Just Married, Sexual Superpowers & Learning Not to Stop

Mon, 08/05/2013 - 10:54
Submitted by Eric Amaranth

I tied the knot. Eric Amaranth is now a married man. Happily as well. My wife appreciates my capability to do multiple forms of sexual stimulation to her simultaneously and successfully. The more that's going on, the better and the easier for her to orgasm(s). Combos of everything from physical stim to mental and verbal stim. She didn't have to practice to develop this ability. However, when we met, she had no idea her body and neurology favored this because it had never been done to her before. It was there waiting to be uncovered. Or... to stay hidden permanently like forgotten buried treasure.

This is what I call a sexual superpower. Something that is innate and works the first time you try it. You don't know how it got there. You were born with it and it allows something to happen very easily and/or dramatically during some form of sexplay. Another example of a superpower is not having a gag reflex, or a very mild one. People with this perform deep throat the easiest. Another one is a person who has naturally erotically sensitive nipples/breasts that can be stimulated to create major physical arousal very quickly and effectively and sometimes trigger a bigger genital-based orgasm with or in rare cases without combined genital stimulation.

Another category of superpower is having a characteristic that may be a disadvantage for one thing but a boon for another. One of the classic examples of this is a long penis. Not every woman likes one so long and knows how to take advantage of length. If that guy meets a woman with a naturally deep vagina (yes, vagina comes in different sizes too) then the two are a good match in their eyes. While we're on the genital size topic, naturally wide vagina makes it easy to get into vaginal fisting particularly when she's heterosexual.

Men's hands are, as we all know, bigger than women's which can prevent the majority of straight couples from going there or getting there easily. A free suggestion I have for women who want the ultimate in size and fullness, plus the dexterity of a hand for even more pleasures, is to start with vaginal intercourse with clitoral stimulation. Have an orgasm from that, then go for the hand. There are specifics to learning how to vaginally fist, so don't try it (wide vagina or not) unless you know what you're doing.

One of the most common secondary superpowers is a very sensitive clitoris which coincidentally is good at orgasming from friction of the pubic bone area against it when she's on top or when the person doing the fucking is and knows how to rub consistently against her clit while pumping inside her vagina with penis/dildo. This is perhaps the most commonly mistaken form of "vaginal orgasm". Women have reported orgasming during intercourse in positions like these and sometimes aren't aware that the clitoris is getting its lovin' and logically assume it was a vaginal-based orgasm. Some would question why it matters. Why is it so important to understand where the orgasm is triggered from?

It's vital to know the source firstly to eliminate confusion when the woman reports to others that she can "come from fucking", but unbeknownst to her, the women in her audience don't have as sensitive a clitoris as her's. Frictioning against a body may feel good, but it's simply not enough to build and trigger an orgasm. Worse than that though is the culture is so hell-bent, for many reasons, on producing a "vaginal orgasm" that nowhere in her statement to the audience was the clitoris mentioned, so the listeners quite logically assume from the context that a penis/dildo moving in and out of vagina is all she needs. Not true! But that's what's heard and then people think she's a liar or feel discouraged that their vaginas can't do the same thing.

The more specific we are about where the different forms of female orgasm are triggered, the more we can do with the sex we're having and the better our information to others. Needless to say, women can be sexual braggarts just like men, but for different things. Men boast about making her come with just his almighty penis. Rawr, /flex, etc. Women boast to their friends (and maybe the men they're about to have sex with) in a more under the table sort of way that they can have "vaginal orgasms" knowing that those around them cannot. It's time to end the misunderstandings, the hurt feelings, and the envy. I'd understand those unfortunates if the knowledge wasn't available in this day and age, but it is.

Instead of treating successful sex as another bragging rights point, which is destructive and dark aged, we as a group must press for a cultural reality that wants to help each other to have the best sexual connections possible. If for no other reason than to forward an agenda to keep more romantic relationships together and working well. No, this ideal won't be embraced by everyone. However, if just 20% of us all changed our treatment of others and valued accuracy in sexual knowledge, our adult world would change for the better. You would see the change in the media and roundtable discussions of sex.

On a related topic, this blanket acceptance and sometimes belligerent reinforcement of vague understandings of female sexuality has been adopted by the larger portion of the sexology and psychology community within the past five to seven years. Back in Masters and Johnson's and Kinsey's day, (and when I went into this field) the designations of clitoral vs vaginal vs gspot etc. orgasm were valued. Now, due to pressure from well-meaning sources, they have done away with specificity and are telling people that it doesn't matter where the female orgasm comes from. Their answer is something to the effect of, "There are many interminglings of nerves and zones within the female sexual anatomy and it's so varied that we can't ever be sure. And, we can't hurt some women's feelings, or sound like we're pressuring people to get better at sex."

Of all things on the planet that humans undertake, sex, in these people's eyes, is the one thing that isn't P.C. to get better at. Everyone is entitled to their treatment of their sex life. However, it's the first time I've seen a scientific community retrograde in its demand for more specific data because of lack of accurate data and wanting to be politically correct. To not offend certain women or male egoes for that matter. I say no to that treatment of female sexuality. It deserves better and what I have discovered and improved in terms of advancing female human sexual response would never have been possible without specificity. Both I and my clients can create more sexual dishes for the women in our lives by knowing more than by being vague.

Now, about that other topic: learning to not stop. What I mean by that is when a woman starts her sex life with the pattern that sextime is over when she comes once. Often this is reinforced in heterosexual sex by the fact that he has already had his orgasm and now it's time to snuggle-- everytime. Nothing wrong with that, but there can be more. One of my sex life coaching clients brought it up as one of he and his wife's successes that she, on her own, picked up a sex toy (that I suggested they get to facilitate a more powerful clitoral orgasm when comboed with clit stim) and started using it. She wanted her husband to watch her and make his penis rise sooner to get back inside her for more fucking combined -with- the toy's pleasures.

She had a big clitoral orgasm from the toy working one zone inside her vagina while her fingers slipped and slid over her clitoris which had already come once during their first round of intercourse. She was going to come a third time with her husband's hard cock making its presence known, plus the toy inside with it, plus his fingers on her clitoris too. This woman learned what was possible with her body and she wanted it-- wanted it all.

This is an example of what I'm talking about when I say greater sexual sophistication. It seems so simple to some women who at some point in their lives realize they can keep going and do so. Not everyone sees or feels that possibility due to attention or they try it one particular way and it doesn't work, so doing more gets written off in every respect. Our culture at large doesn't give us messages along the way that we could find another way to do this or the searchings are attacked. That path then is never sought. The time has come, like I said before, for more. As adults in our time, we are ready.

Sex life coaching and neo-male perspectives.

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Just Married, Sexual Superpowers...

Mon, 08/05/2013 - 17:38

Oh Eric! I just LOVE this :-) There's an honesty and vulnerability that always shines through your message. Again, much love...

Congratulations, and thanks for the sound advice

Mon, 08/05/2013 - 20:11

First, congratulations on your marriage. I wish you both many years of happiness. I also love the idea of keeping 'more romantic relationships together and working well'. This isn't about falling for the cultural myths about starry-eyed romance, but about two people who are special to one another committing to doing whatever it takes to maintain and enhance that special connection. A loving and satisfying sex life is a huge part of this, and accurate and specific sexual knowledge is absolutely vital in achieving it.

While I'm sure you're right about the benefits for many women of 'learning not to stop', in my experience (and in our culture) I think this applies much more to men. We're the ones who are constantly told to ration our orgasms, because we're presumably limited to one and only one in any given session. I've even seen this 'fact' insisted upon in a college web site on human sexuality. I learned in my marriage that it was entirely possible for men to keep going, too. It doesn't take any superpowers either, it just takes believing that it's possible---refusing to fall for the cultural myth of the inevitably mono-orgasmic male. I believe it's good for both partners to know they're not necessarily done for the day after their first orgasm---they can give and get more. It isn't always necessary for either partner to keep going if they're both truly satisfied, of course. Sometimes it's good to just cuddle. But if both partners are still in the mood for more, why not give one another more? Men appreciate expertise in bed every bit as much as women do. It's truly a gift for men as well as women when we have an enthusiastic and very skillful partner dedicated to our sexual happiness.

For goodness sake, give it

Tue, 08/06/2013 - 10:44
lsjb (not verified)

For goodness sake, give it up. Those of us in the clinical sexology community give credit to Masters and Johnson for just bringing sex out of the closet.  We no longer use them as a bible or litmus test.  We, like you, needed years of research and willingness and yes,courage, to change our beliefs, do the research to validate our findings and help our clients have better sex.  We want everyone, who wants to, to have better sex too.
Your information is very interesting but it is still anecdotal.  How many clients have you had? how much follow up do you do? after a week, a month, a year? what/
I don't know why you need to pick on "us" as a group whenever you can. We are not Pharma. We are first responders. A little respect please.

Why?

Tue, 08/06/2013 - 14:58
deera (not verified)

I am curious as to why you got married. I would have thought that someone as sexually progressive as you are would feel stiffled within the instutition of marriage. Is your marriage open to sex with other partners? If so, why get married? Why not just live together. 

Why is it that men always

Tue, 08/06/2013 - 16:20
Elin A (not verified)

Why is it that men always boast about being able to do more than one thing at a time? It's not a great skill, sexually or otherwise. If you can't multitask, you probably have some kind of disability.

multitasking?

Wed, 08/07/2013 - 13:28

Sorry, I'm with the woman I saw in the food co-op wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with a nix sign through multitasking. I was wearing a t-shirt that said I love dogs, it's humans that annoy me. We each congratulated the other on a brilliant t-shirt.

Elin, I didn't know that men . . .

Wed, 08/07/2013 - 18:06

Elin, I didn't know that men always boasted about being able to do several things at once. That could possibly be an overgeneralization. I think that many people today are forced to try to do several things at once because this is the standard now demanded by profit-hungry corporations who want to squeeze every last ounce of 'productivity' out of the workers they haven't yet laid off. The leisure time to do one thing really well can be hard to come by in a profit-driven world. Personally, I'd rather be able to give my full attention to doing that one thing well.

2 mins

Thu, 08/08/2013 - 14:20

There's science to it, but I see sex as an art with the ability for us all to be creative. My penis is gonna do it's 2 mins and doesn't have to be responsible for my partners orgasm and isn't gonna try and compete with superdildos with multiple attachments including an egg whisk :) Anyway, congrats on your marraige Eric :)

Hey Patric, Don't read too

Fri, 08/09/2013 - 08:29
Elin A (not verified)

Hey Patric,

Don't read too much into my comment. I just find it annoying how Amaranth sneaks sexual self-praise into this post. In an article he also described himself being able to fill the function of two or three people in a sex act, which seems rediqilous unless he actually can grow two or four more arms, role-play several characters at once as approaching from several different directions.

I don't see the female bloggers in here doing this kind of boasting. I also see this tendency mirrored in general society. 

Nothing said of anyone's actual skills, it's the boasting and exaggerations I have a problem with.

I agree

Fri, 08/09/2013 - 11:43
Dotty (not verified)

with you, Elin. Having read several of Eric's articles I find myself being bored by his constant self-praise and prefer articles by the female bloggers.
Men boast on being multi-taskers but everyone knows it's the women who really master it (childcare, hello?!).

Yes Elin, I see what you're saying

Fri, 08/09/2013 - 12:50

Thanks, I understand. I suppose where Eric is coming from is that he learned from one of the best, Betty Dodson. I must admit I don't quite understand how the multiple forms of stimulation thing would work. But I don't think it's unusual for people to stimulate more than one erogenous area at the same time during sex (such as the vulva and breasts), and perhaps that's all that's implied. If it's much more complicated than that it's a bit hard to picture, isn't it?

I don't know about male versus female boasting in society as a whole, but in general men have been socialized to feel that they have to master every situation they encounter in life and to believe they've failed if they haven't.  Since it isn't of course possible to do well at everything, most men are more insecure than they let on, which can lead to various ways of trying to counteract that insecurity. (I'm speaking in general terms here and not specifically about Eric's post.) You're right, I also haven't noticed the female bloggers talking about their successful techniques in partner sex, but I think that's mostly because the main focus on D&R is on promoting and enhancing female sexuality, not on the skills straight women use with their partners. There's been very little discussion of that here as far as I can recall.

Yes, Patrick. I see there has

Sun, 08/11/2013 - 17:34
Elin A (not verified)

Yes, Patrick. I see there has to be a reason that men boast about their "capabilities" more than women do, wether they really are good in bed or not. I think it's a cultural phenomenon.

I'm sure there's lots of female bloggers that could boast about having good love-making skills, but don't. One could write a post promoting female sexuality, sneaking in a bit of poorly veiled "I'm such a good lover". But why would you? It's irrelevant. So why does Amaranth? Or Lanoff, who I think does it, too. The way I see it, it all comes back to big ol' male ego. Blaeh!

I think you should blog here, Patrick. You always write with compassion, insight and an open mind. You kind perspective always lifts me up - especially since I'm a very critically inclined person. But that aside, I would love to hear more of your thoughts on sex, human relations and love - guaranteed boast free! 

Errin, Patrick and Dotty I agree with you

Mon, 08/12/2013 - 13:04

And Patrick I've worked with a woman who had the same insecurities who use to lie about what she could do. People use to say about her "If you've been to the moon, she went there 1st" :) I've read loads of articles expressing that women feel they have to be good at everything too. At work and at home, juggling the two and having everything. 

So as a solution, Nigella Lawson or Jamie Oliver don't say I am the best chef in the world, not as far as I know, but they do hype their game in many clever ways including the production values of theire shows. After all how many people have actually tasted anything they've made? It might be awful :) We can't taste Nigella or Jamie's food and we can't see Eric or Lawrence having sex or experience it, so they should learn from Nigella and Jamie and not from Donald Trump :) Lol and avoid the temptation to boast. 

Thank you, Elin

Tue, 08/13/2013 - 02:52

Well, aren't you nice, Elin---I appreciate your extremely kind remarks. You and I have had some very spirited discussions on D&R, but we've always been respectful of one another even when we differed. Since we can both (just occasionally!) be rather firm in our opinions, I think that's quite an accomplishment!

I agree that boasting is irritating, but it doesn't hurt to keep in mind
that in general (again not referring to anyone specific on D&R),
people usually boast not because they think they're wonderful but
because they fear they're not. I would guess that men are more likely than women to play up their sexual abilities because great social pressure has traditionally been placed on men to be very skilled sexual partners who 'perform' for the benefit of the woman. For their part, women aren't supposed to admit they like sex at all, much less claim to be good at it, lest they be called sluts or even worse. Both men and woman face tremendous pressures to be something they're not, they're just not the identical pressures. (But equally soul-destroying in my opinion.) The 'male ego' probably makes women the world over roll their eyes, but it's really a lack of ego caused by the gap between what society says men should be like, and the reality of being a fallible male human being.

I love the bloggers on D&R---I only wish many of them would post more often, because some of my favorites seem to have gone into hiding and only post new material a few times a year if that. They all have something valuable to say, so it would be nice to hear more of it. My own opinions sometimes put me in a minority here, so I don't know that I'd be the sort of blogger that D&R is looking for. But once again you've been very kind to me and I appreciate it. I'd be delighted to keep exchanging ideas with you (and everyone)---I look forward to much enjoyable discussion.

That's funny, Jake

Tue, 08/13/2013 - 03:23

Yes, I totally agree that women face tremendous pressures too that can make them profoundly insecure. It seems to me that there are some differences---men are supposed to think that they're capable in principle of being nearly perfect and ought to feel like failures because they're not. Whereas it seems to me that women are never supposed to feel that they can be good enough, no matter what they do. The result in both cases is a lot of unnecessary unhappiness.

That's funny about Nigella and Jamie. They're great self-promoters, but what if they make food that only looks good but tastes awful? Well, some people know they're good at something and they're right, but when is it wise to share this? You made me laugh bringing up Donald Trump. When I was replying to Elin it occurred to me that I was raised to believe that the ideal man would be a combination of James Bond, Donald Trump, and Dr Kildare (old American television show about a saintly doctor). Absolute rubbish---and who could be a worse role model than the first two?

You two are funny :-) Anyway,

Tue, 08/13/2013 - 05:29
Elin A (not verified)

You two are funny :-)
Anyway, to finish things here I'd like to say that, Patric, I don't think you're in minority. But if you are it makes your input all the more valuable. It's nice to agree and all, but the risk is that the climate becomes generic. I feel that's been the case sometimes in this forum. Now I know I can have a tone that people might find provocative, but that aside I've felt that just the fact that I disagree a lot has been viewed as a problem. It's been kind of like "Yeah, we'll let you say what you want (alsmost), but we don't really like it". And that is a much bigger problem. At least if you want a place where ideas may flow freely.
Just take this discussion as an example. I fully expected to be completely trashed for crtiticizing Amaranth, sexual wunderkind, and instead it seems there were people out there who's had the same thought. Had I not been as stubborn as I am, I'd chosen to let it go. What's the point if people are just going to criticize you for criticizing? Now I'm glad I didn't.
And Patric, you most definetly should. I'm surprised they havn't invited you to blog here yet. Perhaps they fear you'll show a positive side to monogamy, eh?

The free flow of ideas

Wed, 08/14/2013 - 15:56

Elin, that's a hugely important point. A forum like D&R exists for supporting those who ask for help and it provides information that's hard to find elsewhere, but it's also a place to exchange ideas. As long as we're not threatening or abusive, I think we all ought to feel free to say what's on our minds---you, me, and everyone else. Every once in a while I've thought of blogging, but more on a personal page where I could feel free to explore any topic that interests me. I'm sure that the good folks at D&R contact anyone they'd like to blog for them, but I'd be surprised if I were ever one of them. Anyway, the main thing is that we can enjoy reading and responding to one another's posts, just as we're doing now. Forum posts are great because everyone can see them and express their own ideas in response. D&R members can also contact one another privately if they like, too. Not everyone knows this. It's good to have more than one option for sharing our thoughts.

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