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I Want to be Someone’s Number ONE

Sat, 06/02/2012 - 16:23
Submitted by Princess

Since new data has been compiled and published we single occupancy dwellers know we are not alone. In New York City, to name only one big city in the US, 50% of the population lives alone. Can you believe that?? The numbers are replicated all over the country.

I thought I was the only one. No, not really but I did believe I was in a minority. These numbers are not counting single mothers, just single dwellers.

This news mysteriously brightened my mood, even now, one week later. It’s nice to know that, according to these data, people are also satisfied with their status.

So I got to thinking about how much I too liked living on my own, but how much I also missed being with someone else. As a reality check, or just my reality, the choices of mate for hetero females is dismal. I wish this didn’t fall under the heading of “male bashing,“ but say what you will, it’s not that my expectations are too high its just that the men I’ve met are seriously not relationship material.

I’ve checked this out with other friends, of all ages, and even with men, and there is just an alarmingly slim number of potential mates.

As we pass thru different developmental stages, past young love, into baby years, into middle and older age, the needs criteria change. After parenting passes into a quiet stage of watching from a distance, the need to or desire to take care of someone has new meaning. Like in, are you kidding? Do that again?

We also know from research that men marry within 3 years of divorce, typically. The explanation is that they cannot take good care of themselves. You know this is true. Women manage their homes, their children and their kids. Without secretaries men wouldn’t be able to work either. Some men I’ve dated, and only once, smell like their closets.

Why then at 50 or 60 would any woman willingly choose to marry or live with a man who will become her responsibility?

If the field were full with steady, intelligent, independent, vibrant possibilities, then okay, I can compromise. But what I just described is not available in my local area. And I hear its not in yours either.

So I’ve finally figured out why I still want this. I really have. I want to be someone’s Number ONE. I want to be, as they say on Gray’s Anatomy, someone’s PERSON. I want to come First for someone. And I don’t. I know I have value but that’s not the same thing. But because I can only accept this if I can reciprocate, which I very much would like, I’m back in the same predicament.

I might be number ONE for somebody but I still can’t find anyone for whom I’d like to return the favor.

We Suggest: 
Lena Horne: I'm Not Alone, I'm Free
The Most Common Relationship Myths
I Might Have the Opportunity to Have Sex with Someone I Like
People Should Not be Projects
What would my mother say?

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Our expectations help define our reality

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 13:05
Patrick_R

Princess,

I hope that I've read your post correctly. It seems to me that you want an equal partner who values you tremendously, but who doesn't need too much of your help and nurturing. You want to avoid the dependent 'losers', as some rather unkindly call them. Yet at the same time, you want to reciprocate your partner's caring---but not too much, because then you might fall into the trap of being a caretaker again. It also seems to me as if you've made this unwanted role sound almost inevitable to yourself, by citing statistics and prior dating experiences as if they represented all the possibilities in the known universe.

We have a close friend who was widowed several years ago, after a long and happy marriage. It was indeed very difficult for him to learn to live alone and to cope with his grief, but in the end he did it. He is dating again, with mixed results as is always the case. He isn't rushing into marriage and is selective but not dismissive about whom he dates. He's luckier than you in one sense---there are more widowed or divorced women in his age bracket than there are men. But I can't help believing that you've stacked the deck against yourself by convincing yourself in advance that what you say you want is all but impossible. How do you really know this? Even if you've truly exhausted the dating pool in your area, there are bound to be men you'd like somewhere in your state, or even in some reasonably nearby city. How to meet them isn't so easy, true. But it's at least possible, if you believe it is and don't give up. Of course, any man you like also has to like you, which isn't a given. And perhaps his criteria for a partner are just as stringent as yours. But why not hang in there and keep looking? There are still some real menschen out there. You might get lucky---or be so persistent you make your own luck, and end up with just the relationship you want.

Alas, one reason for not

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 11:19
lsjb (not verified)

Alas, one reason for not finding your man, is that the good ones, or the best of the bad ones, are taken -- by the very smart women who chose them.

there are times in my life

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 13:53
Carlin Ross

there are times in my life when I want to be #1 to someone - and times when I can't stand that role. 

I try to keep my mind clear and my heart open.  I think that's the challenge in life.  Will you meet someone fantastic...maybe = maybe not...but at least you'll be ready if and when you do.  And I always give 110% and let go right at the beginning.  Betty is always after me about that but here's my logic.  If I just go for it and give it all, then when it doesn't work out I know that it wasn't because of some limitation on my part.  

I loved and lost but at least I was able to bear my soul to another human being.  That is the accomplishment. 

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