I'm Sexually Attracted to Men (Clearly), but I Just Don't Want the Emotional Shit that Comes with It

Mon, 04/19/2010 - 09:51
Submitted by Anonymous

Is it human nature to want an emotional connection with someone? Does everyone have the innate desire to (romantically) love and be loved by someone?

I was told today that I'm not boy crazy. See, I thought we left "boy craziness" back in middle school, but it's still something that's at large. Go figure.

I could not be any less interested in pursuing the opposite sex. I have always been that way. Sure, I had a brief stint of wanting to have a boyfriend when all of my female friends had one, but I never really craved companionship from a man. Relationships seem, to me, like too much upkeep and effort. It's like having an unpaid job. Then again, if you look at it that way, it will be a chore; but, if you look at it as a passionate adventure that you have chosen to share with another person, then it can be amazing... I guess...

I don't know where it stems from. I used to think it was because my parents wouldn't "allow" me to date. Normally, you always want something more when you can't have it, but that wasn't it with me. I never EVER wanted a boyfriend. Is it because I'm an only child and just used to always being alone and keeping myself entertained (and sexually satisfied)?

I'm sexually attracted to men (clearly), but I just don't want the emotional shit that comes with it. It's exhausting and I don't need it. Don't "wine me, dine me, and 69 me." Fuck me and I'll call you when your services are needed. That's completely unrealistic... And kind of mean. I almost feel damaged, because I'm so abnormal in reference to everyone around me. As a woman, I'm supposed to want to be courted, right?

I wonder... Will I be in my thirties and still completely single, but still happy? It's a story that's been told a million times: Girl stays single and never dates (whether it's by choice or otherwise). Then Girl realizes that that isn't what she wants and her biological clock is ticking. Too fucking bad, because Girl is romantically retarded and is going to be alone forever. Girl dies alone and no one discovers her until she's a strange smell coming from her living room (which is lined with half-empty cat food containers and urine-saturated newspapers).

Part of me is happy, because I don't feel codependent (I do realize that being in a relationship does NOT equal codependency). I have friends who "have" to have a boyfriend and, when they don't, talk about how miserable life is. The fuck? What is he telling you that you can't tell yourself? If you need another person in your life to make your feel worthy and important, then you need some soul searching, not a boy toy to call you pretty and cuddle you.

I guess I just don't understand relationships. Jealousy always seems to be an issue. I don't feel like I should "claim" another human as my own. What the fuck... That's so trippy to me. I would belong to someone. Fuck, there would even be papers involved to prove it. No. Just... No. I can't (at this point) see myself being happily married. I know, according to the Bible, it's my duty to belong to one man and for him to belong to me, and for us to be fruitful and multiply. That is the only thing that is keeping my mind open to being tied down. I can't seem to convince myself that it's okay to (possibly) never get married. That isn't what God wants for me, right?

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Do we

Mon, 04/19/2010 - 10:13
Seriousblack (not verified)

Do we really know what God wants or is it just and excuse to make sure we conform.The bible was written and tainted by man so I would not believe all that is contained therein. In the end you have to decide which path makes you happy as you have to live with your decisions.

We are always willing to give up our freedom to others so we can't blame ourselves when things go wrong. You can't run from yourself so make your own choices while you are free.

*laughing*

Mon, 04/19/2010 - 10:37
Taryn (not verified)

I envy you (the grass is greener and all that), but I don't feel that you are unusual. Among my female friends we have all sorts: those that are perpetually single, those that have lots of short relationships, those who practice polyamory as they prefer to be the 3rd person, those that consistently date people who don't live local, those that are single forever then in a relationship forever and those who are constantly attached.

Its a myth that every woman wants a relationship just as its not true all women want a child, a sedan and a new sofa.

Good for you for being yourself!

Ownership

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 17:00

I always enjoy reading your expressions of what you are thinking about, wondering about for your future, desiring here and now. Your comment about ownership and jealousy in relationships found me nodding my head. The idea that a person can (or should) own another person's body, sexuality, emotional attachments - well, it's become so normalized that "of course" Person A is jealous if A's lover, B, is attracted to someone else?  WTF?  We can, and are, challenging those assumptions, though it's admittedly an uphill battle. You can't turn on the radio without 9 out of 10 songs reeking of ownership, assumed monogamy, and the myth of finding "the one true love" of a lifetime. Maybe we're more complicated beings than that. Maybe ownership doesn't have to be the underlying paradigm informing how we relate to each other, relationally and sexaully.

===

http://darkgreeny.com

I'm curious.. you don't have

Sat, 05/29/2010 - 02:28
Noni (not verified)

I'm curious.. you don't have any desire to have a romantic relationship? You don't care for love? What if you could have love without the drama, would you take it then? I'm so similar to you in that I'm also an only child and hate the bullshit of relationships. But I definitely want to feel the love for someone, that romance. Even if it's all in my head. It's just one of those beautiful things we can only appreciate once we go through it. I totally feel you on that codependency thing. I don't understand why it's strange for a woman to be single and HAPPY.

Truthfully?

Sat, 05/29/2010 - 13:21
VirginMonoblogger (not verified)

No, I don't crave a romantic relationship at all. It just seems like too much upkeep to me. I can very well change my mind in the futurem especially if I find "the one", but right now... I simply don't care to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm damaged, but that's okay. I'll be damaged and happy.

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