I'll be the first to admit I find human sexuality wildly confusing. I studied sexuality in university and still haven't come any closer to figuring out what the hell is going on. I'm not sure why I want to so bad.. for some reason I just have an internal debate constantly raging in my head.
"What am I? What am I doing? How am I getting turned on by a guy? Could I ever really get up the nerve to have sex with someone that has a penis? Don't I find penises like, totally gross? I thought I was gay... I definitely am gay. Right? Maybe not. But then again.."
So I met someone last night. Someone else. Maybe the professor was just a fantasy... To be fair I do still like him but I think it's more the power dynamics I'm into than his actual self. And last night I think I met a guy's actual self that I actually liked.. Conversation's the most important part, right? At least for me it is. Throw around some ten dollar words, talk about your nerdy passions, throw in some witty banter, chivalry and bam. Guess I'm hooked. Not to mention the accent..... But don't get me started about that.
It's kind of a weird situation. A friend of a classmate, and I'm fairly sure the classmate himself likes me too.. But couldn't help it. There was just chemistry with this other guy I couldn't explain. In fact, even if this didn't turn into dating, I can completely see inserting myself into this group of friends and staying. Ever since leaving University I've been looking for what I left behind - that close-knit group of friends that can hang out and do anything, talk about anything, never get sick of each other, and most importantly, never be boring. Maybe I've found that in my classmate's life, and since we all got along so well last night, I have no doubt that I'd be welcomed into their group with open arms.
The thing is, I don't think I want to just be friends with the one guy. I can see myself sleeping over at their house wearing his PJ pants. Snuggling and watching Firefly in bed with him. Smelling him. I already had like two dreams about holding the guy's hand! Although I think these are mostly romantic feelings and that romantic and sexual feelings can be totally separate, I was also kind of getting lubed up just getting to know him. Like, legitimately. I was reading into every body language gesture, sitting beside him at every opportunity and the jokes were cracking like lightning.. Not to mention the drinks were flowing all night and these guys were throwing 20 dollar bills around like it was monopoly money. Now that is some gentlemanly shit.
I already have plans to see him again, a house party the weekend after next weekend. I was holding myself back last night with the flirting.. I had to stop myself from touching him. Seriously all I wanted to do was accidentally-on-purpose graze his leg with mine, or put my hand on his arm while I was saying something or (gasp) hold his hand. But I couldn't bring myself to do it right in front of the classmate who apparently speaks so highly of me to them. Hopefully he doesn't like me that much after all and isn't the type of guy to stand in the way of two people who do like each other. But I don't know that for sure yet. And I've already outed myself to him as gay (which I've stopped doing the last couple of months by the way), so it would confuse him I'm sure. Not to mention all my other classmates that were out with us that also knew. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't let this kind of stupid shit actually get in the way of my happiness, I just didn't feel the need to push it right at that moment in time. And hopefully there are plenty of other times to make up for it.
Whenever I meet a really quality, attractive, intelligent guy (and for me that's rare), I feel like I want them to know they're appreciated. Especially if I really do start to appreciate them - certainly if I realize how great they are it's not long until the other girls do right? So to hell with those other bitches, I should snatch him up for myself.. Even if I don't really like him, fuck, I just want some quality time with someone, whatever genitals they might have. And I want someone to appreciate me. I want someone to kiss me and hold me and tell me I'm a worthwhile person. It's been literally YEARS since I've even had a taste of that. And even though I know I'm supposed to be a catch (not to be arrogant but come on I'm fit, young, smart, pretty and more of a nerd than most guys I know), after that long you really start to wonder what the fuck is wrong with you.
The thing is, even if it's doomed I want it. Even if I'm going to wreck it with my confusion and doubting and listening to friends who are jealous or unsupportive, I still want it. I want to be happy. I feel like that side of myself is atrophying. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be having sex with someone I like, I deserve it. Now if only I could just convince myself of that for real....