Ten things I would do if I had a penis:
- Pee standing up. Not just pee, but get piss all over the fucking place just for the hell of it. I would pee on cars, houses, people, sandwiches, in the potato chip aisle of a grocery store, in the free clinic, on doorknobs... God, my surroundings would constantly smell like fucking urine and I would love it.
- Masturbate everywhere. That's a given, though. I would beat off constantly. My balls would be shrunken prunes because of constant orgasm.
- Yell "SUCK MY DICK!" more than I do now. See, I switch it up with "clit" at least half the time when I say it, but if I really had a penis, the proclamation would be so much sweeter. I would yell it at unsuspecting and innocent bystanders while grasping my junk with all the masculine intent in the world.
- Dick-slap bitches. There are so many people I crave to dick-slap, for disciplinary and sexual reasons.
- Um. Glory hole. That is all.
- Bounce my balls on people's foreheads purely for entertainment. I would paint the bottom of my balls purple and ball-stamp all my friends. I would dominate those bitches with my scrotum.
- Remember that scene in "Lion King" where Simba is born and that baboon wipes that juice (or whatever it was) on Simba's forehead? Yeah, everyone I know is Simba. I am the baboon. My semen is the juice.
- Try titty-fucking just so I can understand the appeal. I know it has to be exponentially more fun for the fucker than the fuckee.
- Fuck bitches and get money, since they ain't shit but hoes and tricks.
- Expect to be the authority figure of my household, get paid more money for doing the same work as people who have vaginas, and be considered more emotionally "stable" and logical simply because I have a large piece of man-meat swinging between my fucking legs.
Thought all virgins were the same? Think again.