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Some Points on Handling a Clitoris

Sun, 02/05/2012 - 08:20
Submitted by LilithLand

I have been enjoying some of the articles and videos at the New School of Erotic Touch. This is a great website that provides specific information on how to pleasure yourself and your partner. Seriously, their videos Fire in the Valley and The Best of Vulva Massage are among the best I have seen on how to manually stimulate a woman's genitals. And they are a rare thing online.

The internet is kind of like a big, virtual Wild West, and much of what you come across has dubious value. There are way too many websites out there purporting to teach THE SECRET TO THE FEMALE ORGASM, or HOW TO MAKE A GIRL CUM IN THREE EASY STEPS -- all claiming that if you just follow said paint-by-numbers approach, you (or your partner) will cum your face off. Sadly, this isn't the case.

So, I decided to come up with my own points for clitoral play. These pointers are mainly for performing clitoral stimulation on a partner, but they work for solo sex as well.

1. Sorry, there is no secret formula. What floats my boat may not float Susie's down the street. There isn't one specific skill or technique that will work for every woman. Women are not cars; so, there are no manuals that will teach you Pussy 101 in three easy steps. You will have to get over your lock jaw and ask some pertinent questions. Such as "How would you like to be touched?" Be prepared to seek feedback. And women, you should be willing and able to provide it (i.e., do some hands-on exploration of your own terrain).

With that being said, the goal of clitoral stimulation should be about pleasuring your partner, not getting her off so you can feel like a stud or studette. Many women are not easily orgasmic when they are not in the driver's seat, which is one of the reasons that women climax more often from masturbation. Don't be offended if she needs to do her own stimulation or use a vibe.

2. Most of the time you will want to include some lubricant. In some cases, thanks to scintillating personal charm, good hands, or a talented tongue the woman in question may produce her own. But don't count on it. Particularly, if you are over forty. Use a good water based lube around the external genitals as a buffer for those 8,000 plus nerve endings.

3. Stimulating the clitoris does not mean touching the glans directly. Most women rub around the clitoris. I have never liked to have the clitoris touched directly. I find the most erotic spot is above the clitoris on the right side. Many women enjoy stimulating the shaft rather than the head of the clitoris. Check out 3D Vulva to understand the various parts of the clitoris. But to reiterate my point, there are women who do like direct clitoral stimulation -- once again, it's about asking.

4. I think learning to play the clitoris is like learning a musical instrument. It's about repetition and rhythm. While variety is the spice of life, you have to be able to repeat the same pattern with some variation. I think a lot of people either are too repetitive, or they vary the stimulation way too much. It is about finding a balance, and it involves asking questions about what is working and what isn't for that particular person.

5. With all the yammering on about the G spot there hasn't been a lot of consideration for the other erotic spots on the external female genitals. Rubbing along the sides of the vulva feels divine because it stimulates the crura (the legs of the clitoris). The clitoris is a far larger organ that most people think, and much of its erectile tissue extends inside the body and surrounds the vagina.

So, stroke the perineum (the taint) and pull the vaginal lips. There's tons of nerve endings in the labia (which is sadly considered disposable window dressing by women seeking labiaplasty). Get creative, trying licking, taping, pulling, tugging, rubbing and vibrating. Odds on, she will find something that floats her boat.

6. I would never recommend any kind of vaginal or anal stimulation unless a woman has been aroused by clitoral play first. And then I wouldn't recommend stopping clitoral stimulation unless she has orgasmed. For many women, arousal will drop if the clitoris is taken out of the equation. So, that means that some form of clitoral stimulation should continue during intercourse -- unless she is vaginally orgasmic (only 30% of women are).

7. I think for many women developing an erotic fantasy life is necessary for orgasmic sex. Recently, I suggested to a friend who wasn't that familiar with erotica the classic Delta of Venus by Anais Nin. She is still thanking me weeks later. My friend is in her 60s, and she and her boyfriend (also in his 60s) had some extremely HOT sex. A very sexy read. Female friendly porn like Candida Royalle and Tony Comstock is also a good idea to learn what turns you on. If you are more conservative, you could try the old female standby the romance novel.

Women, Sex, Culture & Relationships
http://www.lilithland.net/

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Thank you---we can learn from this

Mon, 02/06/2012 - 01:43
Patrick_R

Thank you Lilith for taking the time to post something so carefully thought out and useful.  Many good points and tips, including how everyone is an individual with different responses. Hopefully you will be with your female partner for more than a one-night hookup, so you'll have the chance to discover what she really likes over time. I have both of the videos you mention (as DVDs) and they're indeed excellent. For men I think it can also be helpful to watch authentic instances of how women masturbate to orgasm (as in Dr Betty's videos) or stimulate one another. There's huge variation in technique, but some things in common as well. If your female partner is open to it, masturbating together to orgasm gives great feedback about how you both like to be touched.

In terms of clitoral stimulation during intercourse, men aren't automatically going to know what a woman likes. It seems that some women prefer to do it themselves, some might want their partner to do it, and some prefer a vibrator. I'm sure every woman has her own preference, and hopefully will let her partner know what that is.

Asking what she enjoys is generally a good idea. However, there are horror stories. I know a woman whose new male partner kindly asked, "What do you like?" She immediately turned very hostile and said, "I DON'T like to talk!" I'm sure that ruined the evening, at least for him. Often, of course, your partner's non-verbal responses will also tell you whether she's into what you're doing.

Orgasms between partners are not the only goal of caring sex, but I do think they're the natural result of two orgasmic partners who are sensitive to one another's needs. Thanks again for the great suggestions---I've learned from them.

Finding the clitoris

Sun, 02/05/2012 - 22:31
Fond Care

Yes, thanks from me too Lilith. The 3Dvulva site you alluded to has page on finding the clitoris that I found clarified an issue I had come across before. Most of the discussion on what the clitoris looks like focuses, naturally, on the 90% or so whose hood can be pulled back to make the glans visible. However, and the page mentions it, some clitori are hidden by a larger, longer hood, and this can be quite confusing for a novice like myself. As the articel says, the function of the clitoris is only rarely affected by this layout (one of diverse nature's many layouts), but it does once again emphasise how necessary it is for a woman to know what stimulates her, and for her and her partner to be prepared to learn how she likes it.

Bad Customer Service at New School of Erotic Touch

Mon, 02/06/2012 - 12:41
calistogababe

Lilith...thank you for your informative post.  I will follow up on several of your links. 
And I need to share that I had a bad experience with New School of Erotic Touch..although they are the reason I found this website!   The short version is I signed up at $39.00 to watch the video classes online.  They featured a big picture of Betty coaching and there was a vulva massage video I wanted to watch.  So I figured 2 videos for 40.00 online was worth it. 
However, they no longer had Betty's video (you have to pay first so I paid, then clicked and the link took me nowhere) and the vuvla massage video wasn't the entire video..it was a series of 6 short clips.  When I emailed them (see below for actual email stream) they appologized for not having deleted the link to Betty's dvd but offered me NO refund etc.  Then when I emailed about the 2nd dvd being a series of short clips NOT a full dvd they never responded back to me.
After reading your post, I checked and they have revised their
website.  It used to have a picture of Betty coaching on the front
page..that is gone.  I'm not sure what the difference is between their 19.00 and 39.00 service but I wouldn't recommend the 39.00 one until you check them out. Or perhaps Lilith can update us on the current online service vs my bad experience in December 2011.
****************************************************************
Here's the actual email stream if anybody wants to see it:
 On Dec 22, 2011, at 8:28 AM, xxx@earthlink.net wrote:

 calistogababe sent a message using the contact form at
 http://www.eroticmassage.com/contact.

 Hi..I just signed up and wanted to take Betty's dvd instruction
 Celebrating  Orgasm. Your link takes me to the dvd pages but the dvd isn't there to
 watch online? Thanks for your help. Suzanne

> ----- Original Message ----- From: "Erospirit/New School"
>
> To:
> Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 2:13 PM
> Subject: [SPAM] Re: [General Inquiry] Where is Betty Dobson's Celebrating
> Orgasm Training?
>
> Hello Suzanne,
>
> The Best of Vulva class was taken from the original DVD which included the
> short clip from Betty's Celebrating Orgasm DVD. We did sell the
> Celebrating Orgasm DVD at one time. Please excuse our sloppiness for not
> deactivating that link. You can visit Betty's website at
> http://dodsonandross.com/ for more information. Sorry for the
> inconvenience.
>
> The Folks at the New School

On Dec 27, 2011, at 12:39 PM, Calistogababe wrote:

 I'm really disappointed as I signed up wanting to try 2 classes and that
 was one of them.
 Please cancel my membership.
 The membership number is: 0111355301000013803

 Many thanks,
 Suzanne
(they canceled my membership and never offered a refund or discount…bad customer service
But it gets worse).

On Dec. 29, 2011, at 1:40 PM, calistogababe wrote:
I think your website advertising is really misleading. I signed up at 39.00
as your site says that gives me FULL ACCESS TO ALL YOUR CLASSES. But when I
click on Vulva massage I..I don't get access to the entire 120 minute
class...it's a bunch of broken up clips and they certainly don't add up to
120 minutes

I never heard back from them.  They never issued me a credit. 

you can watch Celebrating

Mon, 02/06/2012 - 15:37
Carlin Ross

you can watch Celebrating Orgasm right here on the site - click on "video" on the nav bar and scroll down.

You can also buy the dvd: http://www.dodsonandross.com/product/celebrating-orgasm-womens-private-s...

Hi Patrick, I think any woman

LilithLand's picture
Tue, 02/07/2012 - 02:35
LilithLand

Hi Patrick,
I think any woman who would say something like that probably gets what she deserves. But I can't really fault her, most people are uncomfortable talking about sex, and some women do (unfortunately) think less of men for asking. I once had a girlfriend who seemed to have these weird expectation that men were supposed to KNOW what to do. She kept insisting that she didn't do training sessions. That her great lovers always just figured it out. I don't think that is a very realistic attitude. 

I am sorry Calistogabe that

LilithLand's picture
Tue, 02/07/2012 - 02:39
LilithLand

I am sorry Calistogabe that you had such a bad time at the new school. I haven't renewed mine. But I was happy with it while I had it. It was very expensive. But I thought the material was great. 
Fond Care, I think as long as you are able to ask your partner what she wants you will do okay. It isn't really necessary to go for the glans directly. It is usually too sensitive. 

Hi Lilith . . .

Tue, 02/07/2012 - 03:08
Patrick_R

You know, I think your girlfriend's expectation that men should somehow just KNOW how to be great lovers is part of our cultural baggage. Men are trained to think they ought to be able to expertly handle every possible situation (even though that's impossible), and to think less of themselves when they can't. I'm sure a fair number of women pick up on that and expect the same. While that's understandable it's not, as you say, very realistic. In the case of the woman I knew, what startled me was her hostility. My first thought when she told me about it was, "Whoa! You were in the middle of such an intimate moment, and that's how you treated your partner?" It honestly made me pretty leery of her. But in retrospect, I don't think we can blame one another for all the bullsh*t our culture imparts. Better to be glad it's finally changing and men and women are more able than ever before to be equal friends and lovers.

Celebrating Orgasm Video

Sat, 02/11/2012 - 17:36
calistogababe

Thanks Carlin.
The Celebrating Orgasm video(s) have been so effective for me in combination with First Time Orgasm instructions.  Watching them has been like having a virtual coaching session with Betty.  What I especially like about each one is how flexible she is in working with each woman.  I would watch one session and then go practice. 
One day I was distracted by a sense that I was being watched and realized I thought Betty was sitting beside my bed!   :-)  

Personally, I would threaten

Tue, 02/14/2012 - 14:38
Boyinthewaves (not verified)

Personally, I would threaten to report them to the BBB or pursue legal action without a full refund. They've offered a product for a specified price; they did not deliver this product, and unless it is specified in their terms and conditions that they do no offer refunds under any circumstances, you are entitled to your money back - this is false and misleading advertising. If they don't respond to this, it is their problem and they will be the ones to come out of it for the worse. 

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