The world is just waiting for the power in you to come out.
This week I did a practice Bodysex round with my assistant, Vega DeLeon, and I was reminded of so many important truths. One was that in our attempts to grow or become 'better', we often want to gloss over or sugar coat the gray areas, those places where we still feel shame or don't quite feel excited about ourselves.
When I share with someone how I feel about my body, I often say "Oh I like my body. Ok, I don't really like my stomach always... and my breasts, well... but I'm trying to love it anyways. So... yeah I really like my body. Everything's great!" It's almost reflexive to try and end on a positive note or reassure the other person we're ok.
And where the hell does that come from? For me it comes from a belief that if I don't feel 100% about my sexuality or body, I must be weak or not evolved enough or something. What happens if someone figures out I don't have it all worked out? That thought can be really terrifying.
Doing this work though has taught me that sharing the *most* unseemly thing, that thing which you most don't want to share, is always the most powerful. We often skirt around the diamond in the rough because it looks small, dirty and uninteresting beneath our feet. But the diamond picked up, explored and cleaned off reveals it's beauty, richness and power.
I can tell you that I DON'T have everything figured out. I am NOT satisfied with my body or my orgasm many days. Some days I want it to be different. I wish I came faster, or that I came easier from a partner's hands or mouth.
I have days I feel positively frustrated with myself. Days where I feel I look too young, plain or "cute." One of my personal battles with my appearance is worrying I look really young and worrying people won't take me seriously. And being a sex educator does not mean I instantly have everything figured out about sex or my orgasm either.
One of the biggest and most unexpected side-effects I encountered becoming more public about sex was an intense wave of performance anxiety in my personal sex life. The moment I announced seriously I would lead Bodysex workshops, I started feeling as if I should have everything figured out. I became very nervous with partners if I didn't orgasm and caught myself constantly explaining myself. I'd say things like "well yes... I'm a sex educator... but uh... yeah it just takes me a long time sometimes." Then the sexy time would often end with no orgasm and me feeling extremely embarrassed and down on myself.
No one asked me to explain myself but I took it upon myself to, because I didn't believe it was OK for me to just be me. And take 30-60 min to have an orgasm. Or have none at all. After several months of encounters like that, it was a rude awakening to realize I was having a full-on performance anxiety struggle. I've had let go of all my expectations and also the explaining and sugar coating. Owning my orgasm just as it is, with the amount of time and focus it takes, leads the way out of anxiety.
And as part of that journey I spent some time digging deep into my frustration and how I really felt about my orgasm and how it happened (and didn't happen).
Facing how we truly feel and see ourselves is the only way out.
I love the picture above because it shows how my body naturally looks sitting with all it's folds and the "unsightly" ripples of flesh we often work VERY hard to hide. Hiding and smoothing over our imperfections and doubts robs us of the freedom that getting vulnerable offers.
I've shared with you some of my vulnerable truths I'll be bringing to the Bodysex circle this weekend. These things are not how I *should* feel if I am on some mission to appear perfect and 'evolved' or like some guru. But I'm not in this to get an ego hit. I'm in it to heal and open the door for real and powerful healing for those who join me.
Healing comes when you own ALL of it. The yes, the no and the I just really don't know...
The power of vulnerability will be with us during Bodysex this weekend. We're not gonna do any sugar coating but will embrace our raw freedom - both the light *and* the dark - just as it is.