We all have mommy issues, right? I'm sure they're much more personified if you're female.
I have been unhappy with the relationship with my mom for as long as I can remember. Not just unhappy, but really REALLY saddened by the way our relationship was/is/will always be. It's hard to stay mad at her, because I know it's not her fault. Having a severely damaging childhood can make you an even more severely damaged adult. Actually, I take it back... It's really easy to stay mad at her, but I know that I shouldn't, so I don't.
I remember, from the periods of sixth to seventh grade, I was getting "spanked" every week. The reasons varied, but it mostly revolved around me getting poor grades in math (which, to this day, I am still fucking retarded when it comes to mathematics) or getting in very minor trouble at school. I'm avidly anti-spanking. I may dislike children and *think* (and sometimes talk) about throwing them into a wall, but I'll never hit a child. My mom used to hit me so hard, I would have bloody welts on my arms and be bruised for weeks. She even hit me in the head once. It wasn't on purpose, but I had a headache for several days after. I HATED her so much for that. It was unfair and too much. No one should have to experience that. I remember MW (yeah, we go waaaaay back) was sincerely worried about me. It always made me feel better to talk to someone about it, even if they couldn't relate.
It was when she would ask me "Where did those bruises come from?" that I realized ... She was either out of her monkey-ass mind, or... No, that's pretty much it. She must be fucking crazy. That's when I stopped understanding her, and just being scared of who she was. I would keep things from her, and flinch whenever ANYONE would make quick movements.
With all of that being said, I don't consider myself abused. I didn't overcome this massive struggle. I consider myself damaged, just like anyone else. It bothers me a lot that my mom was the one to damage me. It really, truly eats me up that she was the one to fuck up my perception of how people should be treated.
Even though all of that happened, I still tried to get affection from her. I would try to talk to her, but she wouldn't open up with me. She's still like that, but she loves to say "You never talk to me." I always want to respond "...because you never listen..." But, whatever. It's just one of those things that won't ever change and I have to deal with that. She isn't a bad person. I just feel like we don't understand each other, and she probably should have rethought some parenting tactics. It's like we're a mismatched mother and daughter.
So, with all of that being said, I'm 100% positive that my love for mature women is because of the shitastic relationship that I have with her. I don't know why it translated into something sexual, though. I do find that a bit odd... But, there's no denying it. I find mature women more appealing than men. That's pretty twisted, right?
Present day, she's on a whole slew of medications (at least ten) and she has started experiencing short term memory loss. I mostly just feel sorry for her, because I know we'll both go to our graves with a million unsaid words and having the exact relationship she never wanted us to have.
Well, this is the most depressing entry to date. Talk about getting up close and personal.