It’s fine to trash monogamy. Lately, so much opinion has been spread across the Internet, the TED talks, the magazines, about the irrationality of it. In theory, yes, it doesn’t make sense -- if you’re a hedonist, it is an exercise in futility. If you’re someone who believes that pleasure is the purpose of life, then don’t consider monogamy, at least not right away.
For those who have marriages, children, full lives, there is more to this than meets the crotch.
The one thing that couples in long term relationships do NOT work on is their sex lives. Too much else is going on. For me, that is a huge mistake. Everything old gets older and everything new gets old too.
I believe in serial monogamy. I think “forever contracts” usually get brittle and fail. It’s so difficult. I think that all relationships are created perfectly for whatever issues need to be worked on – at that time. Sometimes the work, the injuries of childhood, are repaired and moving on to another relationship is, to me, a defensible option.
But there is still something so basic about respecting the choice you’ve made and growing with it if at all possible. There are the emotions, huge mountains of them, at risk. There are kids who don’t need to be caught up in a home full of chaos and tears and weekend luggage.
There are many more ways to handle sexual naiveté, and boredom, than running away. Pleasure ultimately resides in a moment of abandon, or in the glory of satisfying and pleasing someone other than yourself. There is surely power in that choice.
I am not against pleasure and I am not biblically attached to marriage. I am fervently against, hedonism, narcissism and utter disregard to the integrity of the soul.
I think there is way more to being faithful than gritting one’s teeth. Isn’t there more to a relationship than hormones, and hot risky moments? It would be lovely if we could all be open and honest, as is often suggested, and then sow some oats with a free conscience. It doesn’t happen in the real world. Even open marriages have drastically failed in the mainstream. For those few, who can rally the ability to be undismayed and unthreatened by a partner’s escapades, great. It’s not at all a simple matter. What typically happens is more lying and hiding and sneaking than fucking.
It’s a shame, I guess, that we typically marry before we have slept around. And if that’s been true, as they say, grow up! Heal your marriage or take a walk – after you’ve agreed to appropriate child support and the distribution of your precious property. Take charge, be an adult for god’s sake.
For the record, I am not a prude. I practice sex therapy; I have been married three times. I love Love. I love sex. I hate liars and hypocrites. This is not the age of Bacchus and Dionysus. People get hurt and some don’t recover. And this, all to experience a new position?? Come on.