It’s been more than a month since the last Bodysex and I hadn’t been able to write. It’s been happening so much in my head and my feelings that it took me all this time to settle.
Every day I wake up more disappointed that the last day. Living in the US right now, surrounded by all the political changes, being not only a Woman, but a Mexican Woman, makes me scared to what’s going to happen to my gender, to my people. Not only Mexicans or immigrants living in the US will be affected, my country depends so much on US economy and politics (consequence of a terrible government) that right now everything feels to be collapsing and I’m afraid.
It is hard to focus on pleasure when I feel vulnerable and uncertain. I even started questioning what I do and how would it really help my community. Today, I was walking down the street and remembered my last Bodysex circle. It was a huge challenge for me to facilitate it away from home, in not my first language and in a different cultural context.
But then I remembered, in the circle there were no countries, there were no cultural differences, there was not prejudice, debate, censorship, etc. We were just women, safe, free, sex positive, supporting, women; all that I want my world to be. Each one of us have academic backgrounds focused on teaching and helping others on sexuality matters. We are what others call “sex experts” and we are specifically trained to take care of others. So, the challenge here was to leave the sexologist outside and to come in to the circle as a sexual woman, sharing in first person, opening about our life experiences.
The discussions about our body and our orgasms were deep, the genital show and tell was joyful and liberating, we were seeing each other differently, we all knew and loved our vulvas but this time was different, this time each one of us was taking time to connect with our life force, with our sexual energy and our bodies. Making conscious that selflove, sex positivity and pleasure starts within. This erotic recess was the strongest one I’ve ever experienced in the time I’ve been facilitating these circles. It was so clear that the women here were unapologetically sexual, strong, determined and outspoken; just what this world needs.
Going back to my morning walk thoughts, as I remembered Bodysex I thought about pleasure... I realized that I also spent more than a month without masturbating, hence, without feeling safe and determined. The last time I masturbated was Bodysex (December), and yesterday I masturbated again. With my first orgasm, I heard a voice reassuring me: “Everything is fine, everything will be fine”, and then a sudden feeling of safety. I saw the images of my naked sisters in the circle, the laughter, the hugs, the orgasms. I saw joy, support, understanding.
When I was planning this Bodysex I was a bit afraid, this was the first time I was facilitating a group that was completely sex positive and I thought: "what do I have to offer if they already know about sexuality, masturbation and pleasure?" A good friend of mine whom I met at Bodysex and I admire because of her knowledge and experience told me: “every time I go I learn something” (she’s been in more than one Bodysex workshops). And those words stuck in my head. If someone like HER is still learning, there is a lot that I can share and much more that I can learn.
And I did. I was in a circle created by the women that will be fighting for everything that is being ripped out of us today. These strong women will lead the fight, will take their personal struggles, their life experiences and will resist. There is no one else in the world that I would like to fight this war than these strong, determined women.
Every day, the speech of this stupid moron in power makes me feel rejected, and even being a privileged Mexican woman, I’m still afraid to go back to my country and face the consequences of his and my government's idiotic decisions. But when I masturbate, when I have independent orgasms, when I am in the nude sharing about my body and my orgasms, when I look at my vulva and my sister’s vulvas, when I masturbate in the circle, when I read the work of my Bodysex sisters, when I listen to Carlin and Betty, I feel safe.
There is a lot of rejection and hate coming forward, but you know what? As long as I accept and love myself, I will feel strong enough to resist, to fight and to spread the idea that pleasure is our way to heal.
Let’s resist, let’s heal.