What normally would have felt amazing, taking me deeper into pleasure with every movement, kind of hurt this time. As he moved his fingers inside me, I felt tension growing in my pelvis. Something was welling up inside. I wasn't sure what - and suddenly I found myself overwhelmed by it's energy.
"Stop... come 'ere please" I asked.
We'd just spent the last four hours talking about breaking up. Oh and my pussy, she never lies.
My body was full of emotion. I couldn't help but feel it as he touched me. He stopped, and as he moved in close to hold me, I burst into tears.
Over and over again I have learned how my body uses subtle sensation to tell me things.
This time it was telling me I was hurting and afraid. It was telling me that instead of sex, what I really needed was to be held.
Over the years I've learned to listen to my body and take it's many varied sensations - from pleasure to pain - far more seriously than any sex educator, teacher, parent or partner ever taught me to.
My body is my guide and listening to her has served me very well.
In this material, mind-driven world we mostly ignore our bodies' sensations and write them off as meaningless... or annoying. Especially when it's unpleasant sensations like pain, discomfort, muscle tension or anxiety, we often get caught up frantically trying to get rid of them instead of listening to them.
I ignored my body's sensory messages for a long time. Only through years of suffering and struggle with sexual pain did I learn to tune in and inspect what was going on at a deeper level.
In my journey out of vaginismus (the sexual pain I just mentioned), I learned the discomfort I sometimes felt with penetration was really my body keeping me safe. Though my mind was sexually liberated, on some deeper level I didn't feel safe to be my full sexual and lusty self in this world. So my pussy would have a burning sensation or sharp pain deep inside sometimes. It was my body's way of letting me know something was up. Making sex *hard* was the perfect way to protect me from becoming the sexually non-monogamous woman I naturally am. In all honesty, if I had become her too soon, I might have not been able to bear the judgment our slut-shaming world would have thrown my way. My heart is very sensitive and so I protected myself from myself. And my body was there all along to let me know what was happening.
I can look back now with fascination and compassion to my body's sensory messages of pain and tension, instead of the confusion and anger I felt then. But when I was fighting my body, unwilling to listen to it saying "I don't feel safe and I am so much more amazingly sexual than you have allowed me to be", I couldn't make headway out of the pain.
Four years later after that healing, I still watch my body for signs it has some wisdom to share with me. When I feel more aligned with a partner, aligned in my own life or open in my heart and safe, I tend to feel more pleasure in sex and am more orgasmic too.
Emotions and messages can come up during self-pleasuring for me as well. I often watch my orgasm as a barometer for how stressed I am, how happy, open, and how satisfied I am with my life. My orgasm shifts in intensity, quality and duration based on how the rest of me is feeling.
Listening to the body is not really a new idea, but applying it directly to sexuality is rather new and radical. We tend to treat sex like commodity or a function we perform - not as an experience we engage in with our whole being: body, mind, heart and spirit.
I don't care what kind of sex you're having - casual flings, sex with a longterm partner, passionate sex, pity sex, horny sex, or sex with just yourself - all of it is an experience you are engaging in with your whole self. And if you leave some part of yourself out of it - like your heart or mind - you will feel that reflected in your body and sensation.
Our bodies are very powerful and they integrate and hold physical space for our heart, mind and spirit to manifest. Our bodies are not shells for the mind or will. They are not machines where you can press certain buttons and get them to do what you want. You can't *input* "X" sexual experience and get out "Y" every time. Our bodies are a dynamic, wise and responsive part of our being we are in relationship to. One part of our whole self.
When you can't figure out why it's taking so long this time to orgasm or you're having sex and "ouch", it suddenly hurts, your body has something to say to you. It can be saying simple things like "Not enough kissing and holding!"
Or it can be more complex things like "I'm hurt", "I'm angry" or "get me out of this relationship!" Your body often has stories to tell about your heart, mind or life circumstances.
Sometimes our bodies talk through lack of sensation too. Maybe you feel nothing when someone touches you, and you wonder why.
When something happens in your body that you don't understand, try taking some time to tune in to whatever area of your body you're experiencing the sensation or lack of sensation. Meditate to see if you can hear, see or feel something. Listening is an intuitive process that takes practice. When you do hear, feel or see something through tuning in, take what you learn there your life with patience, understanding and gratitude for your body, and it's care for you.