Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross
Better Orgasms. Better World.
Can you force sexual attraction? Or rather, can you get past the lack of it? I remember reading Betty’s memoir, and when she got past the idea of needing to find someone sexually attractive to fuck them, that really struck me. An ugly person can be a good lover.
So, I haven’t blogged since the end of January. But that’s basically because nothing has happened. I haven’t had sex, had a date, kissed anyone, held hands or even played footsie. The guy I liked is apparently moving away, and his roommate is staying and has a crush on me. Now I didn’t have that immediate sexual connection with the roommate. But can I get past that? I don’t find him repulsive. We have a lot in common. We can easily strike up conversation, get along, understand the same in-jokes, and it’s pretty obvious he has a crush on me.
So, to fuck him or not to fuck him? There’s basically one other competitor. Someone I’m more sexually attracted to, but less attracted to personality/humour-wise. Plus, this roommate guy (let’s be honest, this is kind of important) has more money. He could provide more and doesn’t mind spending money on a poor student like me. And hey, I need it. There’s no way I could afford to go out drinking like they do all the time and chip in an equal amount.
So I mean, let’s get serious. I’m sick to death of being a 23-year old virgin. I don’t like being alone all the time. I want someone to cuddle with, make star trek references and video games jokes with, surf reddit with, and yeah, someone to fuck and make out with. Does that necessarily have to be someone I find irresistibly attractive? Or does it just have to be someone smart, witty and local who finds me irresistible? I’m not sure yet. But thankfully he does seem like the kind of person that would let me get away with being non-monogamous. I certainly don’t think I could give up the idea of making out with/taking home hot women just because I’m dating a guy.
I guess I’ll just have to keep you guys filled in. I wish I could figure myself out, but I guess there’s no shortcut to that - I’ll just have to go through the same trials and errors as everyone else. Wish me luck..
A virgin at 23? Surely then
A virgin at 23? Surely then you're not ready for sex with a partner. Maybe it's not for you. Give that a thought.
I think you can have great
I think you can have great sex, and a good, fun time with someone you're not initially sexually attracted to. But I think, and this is just ME talking here, that in this instance I would NOT do it. Because of the discrepancy in the emotional investment here. Frankly it sounds like you'd just be using the guy for his money and his sex, while HE'D be getting into an emotional relationship with someone he's crushed out on.
I don't think you need love for a sexual relationship, but I think both people need to be on the same page. I'd recommend being very clear with him about where you're coming from and what you're planning on getting out of it and give him a chance to think about whether or not he's ok with the emotional discrepancy.
Oooh I say yes! room mate :)
Go for it. You don't know how you'll feel when you touch him. You might be different, but for me just as everyones photogenic hotness varies, so does their intimate presence and touch and room mate sounds promising for that. and after a while good looking becomes less important than connection and imagination. Good luck :)
Jex, I agree with Kasini on this one . . .
It's no fun being lonely and affection and sex-deprived, and I can understand wanting to do something about that. But I think Kasini is right about using somebody for convenience when they like you a lot more than you like them. That's not going to make you feel good about yourself in the end.
And isn't this all kind of theoretical at this point? I mean, it sounds as if he hasn't even asked you out (or vice-versa), possibly because he's not even sure that you'd be receptive to going out with a guy. Worrying about whether he'd accept your going out with women is also kind of theoretical, since you seem to be saying that you're not doing that either at the moment. It seems as if you're stuck in your unhappiness, not sure of what to do or with whom. Maybe you could take a little time to identify what you're really looking for in a partner, and see if you can find a person who's reasonably close to what you want. When you find that person, then you can take some realistic steps to try to get to know them better.
If I was you
I would try both of them :) starting with the room mate. Dating someone doesn't commit you to them and you'll only find out all these if's if you get together. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. Learning how to cope when things turn to crap is something we all go through. You'll be honest and empowered so if you find your not ready for intercourse that's only part of sex. If he can make you orgasm in lots of other ways as easily as he makes you laugh and you can do the same for him you may involenterilly fall in love :) Nothing ventured nothing gained. I rest my case :)
Sex before love
How can you love someone if the sex doesn't work. I'd start with the sex and if it works out then you might choose to fall in love.
Being hungry for sex makes us all a little bit crazy, and leads to bad decisions. Like they say about going to the supermarket, you should eat before you go or you will buy dumb stuff.
Putting aside any rights and
Putting aside any rights and wrongs, and in answer to the question in your title, I'd say if you gave it a bit of time you'd probably end up feeling sexual attraction towards the guy who likes you. When you know someone likes you, you tend to start looking at them in a different way, and in the end it's usually hard to resist somebody who wants you.
I'm a student, too and I
I'm a student, too and I would never let a guy pay for me. Fine if he wants to take you out and pay for it, but I really hope you're not talking about buying you shoes, paying bills and shit.
Anyway, you don't have to start by fucking him. Try him out a little bit, ask him if he likes you, what he likes about you, kiss some. That's the way to awaken lust. Let it build.
Can you force sexual attraction?
I say "no" and this is coming from a grannie. Been there and done that and it doesn't work as far as I'm concerned. When I was young...at first it seemed that I was either with a guy that i was attracted to but than reallized i didn't really like or the buddy that i was trying to get attracted to. well, it never worked until i finally could find a guy that I was attracted to as well as someone i really liked as a person as well. I believe the attraction is just there when you first meet and than the rest follows. And the part about the one guy having more money is not going to help you feel comfortable in bed...plus you are a virgen. You need to "feel comfortable" somehow.
Hmmmm
I agree, yOu don't need to be attracted to someone to fuck them and. Am not sure it's really that important.
But would You want to have sex with someone that you are crushing on that doesn't find you attractive and was just fucking You because you were there and a warm hole?
Think about it... Why dont you look for a mutually beneficial situation? This has the potential to be ugly and if it's your first time make it real.
Proof of the pudding
You can speculate all you want, but there is only one way to find out. And even if you are wrong, it doesn't necessarily make it a bad experience.
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