Human beings need monsters. We have always needed monsters.
From our ancestors living on the plains of Africa, to our modern day religious beliefs and our interconnected, convoluted conspiracy theories – monsters have and always will exist – deep inside our human imagination.
In the earliest days of consciousness, our ancestors found ways to explain scary things. Bizarre and super extraordinary ways to explain everything from natural disasters, to changes in weather patterns, to sexual desire, to birth, death, love.
We especially hate feeling powerless and helpless over our circumstances - so we make up stories. They make us feel like we can exert some kind of control over the external world.
Not because of Trump.
I'm angry because this week, my friend Tracy Elise, who was arrested in 2011, was found guilty of 22 charges - including 12 counts of money laundering, six counts of pandering and one count each of conspiracy to commit illegal control of an enterprise, illegal control of an enterprise, prostitution and operating a house of prostitution.
I once heard a phrase, “There is nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come.” So on this day, in which the Supreme Court of the United States legalized gay marriage, I say it is true. “There is nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come” and the time for people being allowed to marry people they love has finally arrived in the United States of America.
I would normally ask, “what took so long?” but I know the reality is that long term change takes time. Because It’s difficult to extract ourselves from our deeply held belief systems that we think are real. The belief systems we feel so strongly to be true, absolute, just. The one’s mommy and daddy told us that god believes in too.
This week, I've been thinking about all of the students who have come to me with their fears and anxieties around their use of porn over the years. It seems that so many people can get trapped in the porn rabbit hole of triggering dopamine and essentially using porn as a way to get lost or escape from reality.
However, there is the potential to use porn in more of a positive, life-affirming, life-supportive manner.
Porn exists. That’s a fact and a reality. We humans like to see other humans having sex.
My friend Susan called me in a panic. “I don’t know what to do,” she said, defeated. “He’s such a great man and I love him. But this is ripping me apart. I’m calling you because I want to know if the problem is me, my thinking – or him.”
The “issue” that was ripping her up was that she didn’t want to share time with her boyfriend’s boyfriend. She was feeling jealous, angry, unstable. So, this week, I want to talk about what was confusing Susan. And I want to simplify the problem.
Susan is in a relationship with a primary partner who is a gay man and who has a gay male as another primary partner. He wants to split his time between the two of them.She wants him for herself. All the time. She doesn't want to share her time. It just pisses her off.
For all the people I’m about to piss off, I open this blog post with an apology. I’m sorry. With that out of the way, let’s get to our regularly scheduled blog.
One of my students asked an interesting question today and I thought I would share my answer with you.
She asked me what the evolutionary benefit of a male refractory period might be.
One theory is that the penis is a beast of a seminal fluid plunger - plunging other men's sperm out of the vagina, giving his own sperm a chance to survive and fertilize the egg. This plunger effect has been well demonstrated in lab studies.
I was at a New Year’s party last week, speaking with a close friend. She asked me what I thought about cheating. She said she felt guilty for stepping out on her boyfriend which lead to him breaking up with her New Years Eve. She asked my opinion but of course I already knew she wouldn’t be happy with what I had to say. Neither will you.
Here’s why? Because I don’t believe a woman can cheat. Ever.
But before you go screaming for your mommy, let me explain.
Cheating harkens back to a time in our culture when women were considered property. The idea was this: your body in general and your vagina specifically, belong to me. Therefore, I also own the entire right to your sexuality.
I’m just back from teaching in Israel and I realized something profound about people on this trip that I want to share.
Humans are tribal by nature. We enjoy small groups of like minded people. We are often very concerned with “the other,” often casting “other” as the villain in our religious or cultural narrative.
But then there is sex. Sex is the unifying factor, the humanizing factor, the x factor that transcends cultural beliefs.
And so, teaching in Israel, it was profound to be sharing some radical concepts and experiences with other humans - who are desiring to move beyond the cultural and religious programming heaped upon us by our background. Ideas like taking back our sexual sovereignty and the self-authority of our bodies and our pleasure.
I’m waiting for a text from a friend. Today is a big day: she’s coming out to her Catholic mom. I want to know how it all goes. This isn’t the first time by the way. She’s tried before. Said the words, “Mom, I’m gay.” And mom didn’t listen.
Mom went into denial, told her she’s just confused - that she’s just going through a phase. But she’s not confused, and it’s not a phase. She likes girls. A lot. And when she has sex with girls, she doesn’t need to be black out drunk in order to do it.
I suggested that at 23 years old, she needs to tell her mom the truth. Simply. Not look for approval nor understanding. Just share the reality of how it is.
So I suggested that she use the “difficult conversations” formula adapted from my friend Reid Mihalko’s work.
Some things just outrage me. Yesterday, on NPR, I heard a 12 year old talk about why she thought “illegals” should be turned away from the US borders. She spoke about how these bad people were bringing drugs and disease into our country.
What blew my mind is that she said she thought the children should be sent home, or “better yet, put in jail.” And what’s particularly disturbing is that, many of the children coming to the US seeking asylum, are her age or younger.
Recently a friend asked me for my favorite secret tantric sex tip. So I thought I would share with you what I call The Tantric CAT - Conscious Awareness Touch.
The Tantric CAT has to do with switching from needy or grabby touch (the way many men are trained to touch) to an abundant, giving touch. Imagine the way you would reach out and touch a skittish cat. Gently, calmly and generously. Smooth, slow, soft movements.
This type of giving touch is expansive, infinite and feels more like flow.
All-American defensive lineman from the University of Missouri, Michael Sam, publicly disclosed Sunday that he’s gay. He may become the first openly gay player drafted into the NFL.
"I came to tell the world I'm an openly proud gay man," he said in an interview with ESPN. The interview is significant because it’s the first time a college player has openly come out before an NFL draft. In the past, this would have meant career suicide to a player.
The recent rise of awareness of Bitcoin makes me wonder if Bitcoin is good for sex.
Having been involved in Bitcoin for the last 3 years or so, I can say unequivocally, Bitcoin is amazing for sex.
Here's why. When we consider the U.S. dollar, what comes attached to it is a ton of emotion. Studies show that financial stress is a major player in relationship strife. Money conversations are hard. Poverty is not fun.
By now you have heard all about A&E’s indefinite suspension of Duck Dynasty’s star, Phil Robinson last week.
But this has done nothing to stem the controversy over his statements about gay people - quoting the bible and calling them sinners. To me what’s so interesting about this is how it gives us a chances to stare into the chasm of a massive divide in the world around sexual orientation.
I’m dedicating this blog to my Calgary Tribe. I was just teaching in Calgary with Monique Darling and Rovena Skye - and quite suddenly, we came to the last meditation of our epic weekend-long workshop. The entire group lay in a puppy pile on the floor, feeling the overall sense of bliss that can only be uncovered from releasing lots of beliefs, myths and frames that limit our pleasure.
In a flash, I realized that the best thing that I could do to close the circle was to wish them a very sacred prayer. Now before I tell you what that prayer is, I want to say last time I wrote a blog like this, some of my readers asked me if I was on drugs.