Can't Deal with Husband's Porn Habit

Betty,

Thank you so much for responding so quickly. I just happened upon your website some how and I have to say, I think you are the greatest! Is it possible for you to help with something else that has been a great deal of stress in my marriage? Where do I begin?? I don't want this to be too lengthy. (Please forgive me.) Been married 18 yrs, 5 children, (Not a blended family, they are all ours together), I'm 41 and hubby is 42. Over the yrs of our marriage I have always found porn that my hubby has hidden. Not a lot, perhaps maybe 5-6 times. Every time he gets caught, he says the same thing...."I'm sorry. I won't do it again." Bull****! Why would he insult my intelligence? We know the only thing he is sorry about, is that he got caught again. Am I right? Yep! ..... He has known how I felt about this for our entire marriage.

Before we were married I found a whole stack of porn mags. in his closet. (Lived with his parents as I did with mine.) No big deal... after all, he was a single guy prior to us getting together. I did however voice my feelings on finding them though. I just basically told him that I would prefer he did not view them as it just hurts my feelings. Please don't think I'm an up tight, prude....I really am the adventurous one here. He was always "Mr Conservative." Kinda of drove me nuts actually. I know there are many other women out there just like me, that don't WANT their husbands lusting after and jerking off to the images of other beautiful women behind our backs.... When we are gone for the afternoon shopping, etc. I have always given him sex on a regular basis. I love it too! The only times We did not have regular sex would have to be when I had HIS children. You know, they don't want you to have sex for about 6 weeks after. Screw that! We always ended up doing it sooner. Usually only after a few weeks. (2-3, maybe 4 at the most.) Anyway.... I forget what his response was to my request to not view porn anymore, but I'm sure it was something like...."OK."

So.... after we got married, there were several other times that I had to find his "stash". Every time, it was the same old thing...."I'm sorry, I won't do it again." I have told him every time that I know he is only sorry he got caught and he just tells me what "he" thinks I want to hear. He has lied so many times about this stuff. I can't trust him. It's a terrible feeling to not be able to trust your own husband.

Most recently I have told him that I have been so hurt by his porn, that I just wished he would have asked me to join him. I feel so "left out" and excluded. I really think he some how "gets off" on the secretes that he keeps. Possible??? Perhaps this is the "turn on factor" for him. This last stash of porn included something I had assumed he had taken part in, but just never had the proof. It was crushing to finally find porn videos. ( A five pack set. ) It had always been magazines before. Also in the stash were pictures that he had printed out off the computer. These were all very old. Like 8 yrs old. The date and URL's all at the bottom of each page. He is also sticking to his story about where he has kept his porn hidden all these yrs. We have lived in this home for 6 yrs. I found the shit in a hard plastic tool case or box. (no lock of any kind) it was sitting right under his work bench in his work shop that is open to our laundry room in our basement. Part of the basement is finished off with a family room and our bed room and our oldest son's room. I know this has not always been there. I asked him where he had been hiding it prior to this and he said it's always been there. Bull****! I don't get it. He knows I know that it's not always been there. I look for his hidden porn pretty much on a regular basis as I have been lied to so many times. I don't want our kids to find it.

I love Dr. Phil and I have to agree, that the best prediction of a person's future behavior, is based on their past behavior. So far, my husband has proven Dr. Phil right! The lies are destroying our marriage! If he would have only just asked me how I felt about the idea of possibly viewing porn together to spice things up....everything would have been so different. After all, when we were dating I asked him right in the middle of a hot and steamy make out session what his thoughts were on oral sex. Can't really remember word for word what his response was, but he was definitely "up for it" so to speak. I went down on him right in the middle of an apple orchard. (In the car...) I love to give him oral sex, I always have and always will. To sum things up... What do I do now? How do I heal and learn to trust him again? There have been so many lies. Is it wrong for me to expect and want him to be the one that should beg for my forgiveness? He says he loves me and our children and does not want me to leave him. He says that he will really try to make things good again. I have not seen much of a change at all in his behavior. Since all this has happened, I felt like ...what can I do to make him hot and horny for me? I have gone out and bought a considerable amount of sexy panties, bras and other lingerie. I think it has helped, but this my no means is the answer to our problems. I love to look sexy for him and it makes me feel good as well. He has let himself go and I'm not the one out there masturbating to porn! This is another topic.... I have tried more recently to masturbate alone. I have tried it a handful of times in my life, but not with much success. I have always just given up too soon I think, and just decided to wait for the real thing. I really want to be able to masturbate with success! Hell, he's been doing it behind my back all these yrs, so how can he be mad if I enjoy some self love??? Please help me. I want to be able to trust my husband again.

I'm desperate. I love him and do not want to get a divorce. What are some things that you feel he should be doing to make things better? He said he does not want me to leave him and that he loves me. If he didn't care, then he would just let me go. I told him that I felt that he should be doing his homework, so to speak. He should be trying to figure out how to earn back my trust and be accountable for what he has done. Please help save our marriage!

Love and friendship.... Hotmom25kids

Dear Hot Mom,

This is not going to be the answer you wanted to hear because I'm going to support your husbands desire to occasionally have a little harmless sexual variety while looking at porn and masturbating.

Puleeeeeze, stop spying on him and making him suffer for something that is hard wired in every healthy human male that is sexual and that I have ever known. From my point of view, you owe him an apology for being such a possessive wife that he can't even look at a picture of another woman or a porn tape. For shame! You already have some answers. Share some porn together.

But more importantly, you both need to have some alone time to explore your own bodies without the demand of pleasing a partner. That's what makes masturbation so healthy, special and important for sustaining long term partnersex. We can simply focus all of our attention on our own sensations and fantasies. I recommend it heartily.

One of the reasons I dislike Dr. Phil is that he and Oprah demonize porn and everything else outside of the traditional monogamous marriage which I believe will eventually result in no sex. They are both uptight and unbelievably puritanical about human sexuality. After all the years you've had together with an active sex life and your beautiful children that you've mothered and he's provided for is a cause for celebration. The fact that you are still enjoying sex with each other is also another blessing. And don't worry about the kids finding porn. They always do. If it's not at your house it's the one next door or down the street.

You are too smart and sexual to get caught up in this kind of absurd jealousy over hubby looking at a picture or a DVD. I heartily recommend the Magic Wand vibrator and my book "Orgasms for Two." You can read it alone or with your husband. So relax and let go and forgive him and yourself and get on with your wonderful lives.

Dr. Betty