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The Importance of Family?

Sun, 03/27/2005 - 12:45
Submitted by Carlin Ross

I don't even know how to start with this post. It's like how do I convey everything that happened with my family and why it cuts me to the quick..and why Easter is such a bad day for me?

My family is very religious and the worst kind of religious: evangelical Christians. So, suffice it to say, they didn't take it kindly when I married a Jewish man. In an effort to appease them, we married in a church and my father (a minister) performed the ceremony. Like an asshole, I thought that if I included my family and acknowledged their faith they would respect my decision. WRONG.

There we were standing at the altar when my father decides that he's going to perform an "altar call". If you don't know what that is it's when the minister makes a call to Jesus - a call for any person in the room who hasn't asked Christ to be their personal savior to go forward and accept Jesus into their heart. Half the audience - the Jewish half - gasped...I mean you heard them gasp for air. I was so overwhelmed that I fainted at the altar and the groom had to hold me up while we finished our vows.

And if that wasn't enough when we got to the reception the kosher menu featured shrimp cocktail, lamp chops, and linguini and clam sauce. Let's just say that I bailed and took off in a golf cart, my mother-in-law tried to punch out my mother, and my husband's grandparents didn't eat a thing and left early.

That was 7 years ago. Oh, and I'm sure you figured this out, our marriage didn't make it. I've really tried to forgive my family and move on. Not for them but you me. I know who important it is to have a positive relationship with your family. So 2 days ago I get this letter of apology from my father...not really an apology but his effort to say he's sorry he ruined my marriage even though he thought he was doing the right thing (the right thing being what God told him to do) and would probably do it again.

So I'm sitting here with all these emotions whirling around, hiding in my office, trying to accept the fact that my family ruined something that so special to me. And to top it off my mother keeps asking about who I'm dating and why I don't have a family at 31. I tried calling and talking about it but I just can't do it. The anger just builds up inside me and there's nothing to say. I'll never get that piece of my life back.

I'm an Easter baby so in a few days I'll turn 32. There's enough religion in this holiday to choke a horse. I can't stand it. It makes me think of everything that's fucked up with my family. I'm starting to think that it would just be easier not to have them in my life.

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Sun, 03/27/2005 - 17:14
sedoso

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'll play "I can top that" with horror stories of my family...and I'm sure I'd win!

You know, you don't have to let them continue causing you pain. At this point in your life you have total control over who hurts you, unlike when we were younger and had no control.

No preaching from this end...had enough of that myself, but I will tell you one of the things that has helped me in my adult years is to realize that everything that has happened to us in the past has made us who we are today. So, if you like yourself and are happy with the woman you've become, remember that it is due to all the shit you've been through (almost makes you want to pick up the phone and thank them, huh? :).

As far as maintaining a relationship with your family, they won't change, only you can change how you react to them.

Anyhow, happy birthday, C-bitch and know that you are not alone in having been born into a really screwed up family, and yes, one day you'll even get to the point where you can laugh about it and understand that our parents really did think they were doing the right thing.

Mon, 03/28/2005 - 12:00
Chead118

I agree with sedoso...you have the power now...and you had it then, but didn't have the know-how.

I want you think about how far you've come since then. Remember what it was like to be married and what you learned from that experience. Do you really think your family was the cause of your failed marriage? It's easy to reminise on that day with disgust, but focus on what was good about that day. We all have family woes and some are easier to deal with, but it's up to you on what and how much power your family has over you and your life.

Just keep in mind that you have two parents that love you...some of us don't have one. I'll take a mother any way I can get one. When they're gone...none of the "bad" things they did will matter. Stop looking at the past, or you might not see your future.

Tue, 03/29/2005 - 12:11
fichacombo

very interesting! that story could make it onto a reality show. ok: i'm guessing that you married really young (why?). were you trying to escape your family? falling in love with a guy you knew they wouldn't understand - was that an unconscious rebellion (or is there any guy they'd approve of!?)?

i agree with chead, based on some things you've said here already. doesn't seem like your parents ruined your marriage so directly. think about your own part in it - what did you do that directly contributed to issues, problems, etc? i have to remind myself of my own part in my own troubles, and i try not to hurt myself in doing that, just be gentle and be real about it. plus- it's hard to get married when you're young & make it work - just hard to do.

ps: what the heck do they make of your current profession - running a sex website! :wink:

well....

Tue, 03/29/2005 - 15:11
Carlin Ross

I wanted to live together - he wanted to get married. I think he wanted to sew me up before he went off to med school. But I was head-over-heels in love with him and when he pushed marriage I didn't really think about it. I just said yes. I don't think I did it to make waves with my parents because it was by far the most normal thing that I did in my 20's. My dad was thrilled that I was off his hands.

But what is difficult is when your parents are Christian, your in-laws are Jewish, and they hate each other. Every holiday, every birthday, every vacation is constant fighting. And then a few years go by and you realize that you don't have any positive memories. You don't get your wedding photo album because you don't want to be reminded of that day. You don't plan dinners or barbeques or holidays because you know it's just going to blow up in your face. I used to count the minutes it took before the first fight broke out during any family gathering - on average it was 10.2 minutes.

When you're in a new relationship and a new marriage it's hard enough to make it work. And when it starts off with such drama it's fated to fail. It may seem trivial but you can't understand what it's like to be humiliated and betrayed in front of all your family and friends. And you can't get that moment back. Is it the worst thing that can happen to you? Of course not but that doesn't mean it hurts less.

And I'm not saying that it wasn't funny. I'm sure if you were a spectator at your run-of-the-mill weddng it was hysterical to watch. Maybe you're right - one for the reality show. What do they think of the site? Not much. My family just pretends that it doesn't exist. When we got the front page of the New York Times, my mother bought every copy in her town so none of her friends would read it!

:roll:

Wed, 03/30/2005 - 22:57
fichacombo

oh man - i can only imagine what it would be like to have such intense differences to deal with!

Fri, 04/01/2005 - 11:07
Carlin Ross

well thank you for the empathy. I'm going to visit my parents this weekend. I've decided to relax a bit and find the humor in the altar call/passing out in 30 pounds of silk dress/shrimp puff nightmare. C