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Self Compassion Can Keep Depression & Mental Illness at Bay

Mon, 01/14/2013 - 09:04
Submitted by Lawrence Lanoff

We can always be our own worst critics. However, recent studies show that being hyper-critical of ourselves can be detrimental to our health.

So now I’m going to let you in on a secret. My biggest spiritual insight over the last decade was in realizing the value and importance of self compassion. There’s a lot of psudo spiritual talk in our culture about granting others compassion and non-judgementalness – but what about self-compassion?

We can transform our core life wounds into gold using the elements of self compassion.

When we think negative, self abusive, judgmental thoughts about ourselves, we trigger chemicals in our bodies that can create strong feelings of depression, fear, anxiety, self abuse. Current research shows however, that self-compassion can actually help keep depression and mental illness at bay.

The core idea behind self-compassion is that we accept our faults. I’ll take it a step further and say, we have to learn to accept the totality of our unique life expression. However, there exists a delicate balance between self-compassion, self expression and narcissism. There are plenty of religions, spiritual cults and systems, with practices that sound like self compassion and honest self expression, but end up being abuisive narcissism focused on the idea that we only think about ourselves – and no one else really matters (or exists even).

When we accept the reality of our inner complexity, and yet we still care for others, their well being and emotions, then we can begin mastering the true art of self-compassion without crossing into narcissism and the abusing of others.

Three main areas make up self-compassion: They are self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self-kindness is the main component of self-compassion. We need to learn to be kinder towards ourselves when we notice our shortcomings. When we notice other people’s shortcomings, we generally don’t constantly criticize them as we do to ourselves, instead we work towards accepting them as they are. This is the same with our own body. Judging ourselves harshly can only lead to negative outcomes. We need to be supportive of who we are authentically, and simply work towards fixing the things we want to and are able to.

Common humanity is the knowledge that everyone is struggling to make sense of life. No one is perfect. Perfection is more bullshit psudo-spiritual nonsense. In fact, the belief in perfection is incredibly destructive - it’s impossible to achieve – because it’s a completely made up Santa Claus story.

The moment when we look in the mirror and do not like what we see looking back at us, we can feel separate and lonely. With self-compassion, we remember that there are millions of people having the same kinds of feelings. Finding others that share our fears and “imperfections” is a way of realizing we are not alone.

Finally, when we acknowledge that we are suffering inside because we believe we are not “perfect”, we can begin discovering and utilizing our observing ego - mindfulness. Mindfulness is key to all human change work. If we can’t be self observing, we can’t change. Mindfulness gives us the ability to find a way to rework and rewire ourselves to make the changes we desire.

It is easy to trick ourselves into seeing the good in others (because who really knows what goes on behind closed doors) and dwell on our own “faults and imperfections.”

Learning to accept who we are is difficult, but it’s something we desperately need – especially around sex and our bodies. Once we wake up to the fact that perfection is a myth intended to control us – like the Santa Claus – then we can learn to find pleasure in who we truly are, in the unique form that we are. To quote author Robert Greene, “you are a completely unique person. Learn to take small steps towards accepting and expressing that uniqueness.” This is what self-compassion is all about.

We Suggest: 
How to Naturally Treat Depression to Maintain Your Sex Life
Think Anti-Depressants are Affecting My Orgasms
How to Unite Orgasms and Depression
I Can Choose to Believe in an Open, Receptive, Fun, Pleasurable Sex Positive Universe
President of Pleasure, Tantric Master. Creator of Tantra-X University.
lawrencelanoff.com

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Dang, that was insightful

Mon, 01/14/2013 - 09:52
danielwidders

Powerful article.

depression and mental illness

Mon, 01/14/2013 - 10:26
robin45

At the age of 47yrs old never having had a girlfriend and sex I cannot stop feeling depressed. Despite seeing doctors and have pills it does not help. I still have the sames problems. I had a women wink at me from an adult dating site. She only live 8 miles away. I had to wait for the sites moderators to allow her profile to be viewed. This was on Sunday. On Monday I look at her profile and it said this members profile has been removed.My hopes dashed as usual. My sex drive is dying. It stops and starts more regularly now but never when I was younger apart from when I had 2 very painful rejections in the past. Masturbation is becoming less pleasureable and more difficult. I have spoke to women on a foreign dating site. One ended up calling me a scrounger and the others loose interest after a few emails. Beside why should a foreign women want to leave her family and move to another country. I am fooling myself thinking that an asperger male can fly of to Russia to meet women when I have enough difficulty communicating with women in this country. My Relate officer say that these women are after the green card. Someone of this site suggested  I look at Filaments magazine but fail to see how it can help me unless there is a singles column with lots of local women. So I begin the next stage of my deep decline into depression. It is to late for me. I have no friends to introduce me to women. My cousins don't know me and stay clear of me at family get togethers. I know I will become a pensioner suicide statistic.

Dear Asbergers Friend

Lawrence Lanoff's picture
Tue, 01/15/2013 - 08:36
Lawrence Lanoff

Hi Robin,
I ain't an MD. 
That being said, having meditated for 30 years (I started meditating as a little kid) I have to say that it may be time for you to take the focus off of sex and self pleasure and perhaps put the focus on deep meditation. 
What sex ultimately gives us access to is a deeper view to our ecstatic self, deep wellbeing ... but the reality is that we can tune into that ecstatic self through deep meditation. 
So, I would suggest discovering hypnosis and meditation as a way of accessing deep pleasure and bliss... 
Here's the thing. I have had periods of time without sex...and only deep meditation...meditation is incredibly satisfying... 
So, please focus on breathing, and basic meditation and or hypnosis as a way to access your deepest resources of pleasure and freedom... 

the undiscovered country

Wed, 01/16/2013 - 10:42
robin45

I have tried hypnosis in the past and it had no effect on me except remove money from my wallet. However a good nights sleep can help, be it only temporary. I've been run down lately with a nasty cold which would have dented anyone sex drive. I stlll think overall it is dimishing. I was hoping somebody on this site would be able to give me some useful advise. The problem is caused by womens attitudes and society. I have found that women only like men if they are either good looking, got a big career, are famous, very good socialisers like the leader of the pack, have lots of money,  are abit criminal or a combination of the above. Being so unattractive doesn't help with libdo let alone masturbation. I keep myself fit at the gym and do stretching classes. Despite having a slim athletic body, this makes no difference to the opposite sex. They don't get to know me and see my personality.

Self-compassion is vital

Fri, 01/25/2013 - 19:53
Patrick_R

I wanted to thank you for this article, Lawrence, because I also believe that compassion for ourselves is hugely important. It is the basis of compassion and empathy for others. You clarify a very common misunderstanding, too: self-kindness isn't self-indulgence or narcissism. Self-kindness includes self-discipline, for example---the self-discipline to meditate, or to journal about ourselves with both total honesty and total kindness. Self-empathy naturally leads to empathy for others, for it is through realizing that our own struggles are universal that we come to know how connected we are to everyone and everything.

In Buddhism, you and I are not less important than others, nor are we more so. We are all equally important and valuable. The Buddhist teacher Cheri Huber has written several excellent books on developing self-compassion (and on understanding why most of us don't have it). Most of us in the West have been brought up not with compassion but with terribly damaging doctrines about our 'sinfulness' and 'badness'. These doctrines benefit no one but the religious institutions that feed off the insecurities and self-doubt that their dogmas have created. We are not 'perfect', but we are unique and valuable all the same. Accepting 'the totality of our life expression' with kindness and compassion is paramount to being able to offer the same compassion to others. This is not a practice of 'approving' of everything we've ever done, but of developing the kind of self-compassion that transcends 'imperfections' and can be shared equally with everyone.

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