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In Which I Explain to My Daughter The Importance of Normalcy

Thu, 04/12/2012 - 12:03
Submitted by Kasini

On the particular Sunday on which this conversation occurred, I'd tried a new hairstyle where I'd coiled my hair into not one, not two, but three little buns across the nape of my neck. I loved it, it looked like a band of rosettes, and I'd gotten a number of compliments on it at work. And thus I left work to pick my children up from their other mother.

The Oldest (currently 6 years old): Mom, why do you have THREE buns in your hair?

Me: It's a new hairstyle, I think it looks pretty cute, what do you think?

The Oldest: It's not very normal.

Me: Ok, but is it cute?

The Oldest: Yeah, it's cute. But it's not normal. Normal is one or two buns, not three.

Me: That doesn't matter to me, what matters is that I think it looks cute.

The Oldest: So you don't want to be normal?

Me: No, I want to look whichever way makes me feel good.

The Oldest: It makes me feel good to look normal.

Me: If that's really what makes you feel good, then, ok. For me, I wanted to try this hair style and I didn't care that it was different.

The Oldest: So you wanted to not be normal on purpose?

Me: No. Normal is so unimportant to me that I didn't even take it into consideration when deciding how I wanted to look today. I'm not going to deliberately set out to look abnormal, and I'm not going to keep myself from trying things because I want to make sure I look normal. I'm going to try things that I think make me look cute, and only after I decide if they're cute or not will I consider that they might not be normal.

The Oldest: So you don't care about being normal or not being normal, you just want to look cute to you?

Me: Exactly.

The Oldest: Ok.

It's not often that I recognize an important teaching moment while in the middle of it, but I'm pretty proud of this one, and I thought it important to share here.  Now, I know this isn't a parenting blog, and this conversation isn't overtly about sexuality and bodies, but as I was having this conversation with my daughter, I kept thinking about Liandra's posts about labiaplasty, about women who are slicing off parts of their genitals -- cutting away some of their ability to feel pleasure -- and offering them up on the altar of "normalcy".  The thought horrifies me.

My children and I have, and will continue to have, frank and open conversations about sex, sexuality, and their bodies. I plan to make sure that my children have opportunities to view genitals without shame and loathing. But I also know how powerful media and peer pressure are. One quick conversation isn't going to counter act all that. One massive lecture won't do it, either. But many conversations, overt and covert, casual and otherwise, over the years just might. Consider this one of many innoculations I will give my children against the virus "Self-Destructive Pursuit of Normalcy".

We Suggest: 
Viva la Vulva
“This is the First Time We’ve Outed Ourselves & We're All Pretty Nervous”
Why Can't It Just Be "Scouts of America"?
Body Image, Eating Disorders & Parenting Daughters
Poet. Educator. Catalyst. Mother.
http://thismagpiemind.wordpress.com

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I agree

Thu, 04/12/2012 - 12:34
Jake E

Releiving your children of that pressure gives them a sanctaury away from it right at the heart and foundation of their world.

We learn so much from our kids

Thu, 04/12/2012 - 20:53
Liandra Dahl

We learn so much from our kids about how people ended up so deeply unconsciously programmed to conform even against their instinctual unique identities and interests. 

I'll never forget when my daughter came home from childcare and told me that a number of the girls had come together and told her she wasn't allowed to like to play with boys things because that wasn't normal for girls. She was only three and I remember thinking so it starts even younger than this for these little girls to already be enforcing their (parents/cultures) view of normalcy. Children are under a lot of pressure to conform to "normalcy" and they bend and absorb it so easily because they need too for many things. 

I love that your modelling uniqueness and that you kid is getting the chance to questioning everything including both normalcy and non-normalcy. 

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