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Seriously, Why is Figuring Out My Sexuality So Confusing?

Sat, 01/28/2012 - 13:25
Submitted by jexhibitionism

I'll be the first to admit I find human sexuality wildly confusing. I studied sexuality in university and still haven't come any closer to figuring out what the hell is going on. I'm not sure why I want to so bad.. for some reason I just have an internal debate constantly raging in my head.

"What am I? What am I doing? How am I getting turned on by a guy? Could I ever really get up the nerve to have sex with someone that has a penis? Don't I find penises like, totally gross? I thought I was gay... I definitely am gay. Right? Maybe not. But then again.."

So I met someone last night. Someone else. Maybe the professor was just a fantasy... To be fair I do still like him but I think it's more the power dynamics I'm into than his actual self. And last night I think I met a guy's actual self that I actually liked.. Conversation's the most important part, right? At least for me it is. Throw around some ten dollar words, talk about your nerdy passions, throw in some witty banter, chivalry and bam. Guess I'm hooked. Not to mention the accent..... But don't get me started about that.

It's kind of a weird situation. A friend of a classmate, and I'm fairly sure the classmate himself likes me too.. But couldn't help it. There was just chemistry with this other guy I couldn't explain. In fact, even if this didn't turn into dating, I can completely see inserting myself into this group of friends and staying. Ever since leaving University I've been looking for what I left behind - that close-knit group of friends that can hang out and do anything, talk about anything, never get sick of each other, and most importantly, never be boring. Maybe I've found that in my classmate's life, and since we all got along so well last night, I have no doubt that I'd be welcomed into their group with open arms.

The thing is, I don't think I want to just be friends with the one guy. I can see myself sleeping over at their house wearing his PJ pants. Snuggling and watching Firefly in bed with him. Smelling him. I already had like two dreams about holding the guy's hand! Although I think these are mostly romantic feelings and that romantic and sexual feelings can be totally separate, I was also kind of getting lubed up just getting to know him. Like, legitimately. I was reading into every body language gesture, sitting beside him at every opportunity and the jokes were cracking like lightning.. Not to mention the drinks were flowing all night and these guys were throwing 20 dollar bills around like it was monopoly money. Now that is some gentlemanly shit.

I already have plans to see him again, a house party the weekend after next weekend. I was holding myself back last night with the flirting.. I had to stop myself from touching him. Seriously all I wanted to do was accidentally-on-purpose graze his leg with mine, or put my hand on his arm while I was saying something or (gasp) hold his hand. But I couldn't bring myself to do it right in front of the classmate who apparently speaks so highly of me to them. Hopefully he doesn't like me that much after all and isn't the type of guy to stand in the way of two people who do like each other. But I don't know that for sure yet. And I've already outed myself to him as gay (which I've stopped doing the last couple of months by the way), so it would confuse him I'm sure. Not to mention all my other classmates that were out with us that also knew. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't let this kind of stupid shit actually get in the way of my happiness, I just didn't feel the need to push it right at that moment in time. And hopefully there are plenty of other times to make up for it.

Whenever I meet a really quality, attractive, intelligent guy (and for me that's rare), I feel like I want them to know they're appreciated. Especially if I really do start to appreciate them - certainly if I realize how great they are it's not long until the other girls do right? So to hell with those other bitches, I should snatch him up for myself.. Even if I don't really like him, fuck, I just want some quality time with someone, whatever genitals they might have. And I want someone to appreciate me. I want someone to kiss me and hold me and tell me I'm a worthwhile person. It's been literally YEARS since I've even had a taste of that. And even though I know I'm supposed to be a catch (not to be arrogant but come on I'm fit, young, smart, pretty and more of a nerd than most guys I know), after that long you really start to wonder what the fuck is wrong with you.

The thing is, even if it's doomed I want it. Even if I'm going to wreck it with my confusion and doubting and listening to friends who are jealous or unsupportive, I still want it. I want to be happy. I feel like that side of myself is atrophying. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be having sex with someone I like, I deserve it. Now if only I could just convince myself of that for real....

http://jexhibitionism.com/

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It's really sad that you

Sat, 01/28/2012 - 18:08
Jake E

It's really sad that you haven't experienced a nice healthy sexual interaction in years. Have you thought about making a timely proposition to a man like you can with another woman.  I find being desired so much that someone asks me is a big turn on and being able to tell someone they're gorgeous removes ambiguity and so the risks in responding. Some people can just be nice and aren't flirting or can flirt casually with no intension. The last thing a man who is personally genuine wants is to be mistaken for a creep, especially like the professor, when they're at work. So my advice is to say with confidence and if it's true "I think your gorgeous" and then follow depending on their reaction or response  just as you would in a gay bar with another woman. I think gender polarity is culturally imposed. People are people, we're all emotional beings. I sent Christmas cards to my male workmates and they loved it.  Hope you meet and get together with someone good soon. 

You're young . . . you're still evolving.

Sun, 01/29/2012 - 03:32
Patrick_R

Jex, you're still a young person. You're evolving, and you'll never stop evolving as a person. It sounds as if your sense of yourself isn't fully developed yet. I think that's pretty frequent at your age (and older too!). Your yearnings for a romantic/sexual partner sound a lot like my own when I was a twenty-something, and they're totally understandable and worthwhile.The better you get to know yourself (with kindness, understanding, and compassion), the easier it will be for you to relate intimately to someone else. For me, part of that process was journaling and meditation. For you, it might be something else.

It might help too if you take a longer break from trying to give yourself a permanent label. Maybe there's more than one person around who's said, "I'd really like to get to know jex better, but I hear she's not into men. Guess I'd be wasting my time." And sometimes when we're not sure what it is we really want, we flirt with situations or people we know we're not quite ready to follow up with. Daydreams always go the way we want them to, and they can be a good way to rehearse our desires. BTW, I like your image of snuggling up to this guy and watching Firefly together. Maybe you really could find someone to share affection with, but not instant sex---someone who'd be willing to go as slowly as you need them to go.

So before you get deeply involved with someone else, why not spend some quality time with yourself? Take yourself to lunch or a movie. Be kind to yourself---unconditionally loving. You might do some writing, or take long walks. Most of us are so critical of ourselves! It's what our social and religious training teaches---and it's dead wrong. You're a worthwhile and lovable person just as you are. I hope you'll take the time to find that out for yourself.

On the topic of sexuality and

Sun, 01/29/2012 - 11:45
An On (not verified)

On the topic of sexuality and labels, I would like, if I may, highly recommend "Sexual Fluidity" by Lisa Diamond. A brilliant, humane and scientific account of women's sexuality (as in sexual orientation). It's beautiful and liberating. With this in mind, when Betty and Carlin describe themselves as "just sexual" or "heterosexual bisexual lesbian", it makes total sense. Not all people's sexuality is fluid, or rather people have various degrees of fluidity, but the concept of a sexuality that evolves throughout lifetime is brilliant- and supported by scientific evidence.

repressed and proud. say it LOUD

Sun, 04/22/2012 - 04:42
Anonymous764i67576 (not verified)

(just for hahas.)
maybe you're just cautious.

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