Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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My Dear VMB, This entry was so powerful that I actually edited two typos. I rarely do that except with my own shit. But really this story is so universal. The fact that you realize her problem was NOT personal but that she too was abused. This is the pattern that gets repeated but since you are so aware, it will end with you. If and when you have kids, you will not be abusive thanks to understanding your mom. And you are so right about being sexually drawn to older women as a way to find the good mother. That will be you yourself later on. You continue to be one of my favorite bloggers. Carry on and continue to express yourself so perfectly.

reading your post was like looking at myself in the mirror although there was less physical and more emotional "trauma" in my childhood. 

I'm just so proud of you - you're where I was at 30. To feel compassion for your mother is the healing. You are well on your way to a wonderful life. And, who knows, maybe you'll find a mature woman like Betty to fill that mother void in your life - or become part of an all female clan...oh wait, you already did :P

"I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament." - Alanis Morissette

your blog was eloquent and heart breaking -- even tho you say you're over it.

with all due respect, you WERE abused, yes you were.  And some "parenting skills," is hardly what your mother was missing.

You can forgive your mother her torture and torment and the blows to your self esteem --that will always be a  challenge for you. But you cannot, in my opinion, twist your reality into a place that says what was, was not. It was just misguided on her part, just having a few bad days, poor mom.

Your mom was a terribly injured and terribly abusive mother.

No one can doubt that.

You say you "dislike children," and think about putting their heads into a wall, just like your mom hit you in the head, not "on purpose," and brought bloody welts to your body. You're not supposed to forget that or forgive the behavior.  You can forgive your mother for probably having the same abusive childhood you did, but you have to also respect your experience.  It did make you who you are today.

So like Betty and Carlin said, find those older women who can mother you better, and find some girlfriends who can support and adore you.

But please get some therapy too. Your scars are deep and take up a lot of physical room in your body. You don't, again in my opinion, need to forigive your mother, you need to cry with that little girl inside of you who never knew what hit her.

Betty: Thank you so much (for the kind words and the typo corrections). I agree so much that it's a universal issue. People don't tend to want to actually talk about it, though. No one
possesses the ability to fuck you up more than your parents.

Carlin: Aw, you're so sweet. You're right, too. Acceptance and compassion are big healers. I sure hope that one day I can find a woman like Betty to fill the "mother void"... Or to just have sex with, lol.

Princess: My dislike for children doesn't stem from
how I was treated... I just simply don't like them. I don't think it runs much deeper than that. Some people have the patience and desire to be around kids... I just don't, lol. I said I think about "throwing them into a wall". Most parents that I know think about spanking/smacking (not abusing) their kids when they're acting up. More often than not, though, they take a time out and handle THEIR emotions before assessing the situation with the child. That's what I wish my mom would have done.

I DO have to forgive my mother and I can't hold it against her. Why? Because of the alternative: I would hate her. That's not so healthy, either. Hitting and yelling is all my mom knows how to do when
it comes to handling situations. It's how she was raised. No, I'm not making excuses... I'm just accepting the harsh (and painful) reality. It's so easy to be resentful, and don't get me wrong... Some days, I am. I'm not always so "at peace" with the issue. But, I have to keep myself on track.

I've thought a lot about therapy, but I feel like I'm handling the situation well. I don't think that there's much that can be said to me that would make me look at this situation in a different way. I've cried about it, been angry about it, refused to think about it... Now, I just accept it. In my opinion, as humans, we ALL need therapy. We've all been damaged.

She's not a monster, and I'm really sensitive. I was the first (and only) kid, so all the mistakes were made with me. We've had times where we're really happy and like best friends, but those were more like "the calm before the storm". I know she has undiagnosed mental issues. It's just a laundry list of things that all say it's neither one of our faults that she is the way she is.

Some days, I love her because I have to. Others, I love her because she's at least trying to be a good mom.

"You never talk to me."

I get that one too. Like yours, my mother violated my innocent trust in her very early. And although treats me decently now - she has to, now that I have the ability to stand up for myself - she can never regain that trust. It's a simply consequence of her actions.

At this point, I am no longer angry at her. I don't know if that means I have forgiven her. It means that the wound is no longer active. I don't have the energy to be angry or hateful towards her. Still, I don't absolve her of her actions. The distance between us remains. I do care for her. If she were in pain, I would feel sad for her. I will do what I can to make her life better - with the exception of allowing her to believe that there is emotional intimacy between us, because there isn't.

I never experienced physical abuse of any kind at the hands of my mom.  However, her alcoholism led to the instability in her emotions. " It's really easy to stay mad at her, but I know that I shouldn't, so I don't. " I completely agree!  You want to be mad and stay mad for the pain, frustration and confusion that they have caused you, but being the bigger person, you know staying mad won't do anything.  It is so annoying and frustrating to have to be the bigger person!  Your story captivated me.  I am so amazed at your strength and humor that you bring to your blogs and your life.  I wish you the best as you continue on your amazing journey of life and hope that many mature women to help fill the void you may feel.

My mother only started hitting me after we moved, and it only lasted a few years.
She's hit me upside the back of my head, hard, but not bruising. I never really thought it was abuse, just unfair. She would tell me to shut up, or then retreat and cry in the bathroom, shaking pill-bottles and bawling her eyes out.

at first, she would dry herself up, walk out and tell me she loved me. only after she did something wrong, but I accepted her apologies and consoled her the best I could.

later, though, she would do this far too often, she would not say she was sorry, and would fly into rages if I accused her of any wrongdoing, be it 'did you take out the trash?', or killing one of my pets. (she killed four of them to date, but its been too long ago and I have no desire to convict her)

It was her medication. she changed her prescriptions, and has been normal ever since. I was then too old for child abuse, but it has left an ugly stain on my memories, even though we have a good relationship now.

Her mother was abusive, and her father drank to escape her. (her mother) left him multiple times, and abused medications as well, and did very little to raise my mother, or her sister or brother.

still, she has problems that she shoves onto me and my dad. not as bad as they used to be, but problems none the less that have no basis in the present.
I still love her, but for a while would have nothing to do with her unless I had to.
I'm happy she got her medication equalized, and am sorry to hear your mother was so lost in her past as to not see how much she was hurting you.

I hope you get a woman who loves you and can make you happy, if not heal your childhood hurts. *hugs* best of luck finding peace with your situation.

VMB, you really touched a nerve with this one, didn't you? I commend your bravery in being so up close and personal, especially when it comes to "admitting" where your fascination and interest in older women comes from. As we all make our own ways, navigating through trauma and family histories and patterns that get repeated until they don't - well, I hope for all our sakes we can be as candid and forthright as you were in this post. Major kudos.

this post hit me hard. I even debated on commenting, because I didn't want to dredge up all the bullshit. I also have a 'difficult' (translation: fucked up) relationship with my mother.She is the only person that can make me feel absolutely rotten and disgusted about myself and my life. She, too, comes from a background of nightmarish abuse and went with perpetuating the cycle of abuse instead of being a strong female and ending it. With her, it's a lot more verbal and emotional, now that I'm older. There was a small amount of physical abuse when I was younger, but I think the emotional abuse has been much more damaging. I know she has psych problems that are unadressed; she's completely snows any therapist she works with. When I was younger (and what a more perfect time) she was brutal about my appearance. I'm a big curvy girl. I always have been and will be, it's how I'm made. I'm more comfortable with myself now, but it has been a battle. She should never have been allowed to have children. I know that's an odd statement, like, how would I and my brother be here then? She never even wanted children. She is the least compassionate, insensitive, unmaternal, toxic woman I know. And I have turned out to be her polar opposite. I know Betty would disapprove of this maxim, but sometimes, with my mother, I have to remind myself "We are all God's creatures", or "we are all sacred human beings". My apologies for the length, but damn, I had to get this out there! Thanks VMB for sharing your experience. I adore your posts. : )