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What's So Bad About Abuse?

Sun, 10/03/2010 - 08:29
Submitted by Princess

What's so bad about Abuse is that its effects never go away. The bad news is that because abuse tends to happen when the victim was a child, the message it delivers is "you will never be the same," "you cannot trust anyone," "you are worthless and should be ashamed of yourself."

I have seen so many clients over the years whose sexual and intimate lives have been damaged well before they even understood what was happening to them. They report to me, much later in life, that they were raped, molested, humiliated, etc. but "that was a long time ago, and I'm over it now." They don't come to see me because of their history but because something else is disturbing their life now. Often, the solution is wrapped in their childhood, the one they thought was long gone.

Abuse is the PTSD of a lifetime. There are very many similarities. Again, because it happens so young, it's often never talked about and sometimes when it is, it gets minimized or worse, challenged. A family member will say it's not possible or they'll ignore it. In many many cases a mother will remain with the molester thereby forcing her child to remain in the same environment where fear and anxiety become a recurring state of mind.

Some say that emotional abuse is worse than physical or sexual. Though not a competition, sex and physical abuse have superpowers because they directly place their marks on the body. Girl children tend to be sexually violated; boys tend to get the crap kicked out of them. It's still the body, the body spirit, that gets humbled and disfigured.

There are stories told about massage therapists working with holocaust survivors who carry past pain in various parts of the body. It was found that when massaged, touching those same places evoked tears and memories. When asked what was happening, the old experiences come tumbling out.

A little girl who is molested may grow up to be a big girl who cannot relax with her partner, cannot let down her guard to receive pleasure or to touch her lover's body. Sex is dirty, sex is dangerous, sex is without value. What is most precious is the maintenance of her space, her self- built boundaries. The triggers that bring back awful memories are the same gestures that lead to lovemaking. The victim freezes and moves away from the loving and back into the unconscious vault of the early trauma.

The body is the source of connection to another. When it can be accepted, a panic can be averted by a touch, an anchor. When orphans were not touched for weeks in early childhood , they never matured, often they died. And when you can't experience touch without shuddering or being flashed back in time, the injury stays frozen.

I write this for those who are afraid to confront their past. By doing that they hold it high, they idealize it, they put it on a pedestal. They give it more power and greater resilience. They let it live.

As an appeal to parents, respect your past. Men and Women. If you ignore it or refuse to explore why you have sexual difficulties today, or relational blocks today, you take away your future. Worse, you take away your children's futures. If you believe that they don't absorb your hesitancy, your impatience, your inability to hold them (or hold them too tight) trust me, they do.

Abuse has to be stopped by the victim in the present. It doesn't lose its power because its in the past. Talk to someone who can help. There are many many professionals trained in these areas. They don't judge. They heal. 

What would my mother say?

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Moving On...I hope

Sun, 10/03/2010 - 18:05
BetweenARockAndAHardPlace (not verified)

I was sexually molested when I was a child by my father. I watched him feel grown sisters up when they came to the house to visit. Mom never had a word to say about it. I was led to believe that what was going on was perfectly normal and acceptable, until I got caught playing a little game of I'll show you mine if you show me yours with one of my cousins. I was nine years old. My mother humiliated me and then sent me off to school the next morning in tears. She told me I was a child molester. When I was about 12, I was watching a movie with my dad on the only tv in the house that had HBO, when he tried to climb on top of me. I hauled off and punched him in the nose as hard as I could. He yelled at me that he was going to tell Mom. I said, "You want to tell her why I punched you while your at it?" That was the end of that. My father was a good provider, was loving and supportive, but he just couldn't keep his hands off anyone with tits. I drew the line for him. I kept my distance from him. If he hugged me, I would force him away quickly before he got too comfortable. He tried to make a big deal out of that fact when I was around 18. He said, "Why do you do that? I'm not going to hurt you?" I said, "Oh, you want to talk about it?" He fell silent. After I was married and had moved away, one of my older sisters called me in tears. She said he had finally confronted Dad, who was actually her step-father. It was funny how she worded it. She asked me if I had noticed anything weird with Dad when I was growing up. I said, "Oh, you mean how he used to feel you and Cynthia up every time you came over? Yeah, he tried that shit with me, too. Only, I said no." I apologized for sounding harsh. We discussed it and she felt better to just get it off her chest. I told her that Mom had told me I had "the wrong idea about sex" when she found out that I had spent the afternoon screwing some guy my junior year of high school when I was supposed to be "watching movies with a friend." I was pretty quick to ask my mom just what kind of ideas was I supposed to get about sex around this family, anyway. Yeah, she had nothing to say after that. As if my life wasn't screwed up enough, I was raped when I was fourteen by some creep, a high school senior at my school. He had been put up to the task as a cowardly act of bullying by another student in an attempt to ruin my reputation. The creep never got into trouble. I was blamed for what had happened by my family. I was labeled a piece of trash by everyone.

I am now 38 years old and finally getting to the point where I really enjoy sex. I am back in college now. I have been married for seventeen years. It hasn't been a very happy marriage, because my husband is not the nicest man in the world. A dear friend of mine has labeled him a sociopath. It makes sense to me, because does figure as long as he doesn't leave bruises he has done nothing wrong. When I finish school and find a job in my field, I am going to file for divorce. I may hang around long enough to pay off some of my student loans if I can tolerate my husband that long, but I'm not counting on it. I have several younger male friends at school whom I would adore to just touch me, kiss me, even just once. One in particular, likes me especially well. He is sweet to me. I wanted to kiss him the other night when he dropped me off at my car after a class, but I just couldn't do it. I'm afraid I'll piss him off and ruin the friendship we have. He does have a girlfriend, but at the same time he drops these hints that he wants to spend time with me. He asks me to meet him after work to work together in the studio at our school. He asked me if I was going to go with our school club to this convention in another state in May. He talked about us taking his uncle's boat out while we are there. He is so sweet. It just drives me crazy. I want him so badly.

It takes a lot of courage to

Mon, 10/04/2010 - 08:46
Princess

It takes a lot of courage to sit down and write about your childhood. It brings it out into the open -- and that's usually painful.

I can see, and I imagine so can you, how so much of what you went through has continued to be reawakened by choices you've made as an adult.

Fortunately, you've got many years ahead to turn "water into wine." It's encouraging that you can recognize your yearnings for pleasure  and kindness.

One of the best things you can do for you and your sister is to go back and validate her experiences.  Besides the relief it will give her, it will bring the trauma out in the open for you, and get you out from that rock you say you're under.  As I've said before, holding onto the experience and hiding it just gives it more power.

Thanks again for sharing this with everyone out here.

It's so much better...

Wed, 01/26/2011 - 12:30
Ana (not verified)

It's so much better when you walk through the fire of choosing to face the memories and the abuse of the past. When I was running away from the horror inside my mind, of all the memories of all the sexual abuse, my life was a misery. 
Talking about it with a therapist, and actively making choices for my own health and healing opened a new world to me. I have experienced so much more of life than I thought possible, and I've had so many good days, that they can be lumped together into good years. I never thought it was possible.
Starting the process is the hardest part. But when you decide you'd rather get the injuries re-broken and set properly than be unable to do more than crawl through life in pain, your new life begins.
Don't let the abuser set the tone for your life. 

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