Yikes have I really been gone for 8 months? Well, I've had a lot of personal drama this year and I'm back in college full-time so I haven't had much time for blogging. I've just been quietly doing my thing, dealing with the usual spurts of depression and, okay, totally indulging myself in laziness. Can you blame a girl?
I have to admit, there's been a development. I have a new crush. A pretty serious one. It hit me quite hard the first week I started at my new school. There he was... Bearded, cool, hilarious. And totally manly. That's right folks, gayest chick in the class and here I am trying to seduce my male professor. Sigh. I really don't believe I had any control over it. From the moment I laid eyes on him I knew I was going to be having sex with him, whether it was real or just in my imagination, and I think he feels the same way.
Thankfully he's single, available, relatively young, and seems to be equally into me. In fact, I blame him for starting it. He started flirting tirelessly with me from the first day and there was just something about him I felt I could trust. When I looked into his eyes at the end of that first class I felt something pull me in. I was hooked. From then on I aways made sure I looked my best whenever I knew I'd be seeing him. I went from being unsure if this was the right program for me to being totally sure. I smiled on the way home, I danced in my room, I sung along to "Don't Stand So Close To Me", and I've basically been that way ever since.
I've gone through periods of being unsure this is what I really want (obviously), and wondering if I'm being silly for fixating him so much to the point of not even wanting to date anyone else, but whenever he comes over and teases me in class I know I need to go after it. I'm determined to see this thing through to the end - good or bad. Whether it turns out we have true chemistry or not. I haven't had such a powerful draw towards one person in such a long time. Even though intimacy with another person scares me to death I know I need to try. I've never really given a relationship my all, never fully let someone into my heart, but I want to try. I want to see how far I can make it.. And above all I just want to stop getting in my own way and be happy.
So I guess for now I have to give up my prized homo label. I'm defining myself as queer - as in yeah I'm still pretty much a dyke but don't expect me to fit in a little box. I've been slowly trying to work some more hetero porn into my diet to get used to the idea of being with him lately. Although I'm pretty sure I'll still never ever be un-gay enough to blow a guy. Thankfully he seems like the type of dude that would be totally okay with putting it in my butt while I make out with another girl. At least he better be. Guess there's only one way to find out..