Can't Come With a Partner :(

Betty Dodson's picture
Thu, 05/13/2004 - 23:00
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Betty:

I'm an 18 year-old girl, and have had my sexual experiences, but throughout my sex life, I have NEVER had an orgasm. I have faked them more times than I can count, but have never really had one with a man. I masturbate quite often as I find it the only way to have an orgasm. I just don't get it; I can have one by myself, but never with my boyfriend. Is there something wrong with me?? Will I ever be able to have an orgasm with a man?? Please write back with suggestions etc.

Thank you for your time. A

Dear A,

This is a common complaint with a solution so simple most of us fail to see it. If you can have an orgasm with yourself you can have an orgasm with your partner. It only requires two things: First, a woman bold enough to incorporate the same kind of clitoral stimulation she enjoys during masturbation -- fingers, vibrator, whatever -- into partnersex and, second, an open-minded man who is smart enough to know his penis alone is not the source of her orgasm.

Unfortunately in our sexually uninformed world, most people believe that women are supposed to climax from penis/vagina sex without any direct clitoral stimulation. Sad to say, this is myth! There is now ample evidence to prove that the majority of women do not climax during intercourse, or by intercourse alone, but instead, reach orgasm through some form of masturbation.

No one has had more impact than Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychiatry. In the early 1900s, his theory that the clitoris was an infantile source of pleasure would establish the controversy of clitoral versus vaginal orgasms that exists to this day. He believed that once a woman finally submitted to the sexual act, the excitement she once felt in her clitoris would somehow magically be transferred to the vagina. One might ask how he ever got this idea since he didn't have a vagina or a clitoris of his own. Perhaps Mrs. Freud was faking orgasms to support her husband's theory.

Coming of age in the 1950's when psychoanalysis was all the rage, my girlfriends and I didn't question the validity of having vaginal orgasms. Even though I masturbated with my clitoris, I was determined to be "a mature woman." After much trial and error and many missed climaxes, I finally discovered that if I got on top during intercourse, I could press my clitoris against his body as well as establish a rhythm that worked best for me. That meant finding a lover who could last for at least fifteen or twenty minutes, which wasn't easy, and then ask permission to get on top. With all those elements finally in place, my so-called vaginal orgasms were still not that consistent and they were less dramatic than the ones I had with direct clitoral stimulation when I secretly masturbated.

In the 1960's Masters and Johnson challenged Freud's theory when they claimed all orgasms were centered in the clitoris. But then they ruined everything by contradicting their own findings. They came up with a definition of "indirect clitoral stimulation." They claimed the thrusting action of the penis exerted traction on the vaginal opening, specifically the inner lips, which caused the hood covering the clitoris to move, back and forth, stimulating the head of the clitoris.

The equivalent "indirect stimulation" for a man might be seeing if he can bring himself to orgasm by moving his pants against his cock without actually touching his cock. I estimate 99% of men using this method would wind up with no orgasms.

There are days I'm convinced the idea of vaginal orgasms or the effectiveness of indirect clitoral stimulation is a male conspiracy to keep woman sexually repressed. What other reason could explain why men can't deal with the fact that women have phalluses similar to penises and they both respond to some form of direct stimulation. During intercourse, a man gets the ideal form of stimulation by moving his penis in and out of a moist vagina while the clitoris is left waving in the breeze unless touched by her fingers, his fingers, or a vibrator.

In the 1970's we finally heard from a woman psychiatrist. Mary Jane Sherfey's book, The Nature and Evolution of Female Sexuality put forth the idea that female sexuality was an insatiable drive that had been repressed for the sake of maintaining a civilized agrarian society. In other words, how're you going to keep them down on the farm after they've had multiple orgasms?

Her book helped to explain why knowledge of the clitoris had been ignored or forbidden for over three hundred years. Sherfey said that the more orgasms a woman has, the stronger they become and more frequent, which matched my own experience except for the insatiable part. After claiming the freedom to add direct clitoral stimulation during partnersex, the more orgasms I had, the more I was capable of having. Whether alone or with a partner, I felt sexually satisfied and happy most of the time.

Today young women must deal with so-called "G-spot orgasms," which have become the modern version of vaginal orgasms. It seems that each new generation must reclaim the clitoris as our primary sex organ. Society's definition of "normal sexual intercourse" will only change when women give up romantic myths about sex and stop protecting men's egos by faking orgasms.

We must start telling our lovers and husbands the truth about how we like to have our sex organs stimulated, most specifically the clitoris. But first we must learn to embrace the form and function of our genitals, and explore our erotic bodies and minds through the consistent practice of guilt-free masturbation.

There is nothing that turns a sexually secure man on more than a woman who is authentically orgasmic. Remember, how we make love to ourselves is what we are bringing to our partnersex.