sex because she's unhappy I don't want to make her more unhappy).

I've tried to ask how I'm doing and how she's doing or if there's anything else I can do better sexually or as a husband, but she always says everything is fine. She tells me a lot how much she loves me and enjoys doing stuff with me and I say the same (we go to rock concerts a lot together and play cards and we like to dance and other things, we do fun stuff together, just not in bed).

Sorry to go on at such length. I've never really put much of this into words before so I'm a bit jumbled and rambly. Thanks for any advice you can give me.

Yours,
H

Dear H,

I think you have started the process of communicating your feelings by writing this question to me. So congratulations! You and a million others are feeling the same way after several years of marital sex or should I say, a minimum of marital sex. Or at least less sex than you'd like. It happens to nearly all couples after living together for 7 or more years. Remember the seven year itch? The first time I scratched my sexual unhappiness I got divorced. This last time didn't come on until year 8 but there it was, our partnersex was running out of steam. I don't have an answer for this because I'm just not good at monogamy. For me it always becomes monotony. Since I never wanted children, I've been free to move along. The good news is that I've remained friends with all of my former male and female lovers.

So here's what I'd say. Acceptance is your best bet. If after 12 years of marriage your wife doesn't really like sex all that much, then masturbation is your safest outlet. Don't think of it as a last ditch activity. Get the best porn available, some hot sex toys and explore your sexual body with a passion.

Or you can get a professional massage from time to time with a happy ending that is perfectly safe. We know that having a mistress works for many men and some guys just fuck around occasionally with casual sex. However, you'll have to deal with some degree of guilt and risk if you chose that path.

What do you think would happen if you and your wife went to an adult workshop on sex like Tantra or something similar? Or agree to see a couples sex counselor? If she would be open to something like that it might work. Other possibilities would be to get a few sex toys and suggest you both try them out. Sex books and DVD's might jog some interest in her. Get my books and a Magic Wand vibrator for yourself. Use the vibrator as a massager for a sore muscle after working out. Some way you need to start the conversation and share how you feel when you're both in a good mood. Right now you are suffering silently. At least women get together and blow off steam about their "impossible" husbands and boyfriends. If she won't join you, I'd seek some counseling just to be heard by a compassionate ear.

Dr. Betty