Essays

The search for sexual pleasure in a puritanical society is a highly charged political act. Back In 1966, which I consider to be the beginning of my personal sexual revolution, I was 36 and had been divorced for a year. After about six months of enjoying orgasmic partnersex with Grant, my primary partner, we both agreed to explore an open relationship. Going beyond my romantic fixation of being sexual with one-man-at-time into this new kind of democratic sex changed my life dramatically.

In the mid eighties, I had one of the worst money crises of my life, and there have been many. I was living hand to mouth barely earning enough as I struggled to survive on running one workshop a month. At night, I was feverously writing a sexual memoir that was going to solve all my financial problems once it became a best seller. Occasionally I'd sell a piece of my art. Many groups didn't fill, so I'd make phone calls and offer scholarships to create a workshop for the few who paid full tuition. One month I was unable to pay my rent and I offered to decorate a friend's apartment. That brought in enough money to cover my expenses for two months, but my constant fear remained: I'd end up a bag lady on the streets of New York

As far as I know, I have never had a G-spot orgasm nor have I ever ejaculated. However, I do know many of my orgasms have been deep, powerful and satisfying. I've also enjoyed those little ten minute maintenance orgasms that release tension. There is no such thing as having a bad orgasm- they all put a smile on my face. Maybe the vaginal orgasms that I managed to squeak out in my twenties would classify as G's. Some were quite accidental and non-repeatable. Others required a thirty minute erection owned by a handsome young man who promised he'd only have sex with me. Oh yes, I had to get on top and Ride ‘em Cowgirl, which wasn't easy in the fifties and early sixties. They called us "ball busters" back then.

My female partner and I recently decided to buy a clitoris pump for our personal use. I have always told my partner that I wished to have a bigger clit, not that I envy a penis but I just think my clit is too small.

I would like to know if it is safe to use a clitoris pump to enhance my size and what's the best way to use it. How long a time of use would be considered safe for my clit??

Dear Dodson and Ross,

I'm a bit confused about the timing of putting on the condom for oral sex. For intercourse I'm clear that when the penis is erect you get that condom right on. However, for oral sex I'm a bit more confused. What do you do with it when it is flaccid? Use a dental dam? Avoid mouth to penis contact? Help!

November 7, 2008. It's taken me several days to realize I can love America again. Back in 2000 when Obama first spoke at the Democratic convention, I turned to a friend and said, "Why can't a man like that run for president?" His voice, delivery and what he said was so humane and intelligent. She answered, "It will never happen because he's black." Now here we are! The impossible has become reality. 

I'm ready to confess that although I have great admiration for Hillary, I secretly wanted Obama to win. Hillary took a wrong turn when she voted for the Iraq war and later brought up the Bill Ayers madness, questioning Obama's credentials. Puleeeze!!! Back in the sixties, I would have happily joined Bill and the Weathermen except I was too busy having sex with a cast of hundreds. For the first time, sex in groups was available to the middle class as it had always been to the rich. My erotic art show in '68 was a perfect calling card to meet the jet set here and abroad. What a glorious time it was! I'm so grateful I was smart enough to take advantage of all the sexual freedom available back then. Sex and drugs and Rock ‘n Roll was my politics.

"WANKER'S WORKSHOP" read the bold type in the Village Voice. The year was1983 just before AIDS was about to throw America into a sexual panic. Howard Smith, the editor of Scene's, was telling his readers about my men's workshops. Since the subject was masturbation, he was milking it for laughs like everyone else did. When he first called, I told him the men's workshops were due to popular demand.

"Betty, it sounds utterly crazy. I'm sorry, but I'm hard pressed to follow what you're up to. I can understand how women could benefit from learning about masturbation; it would teach them how to have orgasms. But most research shows men are regular masturbators and they start at an early age. So what's to teach?"

I slid the white sheet down. On my knees, admiring her curvy and powerful bare legs. Curiosities brushed my mind. Will she struggle against the feelings between her legs? How succulent will her vulva be?

I held the barbell up, opened my mouth, and listened to Tira moan while watching me warm the cool steel inside my mouth with more than an affectionate technique. I went down flat on my stomach, holding the barbell in my mouth like a cigar, looked down her belly and breasts to her face, popped it out like a popsicle, guided the larger ball between her inner lips and let its weight do the rest.

In 1974, I was at the University of Chicago speaking to a small audience in a very large auditorium, not my favorite venue. No speaker likes to see so many empty chairs. After my talk followed by the vulva slide show presentation, I went for coffee with a group of friends, including Nat Lerman, one of the editors from Playboy magazine. As we were sitting around talking and laughing, Nat mentioned that Playboy was going to run an article about me. He'd commissioned a woman to take my workshop so she could write about it. I was stunned! Playboy had sent a spy to infiltrate my all-women's masturbation groups? Nat said I wasn't going to like the article, but all was fair in love and journalism.

Breaking up is hard to do and yet it happens to most of us. Statistics show that half of all marriages end in divorce and many people remarry to repeat the pattern again- and again. Add to that the number of couples living together without benefit of marriage along with couples in committed relationships and we're talking about a major portion of the population. Instead of receiving any useful information on how to begin and end a relationship, I was given a romantic love story that promised passionate sex in marriage with a happy life ever after. That myth was one grand departure from reality.