Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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It’s finally come to pass. I might actually have an opportunity to have sex – with someone I like – who may end up being someone I keep. This, she says, after one date.

With advancing age comes the reality that time waits for no one and stalling and waiting for more proof of legitimacy may not be so prudent. So, as I said, this is still in its most formative stages, but I have not felt so inclined in the six years that I’ve been divorced.

To my mind, that makes me a virgin!!

It’s true I have not so much as kissed anyone else but my ex in all these years. I’m not saying I haven’t had the opportunity but I am not a casual sex kind of girl, no judgment intended, and I am also ridiculously hard to please. (Please, I don’t know why). So this is very potentially exciting, in a few ways.

Maybe the drought is over. Maybe I’ll get a chance to practice what I think I’ve learned as a single woman with a lot to offer. It’s possible that I might get a long-term relationship out of this. We actually talked about this and more advanced subjects on the first date. He says he is ready to find someone to share this end of the journey. He says all the right things.

I’m not an easy mark, swear. But I can be had, given the right lighting, the time of day, the whisper of a chemistry that may be jumping around. This means I can be totally making him up. He could be an experienced man who knows just how to say the right things and he could just be looking to get laid – by a fabulous woman – who’s his contemporary, I might add.

I don’t know. As I write this I am becoming easily more paranoid. If he doesn’t call tonight to follow up and make a specific date for a next date, he’s done.

Moving on, here’s the dilemma. And it’s a big one; I don’t know where I stand about it. What if this tempting relationship is worth the energy and we get closer to having sex, DO I TELL HIM I HAVE HERPES???????

Well my brain says yes of course I do. Practically the whole world, in my opinion, either has herpes, has had herpes or is carrying herpes. So it should not be a big deal to tell. But it still is a big deal. I don’t feel the stigma so much at my age – and besides I got it from my ex which makes me not the problem, right? My future partner should know because in absolute terms it is an STD and those can hurt, and sting, and be very uncomfortable. Knowing would require ( assuming he was not horrified, at which point I think I’d have lost interest anyway) certain other decisions.

If you have an STD you take medication, you take precautions that limits the exchange of body fluids, and you try to catch the signs early so you can take a sex break.

If you’re a guy over maybe 45, putting on a condom can defeat an erection even with medication. This reality tests the honesty principle. Oral sex? Anyone up for dental dams? Really?

At the end of the day, I guess the decision has to be his to make. I guess I feel its wrong to withhold because we’re messing with precious bodies here. His no less than mine.

I hope he would be honest with me too. But you never know.

If you’re younger, having herpes, and telling the truth brings up many other awful thoughts. Things like: I’m pathetic, I’m damaged goods, I’m a floozy, a slut, don’t’ forget I’m dirty.

Young people will wonder if the person will walk away, abandon them. It’s a real dilemma. The platform for lots of sex and pleasure becomes less compelling when there is no commitment and STDs are a reality.

I’m sorry to be a party pooper but this is an important issue.

So, to tell or not to tell. I’m going to tell, not because I’m better than anyone else, but because I think it’s the right thing to do – so I can be transparent the same way I want the relationship to be. And again, I’m older, it’s not such a huge deal to me. If you really care about someone, how bad is it to occasionally, or rarely, or never have an outbreak? There is medication, no one really knows a heck of a lot about it and someday there will probably be a vaccine. There are a lot of really awful health issues to freak about it – for me, this is not one of them.

In the meantime, just think about it.

Oh yeah, and wish me luck.

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