Is it wrong to want a mistress?

the problem is that it's so hard to find quality people who are open to a poly relationship.  Most are a bit too spiritual for me and not that attractive.

Wouldn't it be great to have a primary relationship with someone that you respect, love blah blah blah and then have a secondary relationship with someone who gets you incredibly hot?  That's my ideal.  

I want a solid roommate who likes to dine, talk politics, entertain, and travel and a paramour who likes to fuck and party. 

"Is it wrong to want a mistress?" -- Not at all. One of the fallacies we are socialized to accept as truth is that one person can be all things to another. We find people attractive before we enter a committed relationship, and we will find people attractive afterwards.  It is unlikely that a single parnter can meet all of one's sexual desires all the time.  But more than that, it is about energy.  Dyad relationships are often closed systems. The couple gets wrapped up in each other during the NRE (new relationship energy) phase, usually to the exclusion of other people. Which can temporarily heighten that NRE high, but inevitably leads to an energy crash as the novelty wears off and there are no external sources of energy/stimulus to recharge. This is why serial monogamy occurs.  It is a cycle of NRE high, crash, recharge, repeat. Which is a shame, because, usually, what we love about people doesn't change, even if the qualities of the relationships do. Why should a relationship that works in 90% of the areas of your life end?  Negotiate sexual variety with your partner.  If you are both aware of what is going on, its not cheating. And when both partners are part of the process, the extra-marital sex tends to be less risky, both with regards to STDs and emotional health.

It is not wrong to want a mistress. My mistress stayed with me for thirty-seven years until she died. I miss her terribly. I married my wife for her brain and my mistress gave me the body. I was lucky to have found them. Now my life is half over. Depressing.

Granted! solo-sex can be excitng, but I don't know how to connect with a partner because of it....I can only fantacize about the touch and feel of another's body and that, to me is even more exciting...... ....The REAL BODY Touch and feel.... Since you can communicate your sex feelings with another......But, for me it has been 25 years since I was married and I don't care to go back to that....Yet, someone of a permanent Lover would be more desirable........Does anyone have any ideas or TIPS on how to sexually connect......I'm retired at 67 and prefer women.....RCM.........ralphcm41@att.net

the problem is that it's so hard to find quality people who are open to a poly relationship. Most are a bit too spiritual for me and not that attractive.

I whole-heartedly agree, it's very hard to find.

There's something I don't like about that "a wife that I love, a mistress I desire" attitude is that it implies that you can't love who you fuck and/or can't fuck who you love. One is a body and the other is a mind, neither is a complete human being. It's like a madonna/whore complex (the same can be said about men, too) but knowing that we can have sex with someone shouldn't make that person less desirable or "fuckable".

I couldn't agree more with silkenvoice and the NRE. i have been committed for 22years to the same woman who i love more than anything. i do however have the urge to see other women and my wife to see other men. we have discussed opening our marriage, but the concern is will it be the downfall of a beautiful relationship. because inevitably our human frailties will emerge ( jealosy,self worth,what's wrong with me,why does he/she want them and not me). this list is tremendous. polyamory i think is a great philosophy and it makes great sense from the point no one person can be everything to another. but i think that it only really works a small percentage of the time. i believe that most open relationships and polyamorous ones fail because our society teaches us the monogamous relationship too young and that's the only view presented.

What's right or wrong depends on many things. What culture you're a part of, what religion, and whether or not you're French. ;) Isn't for those outside your culture or faith to tell you what's right or wrong as those determinations will be coming from those sorts of traditions. That said, if you're married and part of the marriage was the understanding or expectation of monogamy, then sure it's wrong. Though even if were, but you're swingers or otherwise 'open' with your relationship then it may be perfectly acceptable. Though generally, if it's a 'mistress' as such, it kinda implies infidelity.

I personally don't think monogamy is entirely natural for human beings. Think the assumption that it is, or is expected comes from human created things like religion and cultural values. But biologically, I think we're inclined to just fuck our brains out as often as possible. And those that don't are clinging to constructed value systems for any number of reasons.

That said, I myself have always been monogamous during relationships as it's simply my default behaviour. It's never occured to me to pursue another relationship when already in one other than during masturbatory fantasies. Think that I do fantasize about being the prolithic swinger with endless partners but don't act on it is a good example of culture and religion overpowering more animalistic drives and urges.

In conclusion, what's right or wrong has more to do with you than anyone else. That you even ask the question suggest you believe it's wrong. So attack it thus.

Shalom.

I'd much rather be happy than right any day.

Why bother being married if you want to step outside of the relationship? I totally don't agree with anyone here! A marriage is supposed to be between two people. I've been married for 15 years and still feel the love when we make love. But hey, whatever floats your boat!