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My First Bodysex Viewing Party

Thu, 03/08/2012 - 11:36
Submitted by Marisa Black

With the lights dimmed, I sat at the back of the room. Flickering light and shadow were flung across the faces of eight women sitting on couches and chairs in an arc around the screen. It was my first time watching Bodysex with anyone other than my partner.

Plans are underway for a public showing, but I wanted to start with a private viewing in my home. I sent the invitation to 38 women, specifying that this first event would be female-only. Most of the people I invited were familiar with the project, but for those who weren’t, I included the following: “The film documents Betty Dodson’s sex-education workshops, which she ran for twenty-five years. Fair warning as you decide whether you wish to attend: the seven participants (including me) are nude, show their genitals, and learn various masturbation techniques.” I felt it was important to be candid about the content. The last thing I needed was someone showing up without a clear understanding of what they would see.

The viewing was over President’s Day weekend, and unsurprisingly, some invitees were out of town or otherwise busy. I received a number of supportive messages saying they were proud of me for participating. Other responses were along the lines, “I am fascinated and would be stoked to see it, except that it’s you, and I’m uncomfortable seeing you in that way.” I didn’t take those remarks personally. To me, it parallels some of the discussion in the D&R forum where women talk about interest in doing Bodysex, but only with the anonymity of doing it with strangers. Something about sharing that space with friends is apparently off-putting or perhaps scary. Maybe it feels too vulnerable, too subject to judgment.

We started by watching the short Behind-the-Scenes piece from the DVD Extras. I wanted to show the camaraderie among the Bodysex participants, and for those attending the viewing to hear what we were each thinking about before and during the filming. Then I showed the full Bodysex workshop from start to finish.

In an effort to gauge reaction, and quell my own nervousness, I sat behind everyone. I was happily surprised by the amount of light-hearted laughter, and perceived little discomfort. That is, until one point in the Genital Show and Tell. When Betty made (what I understood to be) a joking comment to Sayaka about the myth that Asian pussies are positioned sideways, there was a collective gasp in the room. The energy shifted perceptibly, and I overheard comments and grumbling that caused me to groan inwardly. Everyone had seemed comfortable and on board up to that point, and that one moment derailed the train. It took several minutes, but the viewers seemed to get back on board as the Show and Tell continued. We watched the rest of the workshop straight through, without intermission.

Afterward, I was fascinated by what people wanted to talk about. The film did just what it intended to do: get people talking about sex and body image.

For the most part, the response was positive. The quality of the film and sound production were highly appreciated. Someone noted how refreshing it was to hear female genitals talked about and shown without shame. More than one person talked about how normalizing it felt, to see the structurally different genital styles, and to watch women masturbate outside of a porn or performance context.

There were multiple reports of feeling relieved to know that other women also worried about what their breasts looked like, that others masturbated a certain way, or cried while having an orgasm. One woman told me how moved she was to see my larger body, and Betty and Sheila’s older bodies, represented on film when those images are so rarely seen in a sexual context. A few women wished there had been more instruction on manual masturbation, without vibrators.

Someone wondered why the topic of sexual trauma wasn’t addressed. I explained that Betty’s Bodysex groups are specifically focused on celebrating bodies and sex. While trauma and abuse may be part of someone’s healing journey, and may be noted, it’s not intended to be the focus of the group. Many, perhaps even most, have suffered trauma and abuse in the past. There are places and resources to begin that healing process. We gathered for Bodysex to focus on the joy rather than the horror associated with bodies and sex.

As I said, there was much upset in the room about Betty’s comment to Sayaka, and a few people said they would write to Betty directly about it. (I have no idea if they have or not.) Those concerns took a significant portion of the conversation after watching, and I was a little sad that it became such a strong focal point for the discussion.

As I considered how to report on the viewing party experience, I called Sayaka directly. We hadn’t spoken by voice since the filming, and it was nice to catch up outside of email. When I explained what happened and the reaction in the room, she was surprised. “Oh, was that in the video? I didn’t even catch that when I watched it!”

When I asked her if she was upset in that moment during the shoot, she said, “I wasn’t offended. One of the things I love about Betty is that she says things without censoring herself. I didn't grow up in this country and I didn't even know 'that joke' existed until Betty said it and it went right over me. And maybe it was a good thing that it was left in, to combat the idea some people might have that Asian pussies are different.”

Sayaka went on to say that she didn’t think of herself as “representing” Asian women in the film. “I represented Sayaka,” she told me decidedly. And for that matter, did I “represent” full-bodied women? I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that assessment, of representing anything. But for the sake of having at least somewhat differently-sized bodies, it’s a good thing we filmed at that point in my wax-and-wane body cycle because I’ve shed almost 35 pounds in the six months since.

Questions arose after the viewing about having more racial and ethnic diversity in the filmed Bodysex group. I responded that the group was what it was. There had been other participants of various ages and ethnic backgrounds who dropped out. One woman dropped out literally hours before we began filming. There were efforts made to fill the space, and I overheard Carlin on the phone with one potential participant, who sounded like she would do it, but only if her face wasn’t shown. That wouldn’t work. That wasn’t the deal.

The Bodysex film shows those of us who agreed to be on film, who agreed to put our bodies and our faces and our sex out there for the world to witness. It is what it is: a small group of women celebrating their bodies and their sex, helping document Betty’s work.

In all, I’m relieved that the first viewing is over. Now I feel much more confident in anticipated public viewings in the coming months. I expect that this Bodysex movement will continue organically, as it began those many years ago in Betty’s apartment. It may start with a viewing, and then some of those who watch may sit together in a circle, to talk about what they saw or how they feel about their own bodies and sex.

As Betty’s article on how to run a Bodysex group describes, there is no right or wrong way. The point is to listen, to talk, to share, to be in contact with one’s own experience and to witness others’ experiences. For me, that’s the core of Bodysex.

We Suggest: 
Betty's Vaginal Barbell
Betty Dodson's Bodysex Workshop
Betty Dodson's Bodysex Workshop DVD
BodySex Again...And Again
Finding room for all of me
www.darkgreeny.com

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Marisa...thank you so much

Thu, 03/08/2012 - 14:05
calistogababe

Marisa...thank you so much for detailing your experience in holding a viewing. Given your experience, is there anything you will do differently next time? 

 RE: annonimity and responses to your invitation
 I think this is a process not an event or a decision and you all are way ahead of me in the process. That's why I admire women like you and everyone willing to be in the workshop to go public.
 Sometimes the guru on the mountain top seems too far away to emulate, but the person who is a step or two ahead on the path seems accessable and doable. So I hope we each contribute to pull each other along this path.  And as Betty suggested, some of us might start by watching the workshop with another person...that might be our next step.

 Thank you again for pulling me and shining a light for me to gain new insight and awareness.
 Peace and much love to all.

Well done Marissa, well done.

Betty Dodson's picture
Thu, 03/08/2012 - 20:21
Betty Dodson

Darling, there will always be a line or a word or an idea that is upsetting to someone, but we just have to see the higher good or remain stuck in criticizing each other. My remark was obviously a joke about Asian pussy's slanting sideways. When women start complaining about something that silly, it's a way to avoid dealing with their own fear of sexual pleasure. In many groups if the subject ever got onto discussing diseases, women could continue talking about that for ages until I brought us back on track. I'd say, "Cut me some slack Bitches!" You said these women were "Young, progressive, sex-positive  feminists" but they were behaving like crabby censoring matriarchs. Yeah, I would have left the remark out too, but it's there. Did your main complainers get anything positive from the documentary or did they stay stuck in calling me a racist to avoid looking at their own sexuality?  We just gotta move along as there will always be those women who want to find fault rather than deal with the positive aspect of the content.

Insight

Thu, 03/08/2012 - 22:18
Fond Care

Thanks for sharing your meeting experience with us all Marissa. Betty has a key insight there when she says that people use the imagined insult as "it's a way to avoid dealing with their own fear of sexual pleasure"
I wonder if another two aspects are also important -
- Often people will not have the "safe" words to use to discuss what they have just seen so they take refuge in a safer discussion.
- Something I think Eric Amaranth said - with sex it can be hard for someone to jump from where they are to where you are without the smaller steps in between. Often we forget that we ourselves took a number of steps in the adventure to get to where we are. 
 At those points in a meeting you also need a women who recapture the positive side - leaping up and saying "I have just got to try that!!"
Sounds very positive overall though Marissa.

Excellent!

Fri, 03/09/2012 - 00:34
kbmead

Great job, Marisa!
Sounds like it was successful, in spite of a few complainers.  Hopefully the women who took something positive from it will share with others, in addition to improving their own sexual experiences.  If anyone from that group is interested in coming to Seattle for a workshop off-camera, let me know!

Let's continue this conversation

Fri, 03/09/2012 - 03:06
Marisa Black

Thanks, everyone!  It always makes me happy when there are comments on the things I write here. I appreciate your taking the time to write and add your voice to this conversation.

@calistogababe: No, I don't think I'd do anything differently, except be less nervous now that I've been through it once already. As for the anonymity and some of my friends being uncomfortable seeing me in that way, I hold no judgment. They are where they are. I figure that simply by virtue of them knowing that I participated in this, it probably got them to think (even momentarily) about bodies and sex, and as far as I'm concerned, that's the purpose of what we did. My friends know where I am if they have questions or want to know about resources. Since I've started blogging here and telling people in my life about it, I get a lot more questions about sex-related topics, or friends who confide in me things they "can't tell anyone else." I take that as a good thing, and I can be patient. By being kind and supportive, I think we get a lot further than we would otherwise.

@Betty: Ah, thanks for telling me well done, Betty. You know how much I like to be a good girl!   I wouldn't characterize any of the attendees as complainers, but rather women who didn't hesitate to speak their reaction. The same ones who spoke up with their concerns also talked openly about sex and their own sexuality, and yes, they definitely took positives away. Tonight, while sitting together in a sauna, one of those women told me she's been telling everyone she knows about the film and has been promoting it. As I said, the overall reaction was positive, and I appreciated that those who showed up were willing to watch and give their honest feedback - the glowing appreciation, the critiques, and the questions. More than anything, there was a lot of conversation, including personal sharing, and I take that as a hugely positive outcome. It means we did a good job! Yay! I considered only reporting the "positive" reactions from the viewing, but I wanted to be as straightforward about the entire experience as possible.

@Fond Care: Yes, your point is well taken that we all take small steps to get where we are going. And happily, there was the kind of exclamatory positive feedback throughout, and reported afterward, with women talking about things they wanted to try or things they learned. You're right - in all, it was a very positive experience.

@kbmead: It was definitely successful, and I wouldn't call them complainers, as I said above in my response to Betty. I definitely got the overwhelming message that those who came and watched took positives from it, and I'm happy to hear that (at least some) have been spreading the word and encouraging others to check it out. I'm sending everyone a message shortly to let them know about this blog post, and I'll pass along the invitiation for workshopping in Seattle. 

Marisa, Thank you for this

Fri, 03/09/2012 - 06:28
Elin A (not verified)

Marisa,

Thank you for this post as well as your last one on "fat sex" and body image.

I'm a slender woman, and have always been that way. But Depending on how I feel about myself at the time, I can sometimes imagine that I've gained weight. According to the scales, I never have. I recognize what you write about wanting to hide your body. We all do wether we're in a relationship or not. We always try to find "slimming" clothes and suck our tummies in because we're afraid of not being what seems to be the agreement of what is "perfect". And even the most skinny little girls do it.  So it seems, a lot of it is actually unrelated to the actual state of your body.

I can see why your friends would not be comfortable with watching you masturbate. There is a taboo against being in sexual situations with your female friends. But I'm not sure it's something that is too difficult to overcome. Either way, I think it's probably meaningless to worry about it, but good to get a discussion going if possible. Maybe some people feel that being with or even watching your friend in a sexual context such as the bodysex workshop, opens a gate to feelings that are forbidden. That you're not supposed to ever see the sexual side of a friend, because it could lead to confused feelings and/or losing the friendship. That sex and friendship don't go together. 

Maybe the following isn't completely due to this taboo, but I experience as I've grown older (I'm now 27), that my friends and I no longer have that wonderful, open relationship we had as kids, teenagers and young women in our early twenties. We never have sleep-overs, dodn't sleep in the same bed, don't cuddle or generally act too silly. I think this is horrible and I want it back! But I feel initiating such contact might actually be interpreted as sexual now, and not be accepted.

About Anonymity

Fri, 03/09/2012 - 23:58
kbmead

Hi Again--
Yes, anonymity is important to me in this right now.  Yes, I am afraid of the judgment of others in my life.  My journey has been so swift, I can't even believe I am ready to host my own Bodysex Workshop!  Just over a year ago, I was a non-orgasmic, non-masturbating woman.  I was Andie McDowell's character in "Sex, Lies and Videotape."  (except, thankfully, for the cheating husband.)  And, I am not an outgoing, leader-type person.  Doing this is so opposite of everyone's perception of me.  They would be shocked, and I have no idea what they would think of me.  Because it is not a topic of general discussion, I have no idea which of my friends masturbate.  If I did, I might be brave enough to tell them individually.  Doing this anonymously with people who I know support it and won't judge me harshly is the only way I feel I can right now.  Maybe in the future that will change.
I think you are amazing for being brave enough to do it publicly and take that risk with your friends.

I as a man see no problem with this.

Mon, 07/16/2012 - 03:48
Jeff Horton (not verified)

 I as a man I see no problem with bodysex groups. Especially in America. We are so hung up on sex being taboo. That we really do not know our own bodies. And women seem to be behind men with this experience. As younger boys we had things called circle jerks. I guess you could call it male body sex. We would masterbate together and see how each of us does it. We talked about Lube to each other. and learn that being circumcised wasn't how we were born. And those left intact needed no Lubercation. When I learned about circumcision. I saw how The skin is suppose to glide and not rub against the hand or vagina wall. I started to learn about how we were ment to be. I lost a lot of sensation over the yrs and learned alot about my body. I'm sure women learned many things about their bodies in this video. Great work here I hope it helps a lot that is isn't shameful to masterbate. In fact I belive that nature has men do it to keep their sperm fresh. Kind of like a woman who has a period, to keep the egg fresh. Just my opinion my wife would get upset if she caught me masterbating. I don't think she relizes how important to our sexual being it is.    

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