The Importance of Men Learning to Receive Penetration From a Woman

Wed, 04/24/2013 - 13:21
Submitted by Lawrence Lanoff

This week, I attended a workshop lead by my friend Allison on pegging. The maligned and misunderstood subject was being filmed for a Swedish TV show - and featured adult performer Wolf Hudson as the pegee.

The afternoon shoot was informative and inspiring. Here’s why: Allison was deeply in tune and attentive to Wolf’s needs. And Wolf let himself be vulnerable and available to the experience. In watching the two communicate and interact, I clearly saw the importance of men learning how to receive penetration from a woman.

Watching Allison and Wolf gave me a sense of the intimacy, fun and pleasure that’s available anytime we open and connect sexually. But as a man, relaxing and opening enough to allow penetration takes our vulnerability and the challenging of our psychological and social mores to a new skill level.

One woman in the audience said that she won’t even date a man unless he’s willing to let her peg him. “If a guy isn’t willing to open up to me, then I am not willing to open up to him. Simple.”

Here’s why: it’s difficult to be a true sexual black belt without empathy for your partner. Men who never receive will continue to lack basic understanding about the effects that foreplay, clear communication and non-judgmentalness has on relaxing into and receiving full pleasure from our sexual experiences. However, when he has that experience in his body, then he can more easily empathize.

Suddenly it makes real-world sense when a woman’s words – or her body – says “I’m not ready for penetration.”

That being said, once Wolf was warmed up and ready, I loved watching him unabashedly go for his pleasure in the nimble hands, and strap-on, of Allison, As seen on Swedish TV.

President of Pleasure. Buster of shame and myths.

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Empathy is about imagination

Wed, 04/24/2013 - 18:44
Jake E


Looks like pegging could be valuable and something I'd very much enjoy, though I feel your being presumptuous when you say it's the only route to achieving a certain level of empathy. Anal sex is different from vaginal penetration. Empathy is a stretch of the imagination, just as pegging is in your scenario the imaginary vaginal penetration. If we could walk a mile in someone else's shoes we wouldn't be empathising, we'd be them in their shoes. No imagination needed.  

Though skills are useful, the term sexual blackbelt seems egotistical, Judo is one dimensional with one objective, to overcome your opponent. Sex is an art and humanity and is diverse like music. You never hear someone say they're a blackbelt in music :) Both are subjective and have the joy of lifelong development and  discovery. 

I tend to agree with Jake on this one

Thu, 04/25/2013 - 14:31

I hadn't been familiar with the term 'pegging', although I've seen female to male penetration discussed by, among others, Dr Carol Queen. While I understand the premise, I think that men should be as in charge of their bodies as women are of theirs. If a woman insisted on 'pegging' me as a condition of our relationship and this did not appeal to me, I'd go looking for a partner willing to be more considerate. I would expect a woman unready for either vaginal or anal sex to insist on a considerate partner as well. 'If you really loved me, you'd do this for me,' is old, tired, and wrong. Anal penetration is not the exact equivalent of vaginal sex and there are physiological and psychological reasons why anal penetration might be quite painful or even impossible for people of both genders. No one should be manipulated or shamed into any form of sex for which they don't feel ready. I don't accept the notion that those who are never comfortable with anal penetration are somehow unable to be understanding lovers.

Non-judgmentalness isn't a word

Thu, 04/25/2013 - 18:59
Hucklebuck123 (not verified)

Just saying, is all. Oh, and this article was anything but nonjudgmental.

Point taken...

Lawrence Lanoff's picture
Thu, 04/25/2013 - 21:43
Lawrence Lanoff

Hey Guys,
Thanks for the feedback. Communication is so fucking difficult, sometimes I just don't even want to write because it's so easy to communicate something completely different from what the intention is... 
The point is not that you should be forced to have anal... just to be open to new experience! That communication about sexual needs and desires is awesome. Nothing I write is ever intended to be an edict nor a panecia... just sharing a bit... not intending to sound like I'm all that - because I'm not. I always assume that's a given... 
If you re-read above when I say, "[= 14px; line-height: 22px]Men who never receive will [/]continue[= 14px; line-height: 22px] to lack basic understanding about the effects that foreplay, clear communication and non-judgmentalness" I didn't say "recieve anal." I just purposely said recieve. In any form. Meditate. Get a massage. Receive a compliment. Recieve cash. Be still. Relax. Sink into the present moment. Stop. Receptivity is a skill that people have to cultivate - because that shit does NOT just fall off the truck... [/]
Anyway, thanks for speaking up... 

Equality and reversal.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 10:14
Jake E

Lawrence, thanks for appreciating the feedback. Though the most popular cultural norm of sexual arousal  is male dominating female, and that dynamic colours how people perceve talk about sexuality, sex acts themselves are consentual and consent has no gender bias. So I usually try and reverse the sexes with everythjing I write about sex or any gender issue or anything and see if it works. Very often after a quick gender reverse check some suprising inconsistances pop up.  

Thanks, Lawrence

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 12:02

Thanks for the clarification. I agree that being open and receptive---to affection, communication, new experiences, etc. is extremely important. And if receiving anal specifically does work for some couples, that's wonderful. I understand the intent behind it and if it leads to greater intimacy that's great. But the main thing is to have empathy and understanding, and these are human traits that don't depend on consenting to any one sort of sexual activity. We seem to be in full agreement on this.

I wholeheartedly agree

bimlove's picture
Mon, 05/06/2013 - 09:14

that strapon sex is a beautiful and all should engage in it!

On straight male anal penetration

WD's picture
Fri, 05/24/2013 - 00:23

I am a straight man who has a strong anal fetish, especially being anally licked and fingered by my wife. I think a lot about being pegged, but my wife is not into toys. I do use dildos and other anal toys on myself sometimes when I'm alone. It seems to me that straight men being penetrated is becoming more accepted and less misunderstood. I know I couldn't live without it. I crave not only the intense physical pleasure it gives me, but also the emotional gratification that comes from being vulnerable, open, and exposed. I don't expect that all men would like it, or think that they must try it, but I hope they would at least not stereotype or denigrate men like me who do. I love my genitals, but my sexuality or sense of myself as a man do not entirely center on them. My spirit, my mind, and the rest of my body, including my anus, are also important. The sexiest thing I can imagine is being naked, kneeling face down and bottom up, with my legs spread and anus exposed to a beautiful woman who adores my anus as much as my penis and testicles. I am blessed to have a life partner who is happy to fulfill my need.

Further reading – “Heterosexual Men and Anal Eroticism: A Scholarly Bibliography” at

Patrick and Jake are talking

Thu, 05/30/2013 - 00:34
Steener (not verified)

Patrick and Jake are talking like heterosexual men do not ask for anal sex from their female partners, and therefore pegging is incapable of helping men with their empathy. Let me tell you guys: they do.
I certainly would not be anally penetrated by a man that was not also willing to be anally penetrated by me. And I find that we usually both enjoy it.
I would also like to add that, I think being penetrated anally is probably much much more analogous to what being penetrated vaginally feels like than what getting a penis stimulated feels like. I base this on comparing what the following feel like to me: anal sex, vaginal sex, clitoral stimulation. I would say, one of these things is not like the others... clitoral stimulation is the most dissimilar of the group.

Anal sex is for some but not all

Thu, 05/30/2013 - 17:57

Hello Steener. I am sure that some heterosexual men do ask for anal penetration from their women partners, and I'm sure that it may add to empathy in some of those cases. But there are many roads to empathy, since we are human beings and have some ability to imagine what others are experiencing even if it is not identical with our own experience. Anal sex is right for some people, but not all. I'm one of those who has little interest in it as either the active or passive partner. For some of us, anal sex is just not our cup of tea and that's an equally valid preference.

Pegging by Girlfriend

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 23:27
J Waters (not verified)

I'm 65 and first experienced prostate massage in 2003 during a workshop on sexuality and relationships. I'd just returned from Afghanistan and had gone without sex for two years.
My new girlfriend was very anal oriented and wanted me to introduce me to the joys of a full orgasm via prostate stimulation combined with oral sex. We progressed to her using a dildo on me then one night after a lot of mutual play she brought out a new strapon of at least 6" and quite thick.  Must admitt I was quite fearful..yet her fingers and loads of lube gave me insight into a whole new world. I loved it. Finding myself opening up emotionally and understanding what women knew already from intercourse. We then progressed to a life like strapon.. then to a night a few weeks later with her best friends. The husband of her girlfriend was bi sexual and said he would introduce me to what can be gained through having a male on top. The feel of a real penis entering and fucking me became a watershed in my life. No.. I'm not bi nor gay.. but I am open sexually to more experience. We have done oral on each other with our women watching and encouraging us on. I knew always drink my cum from her vagina after climax and during oral she lets my own cum please me too. 
Anal is not a constant thing as I am very prone to hemmroids and need loads of relaxation and gentleness before vigorous sex. We do anal about once ever two weeks or once a month depending. oddly I find a real cock to be less invasive and more enjoyable.

Nothing is for everyone...

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 10:59
Dildo Slut (not verified)

...but pegging is for me! I'm a straight guy who loves an attractive woman with a big realistic dildo. Role reversal is lots of fun, as I like to dress up like a girl and have my mistress whip out her big dick on me and take me as her whore.
One more vote in the pro-pegging column. :-)

pegging woes

Mon, 07/21/2014 - 15:09
anjiepants (not verified)

Now that my boyfriend placed a strap on to me, I psycologicaly have learned to love it. 
Except for the fact that I no longer am a vagina. Our sex life was kinky and electro-fying, till all he will do is anal/milking/strapon. WTF I say!?
What about me? I think in my case, I feel more like a rubber dick and a whore than a life partner.
What do I do now? We have disscused it, but I fear he would be better off with a tranny as all he really enjoys is ass fucking. Giving and receiving. ( no offense to any genders )
Help Miss Peggy please!

Woah... woe... woah...gooooooo

Lawrence Lanoff's picture
Tue, 07/22/2014 - 17:14
Lawrence Lanoff

Hey Anjiepants...
So here's the thing... it sounds like you are getting the shaft... or uh, well not... and that sucks... Outside looking in, it seems that something has changed in the realtionship... and that change is not cool in the sense that your desires seem to be left out... Now, me personally, I'm all about being a whore with a rubber dick, however... if that doesn't work for you, I would suggest that you begin thinking about what it is that you REALLY want to experience... and share that... talk about it. If the relationship can't sustain a talk about jugular issues like pleasure, then it's probably the case that it's not really worth a long term investment in. 
What I am interested in is depth... (not in the sense of how many inches up the ass) - in the sense of how much vulnerability of pleasure and freedom can you open up to. 
You have dropped into some kind of pattern where your needs are being forgotten of left out. You need now to use your voice... and in using your voice you will come to discover that you are with somebody really cool... or you will discover that you have to use TWO magic relationship words...
Walk up to a window, on the highest building you can find, open the window and... Scream from the top of your lungs... 
"who's NEXT!!!!" 
Keep me posted...

I'm in the same boat as the

Sat, 08/02/2014 - 16:08
looking4understanding (not verified)

I'm in the same boat as the previous commenter. It seems all my husband wants is my plastic shaft and I'm not pleased. He's been impotent awhile now, and his cross dressing has gone from lingerie and panties to full dress. Garter, stockings, panties, shoes, dress, make up, wig, earrings. He dresses up, expects me to dress up w shaft and please him. It used to be quick and I'd get to cum too, now it's a damn process. Takes forever and nothing is big enough, he wants my fist. Feel left out. He's even taken to responding to other CD men's personal ads. He says it "for the fantasy", if so why the he'll tell the other person where you live and give a phone number? His solution to his impotence is to bring in another man, I'm not sure it's entirely for me.

Struggling to accept this.

impotent husband

Mon, 10/05/2015 - 23:15
Anonymous1 (not verified)

to respond to the last commenter, if your husband is impotent try papaverine. it works very well its an alkaloid in opium with ED counter effects without any narcotic effect.
as for me. i have never been pegged. but to be honest i like prostate stimulatation and wouldnt mind giving it a try one day if my wife wwantted to give it a go too. but i would be too embarrassed to mention it.


Sun, 10/09/2016 - 17:13
Wishtopeg (not verified)

I asked my wife if she would consider being a bit more adventurous and use a strapon - I got the look from hell and a definite no. She never compromises so I will never get the experience I long and wish for.

I compromise for her and ensure when we do make love she has mutiple orgasms before I let loose and climax. I do anything she asks to pleasure her - she however never reciprocates. Ultimatley it willl have to remain and despite the anguish I love her and make do with keeping it all a dream.

What utter rubbish!!!

Thu, 10/27/2016 - 14:40
Dave Brittain (not verified)

[= 14px]"Men who never receive will continue to lack basic understanding about the effects that foreplay, clear communication and non-judgmentalness has on relaxing into and receiving full pleasure from our sexual experiences."[/]

[= 14px]What a load of judgemental nonsense!! What gives you the right to presume you know how I relate to a women when in bed with her just because I don't want something shoved up my anus! Anther 'expert' who's advice and proclamations I will heartily ignore!! [/]

pegging, submission, very elderly senior

Tue, 11/21/2017 - 22:10
Old Bill (not verified)

I'm a man with questions.. first off my lady-friend and I have a good but vanilla sex life. Guess I shouldn't complain, she's 75 and I'm 80. However in the past I have had sex with men and women where anal sex played a part. Pegging before the term 'pegging' was invented. In recent years I've noticed a change in me, or a development in my sexual thinking; I'm feeling very submissive. By this I mean I'd like very much to become the 'bottom' for my partner with pegging being a part of the action. Her joy is in my performing oral sex on her... she loves it, along with penetration with her vibrator. I take great pleasure in satisfying her; at times I am unable to have an erection but, again in recent years, I've concluded that fact isn't important... the vibrator works wonders, along with my tongue. 
My questions: how to bring anal penetration into the event? How to bring submission into our sex play? Any/all answers, ideas, suggestions are appreceated.