Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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I write this to offer a perspective that is new to me. I am always looking to understand and to provide new ways that couples with limp libidos can excite themselves. – and each other. Trust me, this is not an easy job. Besides the practical difficulty of being so consistently creative, taking into account individual issues around sex, and around each other and around their relationships, makes this a challenge.

I discovered the other day what real power a vibrator can have – for a guy. I have heard that most men are intimidated when a woman wants a toy in the bedroom. But what happens to a toy “out” of the bedroom.

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There is a grand difference between the skills of good lovemaking, the ability to “perform” without physical disappointment etc. and the many problems that reside in the genitals--- hence called Sexual Disorders.

Unsatisfying sex is not a medical problem. Not having orgasms, or not knowing how to masturbate is not a sexual illness or condition. It is a deficiency of learning and skill.

If it is a medical problem, it requires medical intervention---- a vibrator, some lube and a book will not do.

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I want all women experiencing pain with sex, a little, a lot, at the beginning, or anywhere else in the process to —STOP.

There is help and there are many new ways to easily and effectively change a nightmare into something pleasurable and happily anticipated.

Women have pain for a variety of reason. Some of them are: past trauma related and relived in the present; dermatological problems; unbalanced hormonal states which disallow necessary vaginal health in the form of arousal, secretion, and more; rough and uneducated partners; individual lack of education about one’s own body; pelvic floor strengthening;after effects of pregnancies and surgeries; cancer, radiation; hysterectomy; and of course, crappy relationships.

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Here’s why Obama didn’t show up for the first Presidential debate. Now this is only my perspective, but the fact that no one else has even suggested this explanation, makes me want to throw it out with all the others.

For me, relationships mean everything. All relationships – with the world, your neighbor, your partner, kids, pets, we’re all connected. And therefore, when something is not right with those connections, I for one can feel unhappy, anxious, dispirited, off my game.

When Michelle was first shown shaking hands with Mrs. Romney, I immediately sensed that something was wrong. She did not look like her confident, unfazed self. I thought she looked intimidated, even uncertain. I swear, I thought this.

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I know the talk on this site is about SEX. There’s one aspect that doesn’t seem to get its due and it’s a big deal. Everyone talks about having sex, better sex, the freedom to get sex freely, pictures of sex and sexuality, on and on. What about Sexual Attraction?

To read the blogs, as I do religiously every day, suggests that everyone is fairly flexible about being sexual with lots of people; almost as if there’s a place and a body, one or two or three, sex will happen. I’m not saying everyone is satisfied with the sex they are having, but they are having it.

I am not having it.

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Seems the world is giving me all kinds of inspiration lately.

When Betty and Carlin invited me to blog it was with the idea that I would have a different voice than others on the site. I was single, I was 65, and I was a psychologist who worked with sexuality and intimacy.

I’ve kept most of my blogs over the years to personal observations and opinions. I’ve been blasted and I’ve been treated with care. What I have not done much, and what this great website, has not done much with either, is talk about sex in Long Term Committed Relationships (LTCRs). What we generally read here is either sex ed, sexual politics, lots of fun stuff. The website’s pledge to inform and accept with love, all forms of humanity and their sexuality is legend.

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By now it would seem that everyone on the planet, and beyond, maybe even Mars, all generations, all ethnicities, has heard about the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ phenomenon. There are three in a series of novels that chronicle the sexual adventures of a wealthy young man and his virgin girlfriend. They engage in an exploration of dominance and submission and erotic play that has the whole planet rocking.

Blogs and mainstream articles and discussion groups have sprung up all over creation seeking to understand the amazing appeal of this story. Most agree that the writing is sophomoric, the erotica soft, at best, the characters not well drawn, but the popularity lingers. The New York Times Best Seller list rates all of the books in its top ten.

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Unlike some of your other diehard fans, I do not enjoy your spontaneous rants, Betty. Your last post excoriates all medical professionals, psychological clinicians, and even all male docs.

I am a 30- year member of that same group, practicing sex and marital therapy for one and all, men and women. I think, like you Betty, that I have made some small impact on the lives of a lot of people over the years. I have certainly not been effective for all, but I’m not perfect.

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Since new data has been compiled and published we single occupancy dwellers know we are not alone. In New York City, to name only one big city in the US, 50% of the population lives alone. Can you believe that?? The numbers are replicated all over the country.

I thought I was the only one. No, not really but I did believe I was in a minority. These numbers are not counting single mothers, just single dwellers.

This news mysteriously brightened my mood, even now, one week later. It’s nice to know that, according to these data, people are also satisfied with their status.

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It’s finally come to pass. I might actually have an opportunity to have sex – with someone I like – who may end up being someone I keep. This, she says, after one date.

With advancing age comes the reality that time waits for no one and stalling and waiting for more proof of legitimacy may not be so prudent. So, as I said, this is still in its most formative stages, but I have not felt so inclined in the six years that I’ve been divorced.

To my mind, that makes me a virgin!!

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In my walk home from the office today I found myself sharply focused on a very out- of -nowhere idea.

For some reason I began to think about Obama and our country and what is fair criticism and what is not – in my eyes. In these thoughts I became struck by what is not being said and won’t be because it’s not “allowed.”

I think this: strangers, unconnected human beings, relate to each other in dramatically altered ways since that election.

I am not prejudiced or racist, I swear. Right. I grew up in a very diverse urban neighborhood, of Jewish parents, and I honestly never noticed people of color. Or so I thought. I spent many years in unisex dressing rooms suiting up for the next dance class. All races. All genders.

Today is my birthday –almost over.

I had an interesting dinner with a couple of treasured girlfriends. There were a few stories swapped, memories resurrected that resonate.

One of my friends remembered how my lingerie was always super exciting and sexy back in the day. I was flooded with images of YSL g-string bikini underwear – red silk, black, swathed in paper wrap in boxes --- delivered only upon special order. I have no idea where I learned about them from, only that I needed them, badly.

It was 1973 and I was riding the feminist bazooka. Take me home; I am WOMAN.

She reminded me of garter belts and bikinis, and roller skates and blatant sex speak.

This is only my opinion.

I haven’t the slightest clue what is best for every one, or you, or me for that matter.

However when you consider sex and family – big problem.

How can a person decide to nourish an innocent child born to them, and at the same time silence their own imperative to be wild and free?

I don’t know. Do you think you do?

Do you just settle? Don’t think so. Those of us developed by the women’s movement, Vietnam, the sexual revolution, do not have “settling” as part of our vocabulary. And then there comes baby, sweet baby face, needing , deserving unconditional love and attention. Who then, me? You? Where should the attention go?

You may have seen all the press about “Slutwalks.” These are demonstrations, made up of many women, dressed in provocative, lewd, slanderous outfits, on a mission. Their point is that the way a woman dresses is her decision and sexy or no, it does not invite or excuse men to treat her poorly, or aggressively.

In today’s courtrooms, in rape trials, prosecutors continue to slip in comments about comportment, and the messages that a defendant may have projected by her choice of attire. Before the other attorney cries “I object,” the suggestion is registered by the jury.

This is an expose about the benefits of drinking alcohol – in moderation of course.

It seems politically incorrect to toast the positives about drinking, almost hush hush. People won’t say when they drink, if they occasionally do, the match network patrons all check off ”drink socially" on their profiles. And I suppose that by posting this, I will hear that I am an “in denial“ alcoholic and “who does she think she’s kidding.”

So anyway, as I was whispering, there really are great benefits to drinking responsibly (lets just agree that’s what I mean and I won’t have to use a disclaimer again.”)