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I'm a Medium Adult Virgin

Mon, 01/30/2012 - 08:44
Submitted by Magenta

The thought that made me realize I'd decided to write about my situation and share it with the world on “Dodson & Ross”, was unexpected after months of inner refusal, resistance, and doubt. In short, fear.

“If there is not going to be a partnersex life for me, I might as well write about its absence and have at least one joy.”

It isn't that I feel the need to unburden myself by writing about it, although I'm open to the possibility of some form of catharsis. I have been living with my virginity for decades. Most women had their first-time vaginal penetration sex with a man in their teens. From that time onward, the big “it” gradually transformed into a taboo when I reached the age of 30 and beyond.

The word taboo is from an etymology point of view compelling because my inexperience became indeed sacred. Then it became my secret preceded by shame, the latter of which I relinquished by accepting my beginner’s sex status quo. Eventually. However, my embarrassment continues to exist for the outside world.

The impression young men have of me does not match the bedroom reality and their obvious expectations in that area. When I allude to my inexperience when we're on the verge of setting a playdate, I notice and sense their controlled surprise, and almost instantly, they decide against it. That is understandable, I conclude, rightly or wrongly. “Who wants to be with a beginner?”

When I expose my predicament, it's a big risk because it makes me vulnerable; I don't want it to be known because I don't want to look like a fool who's inexperienced. But moreover, I'm afraid this will limit my future chances as if these few individual men know each other.

So why do I come forward with my secret and my intention to write about it?

It is a lonely place to be in. I envision everyone else having shared sex, at least for some time in her or his life, everyone except me. I do not particularly miss having it, because I don't miss what I don't know. I solely miss the memory of something I never had however strange that sounds: a derailment into the realms of ideal relationships and sexual encounters, or even a loss of hope of fulfillment. It would be a nice thing though to have had a sex life with a variety of strong, sentient men to look back on.

Occasionally, I become aware that there are gaps in my knowledge and understanding of the various things that for others, who do have a sexual past are, or seem to be, quite natural. For me, these things can consist of being the most mundane of sorts too. It's as if I'm suddenly placed in a foreign playing field of energetic reality where they do things differently. It's a challenging but fun path of trial and error. And of course, I always think I am the only one in this position.

I want to write about the uniqueness I experience as a partnersex virgin on such occasions, which leave me sometimes bewildered, misunderstood and rejected, but equally pleasantly surprised, not in the least by my experimental self. And about what I observe in general in the woman-man equation.

I still consider myself a virgin, even after I had an introduction into vaginal penetration sex with a man only few years ago. The appreciated qualities of my first sex partner form some of the thresholds to engage in sex again.

Shared-sex may not happen again and the thought how I'm going to cope with, or rather am coping with celibacy while my beautiful form matures, occupies my mind from time to time. This contains another challenge for me.

All this causes inner conflicts of which I am in the process of coming to terms with. But is it not all “lament”, far from it!

I want to convey that there are women like me out there. I want to extend the subjects of my blogs to Medium Adult Virginity: my observations, failures, and successes.

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Congratulations Magenta!

Betty Dodson's picture
Mon, 01/30/2012 - 11:40
Betty Dodson

I purposely decided to become a celibate priestess back in the eighties. I was so disappointed with the end of casual sex due to AIDS that I just let go of partnersex altogether. However this phase enhanced my masturbation practice far beyond what I thought possible. My fantasy life flourished and I had more focused energy for my creative projects. So I'm not sure virginity is the right word. The original meaning of the word "virgin" was a woman who took a vow not to marry. Well, that definitely fit me. As long as we are having orgasms with ourselves I think a better term would be "celibate" instead of "virgin."

Thank you Betty!

Mon, 01/30/2012 - 14:03
MagentaNow (not verified)

How about "Celebrating Celibacy"? (*smile*)
It's more that, I feel I am a Forced Celibate. It's partly due to the unwritten message "sex is bad" while growing up. It takes a little bit more time than I expected to deprogramm myself. At last, I allow myself to have a choice of life, like you had.       

Not alone

Mon, 01/30/2012 - 14:11
Amalgam

I can definitely identify with a lot of the sentiments you write about here, being a partnersex virgin myself. I know how easy it is to imagine everyone else out there having sex and thinking you're alone in your situation (despite the logical part of your brain telling you otherwise)  and feeling vulnerable/foolish in your interactions with others because you lack inexperience. Some form of your words "Who want to be with a beginner?" often goes through my mind but it can sometimes help to realize how much else you have to offer; open mindedness, a giving nature (in and out of the bedroom), and whatever other nice things you can think about yourself :). I hope your writing about it does help you in some way. 
Good luck :)

Thank you for your support.

Mon, 01/30/2012 - 16:40
MagentaNow (not verified)

Thank you Amalgam for your support.
It indeed helped me to write about it for an article to be published. When I saw "my coming out" blog today on D&R, I thought that it is a huge step forward. Brava! I feel liberated of something that I didn't think needed external liberation. And it's only a prelude for more honesty.
The "Who wants to be with a beginner" thought is understandable but not very smart. Indeed, you undermine yourself, but also this attitude is conveyed non-verbally. As you imply, kindness to yourself and love of self are much better.

Who wants to be with a beginner? Anyone who cares about you.

Mon, 01/30/2012 - 23:39
Patrick_R

Magenta, thank you for your honesty. In response to your query of who wants to be with a beginner, the simple answer is: anybody who really cares about you. Only someone who expects a "no caring necessary" hookup would find their partner's lack of experience a deal-breaker. It's probably true that a new love interest might wonder why you happened to be so relatively new to partner sex, but again, if he cares about you and is a decent person, he will accept your explanation whatever it might be. There are people like that out there---people who will value you enough as a person to work through any sexual challenges that come up. If you make it your firm intention to find such a person, you will have a very good chance of doing just that.

I am touched.

Tue, 01/31/2012 - 06:10
Magentae (not verified)

Patrick, You're one of those people!
Then I have that intention, but how do I act on it? Other then keeping my senses alert for his presence, and not getting too focused? To have that balance is what puzzels me. 
  

Great support Amalgam!

Tue, 01/31/2012 - 06:36
Magentae (not verified)

It encourages me to continue opening up.

matter of perception

Tue, 01/31/2012 - 08:14
Collette

I have fantasized about having sex with a virgin, about teaching and coaching them and helping them discover the wonders of sex. I think your lack of confidence is a matter of perception and self esteem. You seem to have convinced yourself that being a beginner is undesirable.  I would much prefer to be with a beginner who is willing to learn, than an experienced person who is stuck in old habits. Try to regard your lack of experience as a good thing and others will also.

I will, Colette

Tue, 01/31/2012 - 12:11
MagentaNow (not verified)

Your words are helping me, thank you, very much!

Thanks again, Magenta

Tue, 01/31/2012 - 15:32
Patrick_R

I appreciate your very kind words. When you meet someone and there seems to be a mutual attraction, how about doing things the "old-fashioned" way and getting to know one another gradually? That will make the sensual/sexual part of your dates gradual as well. That way, you will already be with someone you like and trust when things start to heat up---someone who already knows you don't have a ton of practice at this. At any point, you can always say, "I really like you, but I need to take things a bit more slowly." A worthwhile guy will have no problem with this. Years ago I was with a new partner who asked if I was okay with not going to bed with her just yet (it was only our second or third date!). I said of course, whatever you're comfortable with. She gave me a big hug because, apparently, she wasn't used to having her feelings enter into the picture. Conversely, if you're ready for more passion and he's hanging back because he's not sure it's the right time, he'll be delighted if you tell him or show him that you're eager to go ahead. Sharing how each of you likes to be touched will help a lot. You don't have to have instant expertise. Remember, even if he's a skilled and sensitive lover in general, he's not an expert on you---you'll need to be his teacher here!

The thing is, your relative lack of experience is only one thing about you, and it's far from the most important thing. When you meet someone and you sense the possibility for a great connection with them, it would be really nice to let things unfold naturally and gradually. If you're honest about being a 'beginner' without making too much of it, that decent guy will be delighted to embark on some very enjoyable, rewarding mutual exploration with you.

I'll click the like button on

Tue, 01/31/2012 - 18:05
Jake E

I'll click the like button on Patricks post there!!
And Magenta thanks for sharing.

I view solo masturbation as part of sex so I would say if your having regular solo orgasms then your havimg a lot of sex, with yourself, so virgin or cellabate aren't really accurate descriptions. Especially as many married couples are having sex once a month.

Including someone else and sharing has possible benifits (Freindship sex, company, support and love,) and possible drawbacks (arguements, being taken for granted or abused and STIs) So as masturbation is the foundation of sex,  your sexual, and finding someone who is sexually compassionate and giving is square one to having a good sexual experience so you can give too and not be taken for granted. It  matters not one jot that you have no experience because sex is an art not a science and  even if you had lots of experience people are so different, your 60th lover could enjoy sex in a way that you've never experienced just as much as you can discover a new artist work or a new recipe that is fresh and original. and life is all about learning, even at Betty's age.

To concur again with Patricks point you haven't got to excuse yourself to someone who isn't selfish. You'll want to know what gives them pleasure and they'll want to know what gives you pleasure and if they don't your life is better without them. You know the more I write this the more I see the benifit of the bodysex groups. Wether your single or partnered I think it would be lovely if you can be part of or help organise one especialy if it involved Betty or Carlin either in the group or long distance advising. 

@ Magenta:  Thanks for your

Mon, 03/05/2012 - 13:49
icyqueen (not verified)

@ Magenta: 

Thanks for your well-written and honest blog entry. I'm almost 32 years old and a partnersex virgin too. (Virgin in the sense of never had penetrative sex). 

Honestly,I don't mind being a virgin but what makes me really mad are the prejudices connected with the term virgin. People see you either as absolutely non-sexual and innocent or as weird and immature... 

Dilemma

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 06:41
S Hall (not verified)

Reading your peice struck a few cords with me.  I am 37 and still a virgin.  When everyone else was doing it I concluded I didn't feel ready.  Over the years I have just come to the conclusion I didn't need or want but then well something changed in me last year I saw something in someone which lit something that's never been lit before the trouble is he is 18 years older than me and unhappily married.  I found I had a crush on him and in any other year would never have said anything but things happened and I told him expecting the usual answer no I am married go away only he didnt he said fine we agreed from the start its hugs and kisses nothing more only over the last few weeks its getting more forplay like and I am doing things I have never done before. He respects our agreement but the longer it continues part of me thinks well may be we could but then the other half says no it can not happen he is married and now just to add to it I am realising I have feelings of love for him.  I know if I want to if we can work out where and when he would happily. Its a situation I never thought I would have to deal with and I really don't know the answer.

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