The world is just waiting for the power in you to come out.
This week I did a practice Bodysex round with my assistant, Vega DeLeon, and I was reminded of so many important truths. One was that in our attempts to grow or become 'better', we often want to gloss over or sugar coat the gray areas, those places where we still feel shame or don't quite feel excited about ourselves.
When I share with someone how I feel about my body, I often say "Oh I like my body. Ok, I don't really like my stomach always... and my breasts, well... but I'm trying to love it anyways. So... yeah I really like my body. Everything's great!" It's almost reflexive to try and end on a positive note or reassure the other person we're ok.
As I sat down to write about Bodysex last week, I noticed the last lily bud from centerpiece flowers beginning to open.
I feel like that lily bud. Both attending and facilitating Bodysex has opened me so much and this workshop was no exception. It infused me with the strength to unfurl my wings in new and deeper ways.
All of our inner-buds unfurled to reveal beauty long held inside but kept private. When the world doesn't understand sexual pleasure as healthy and normal, even the most empowered woman feels at times she must hide herself to spare the judgment of a shaming world.
What normally would have felt amazing, taking me deeper into pleasure with every movement, kind of hurt this time. As he moved his fingers inside me, I felt tension growing in my pelvis. Something was welling up inside. I wasn't sure what - and suddenly I found myself overwhelmed by it's energy.
Most of my life I have felt more comfortable with men than women. I made friends with the 'dudes' and always had a few around to hang with, talk to and make me feel beautiful and valued.
When it came to connecting with women, I walked the tight rope of both desiring to belong and fearing I wouldn't be accepted. I felt sure they would see my flaws and expose me as anything but 'normal.'
I remember my first Bodysex workshop and how excited I was to join the group of women, to see all the unique bodies naked and the beautiful variety of vulvas. Despite my excitement though, the morning of Bodysex all my insecurities rose to the surface.
This May marks the happy anniversary of four years since vaginismus packed it’s bags and left my vagina forever.
Vaginismus is a form of sexual dysfunction where you feel a burning sensation, discomfort or pain with penetration. Obviously that would make intercourse for the female kind pretty difficult and in some cases, impossible.
The discomfort is caused by tension in the pelvic floor muscles, but the favorite cause for misled professionals, naive sex educators and laymen to site is not the body or the muscles, but your head.
I take great issue with the prevalent assumption that vaginismus is psychologically caused.
Colorado experienced their first Bodysex workshop a week ago. I am deeply honored to have taken our group of eight women on this magical journey. The weekend was a powerful and bonding experience for the group and we all left with open hearts, feeling deeply nourished.
The healing transformation for the women attending was beautiful to witness. There were lots of tears throughout the workshop, women releasing different things, some of them feeling and releasing emotions they had hidden inside for years. We cried our cathartic tears together and also laughed much in celebration. When each woman left, she gave me a long hug and we gazed in each others eyes. I felt my own heart leap as they expressed pure gratitude and I could see a new confidence and openess in their eyes.
I am so happy to write you this morning to tell you that last night I concluded facilitating my first Bodysex workshop here in beautiful Boulder Colorado.
I hardly even know what to say to you Betty after this experience. The words flood in because it was one of the most significant experiences of life, a powerful healing and transformative - beyond my wildest dreams - circle, and my greatest personal accomplishment yet. All I know is that I am FILLED to the brim with awe for this work you have created and YOU. What a fucking big clit you have to have created this powerful and bold work and then promote it and bring it into the world!!
My life is not what I thought it would be 7 years ago when I fell in love with my partner, the man I married and who later became the father of my son.
When we married, we didn’t sign a license. We didn’t promise ‘till death do us part’, or to even love each other forever… those were things I knew I could never guarantee because I didn’t know the future, and the future changes people.
We didn’t have rings or a preacher or even a white dress and a black tuxedo. On that December night, two days after Christmas, we stood in front of all our family and friends and promised “So long as our hearts were willing, we would open to and love each other fully. And God let our hearts be willing!” That was our promise and prayer.
Today is the day I will be asked to share with the world my most vulnerable self.... my most 'shameful' story. I started my blog to share it, but then after months of writing and writing…. and more writing, I found that I still had not published a single word on it.
Over the last 7 years, I have worked hard to free myself of sexual shame. After years of opening my mind, heart and body, I am indeed "that woman" - one who expresses her sexual desires and pleasure without fear. I can talk all day, even in the grocery store isles, about orgasm, masturbation, bodysex, penetration and pleasure. But still, despite all this opening and confidence, there is still an area of my sexuality which I have withheld from the world.
Masturbation itself is not new to me. I first masturbated when I was five, finding the good feelings suddenly as I rode my new teddy bear like a horse across my my still baby-quilted bed.
But although masturbation is not new to me, empowered masturbation is. And the difference between these two is huge.
When I discovered I could rub my little place down there on a pillow and make myself feel oh-so-good, from the first moment I found it, I felt shame. The orgasm washed over me. It was so surprising, so wonderful. But as I emerged out of the waves, a gasp of dread filled me and then like a sharp spear, the thought entered me so clearly “I can never share this with my mother. She must never find out. Not her, not ANYONE.”