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Betty Dodson: Sex, Love, Feminism, Politics › Ask Betty ›

Boyfriend Takes Forever to "Come"

Published September 30th by Betty Dodson
in

I recently started dating a really great guy. I am a divorced single mom and he is the most amazing man I've ever been involved with. We are both super-sexual and attracted to each other but the problem is this: he has a very small penis (which is fine with me, I love him and am still capable of getting off with it/him) and he seems to be pretty self-conscious about it (making self-deprecating jokes, etc.) Anyway, he takes FOREVER to come, with anal/oral/and vaginal intercourse and sometimes he doesn't come at all. At first I thought it was me OMG I have a giant vagina! But he said it takes him 20-30 minutes to have an orgasm through masturbation too. He once asked me how long it has taken my previous lovers to finish. I admitted that most men come too fast...

So--my question is this: why does it take him so long? could it be psychological because he's frustrated about the size? he has been with two girls who became pregnant in the past...could he be afraid of pregnancy? Is this even an issue? I feel frustrated and selfish when he's made me come a million times then can't have an orgasm himself. I am always willing to do whatever it takes to get him off but he usually just says never mind. I'm going to continue to have an open dialogue with him and I don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than is necessary but...it's baffling and frustrating for me and seemingly frustrating for him. I love sex and love him and want to make the most of our lovemaking...

Thanks so much...

Dear JM,

First off, 20 to 30 minutes is hardly "forever" and it's what I'd recommend to anyone who likes sex. We all need to slow down and feel the marvelous sensations of sexual pleasure. I'd suggest you leave his orgasms up to him and continue to enjoy your own. Let him know you love it that he has what most men lack, "come control". Don't become his therapist trying to figure out why this or why that. Just enjoy what's happening between the two of you. It sounds wonderful so who cares why? Enjoy yourselves.

Dr. Betty

Dear Dr. Betty--
I am honored that you answered my question, especially so quickly. You're totally right....thanks so much.
xooxoxoJen

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A man's p.o.v.

Male65's picture
Submitted by Male65 on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 20:10.

Dear Jen,

I totally agree with Dr. Betty. I use to take the same amount of time your boyfriend does before having an orgasm and I feel that it is fine, so does my wife.

Once in a while I have an orgasm without ejaculating and it is amazing! Recently I've read the book of David Deida (The Way of the Superior Man) who explains, based on acient oriental knowledge, that taking full control of the ejaculation is powerful for us. Not ejaculating helps to increase our virility, our inner masculine power and it makes women to unconsciously trust more in our capacity to love, considering that we "loose" our ability to keep an erection after ejaculating. And this is something all us men can practice to make our women more satisfied overall.

I understood that your boyfriend is naturally ahead in this practice. I suggest you to give this book to him as a gift, so he can get conscious of the whole process. It is helping me a lot to be a better lover, friend, father and professional!

A happy healthy sex life for you!

``) Male65

the same

Submitted by A.U. (not verified) on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 02:05.

JM- I have been in the exact situation! EXACT! It used to bother me so much I would be so upset and completely disregard the amazing orgasms he had given me. He was on anti-depressants, by the way, which sometimes delay ejaculation. He didnt care if he did or didnt, and it drove me crazy, but I realized that as a woman I had fallen into the trap of worrying about everyone else, and then ruining the entire experience for everyone involved with my pouting and constant worrying and analyzing. Sounds exactly like my Mother at Christmas!! :) As Betty said, let him worry about his orgasms, and let it go. You have no power or control over anything but yourself. He sounds great btw!

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