It wasn't until C and I actually took the first, and tentative, steps into cuckoldry that I grasped just how much of a voyeur I think I have always been.
Sure, I had watched my fair share of porn, but that's quite a bit different from the rush of seeing your own wife with another guy. With porn, it's two people you don't remotely know. But, with cuckoldry---it was my wife there in front of me with another guy!!!
I think that some of my motivation to go along with that was my previous self-loathing as bisexual. The fact that this contributed directly to the break up of my first marriage carried over into my current one. The more I have thought about it, the more convinced I have become that my initial attraction to the idea of being my wife's cuckold came directly out of a sense of needing "further punishment" for being a bisexual.
Along with the feeling of unfinished punishment, there was an undeniable component of erotic excitement in being punished! There has been a very definite form of masochism for me when it came to my growing realization that I was not heterosexual. This goes way, way back into not just my adult life, but back into my youth as well.
Not to lay too big of an emphasis on it, but my early conservative religious upbringing played a major role in much of this. I believe that there is a great deal of latent S&M embedded deep inside Christian orthodoxy. Just look at what Paul the Apostle wrote, and it's fairly plain to see where a lot of this twisted thinking came from in the early infancy of the faith.
For me, there was always two sides of this struggle---the first was the "shame" of knowing I wasn't straight (enough), but the other side to it was a strange sense of erotic excitement. These two aspects became so intertwined, that there was no way to ever successfully disentangle them. The guilt, the shame, the self-loathing carried with them a certain form of pleasure, and they influenced, and reinforced one another in numerous ways. This concoction was also latently toxic, and did much harm to me until....
Looking back on it now, me freely choosing to be my wife's cuckold (and the erotic thrill that accompanies it) is something that was inherently part of my mental make up for decades. Punishment. Shame. Guilt. These were the un-holy trinity of my growing up. I lived and breathed this sort of thing.
I have ceased (pretty much) seeing myself as a cuckold as a form of being "punished" for not being straight (enough), and yet, I do believe that it certainly led the way to where I now find myself. My wife always found it hard to understand my long struggle with self-loathing, but she was fortunate not to have the religious upbringing I had! Lucky her.
Of course, when she first found out that I was bisexual, it upset her. For a while, she felt uncertain what the future held for her as my wife, and our marriage might have ended had it not been for the eventual adoption of a new sort of marital/sexual lifestyle; the one we have now.
I started this post out talking about porn, but there is absolutely nothing like the thrill that comes (and I am speaking only for myself here) when one of the people fucking is my own wife! How could there be any bigger taboo to bust than that one?! It would be hard to imagine anything else that could shake things up more than that for any married couple.
The Catholic practice of Confession has always seemed to me to contain a certain masochistic element. Masochistic perhaps, but I had this incredible feeling of release as I started coming out to my wife! Once the gate was open, the rest soon flowed out. The fear was there, too, but I'll never forget that sense of release after words. It was keeping things secret where the fear, and the power of that resided the strongest. Once the secret was no longer a secret, the horizon suddenly opened up. This is very similar to the way I have approached the evolution of cuckoldry within my marriage.
My "punishment" (in the form of facing the fact that I was not straight, the emotional stress involved in telling my wife that, and the potential for divorce because of all this), was also, at the same time, strangely erotic. So, in that sense, there was, within the context of this "confession", a definite element of masochism (and with that, there was that sense of sexual thrill).
Being a cuckold has become the next step in the evolution of my marriage. Is it based on punishment? Initially, yes, I think it definitely was; but for me, the "punishment", as such, has also evolved into something "pleasurable." I think a faithful Catholic leaving the confessional booth must feel something of the same. Perhaps this is merely a different way of saying "catharsis?" There's nothing inherently magical, or efficacious, about religious confession. It's efficaciousness is derived from the honest facing of certain facts. Any one can do this. Religious, or not!
Cuckoldry as a form of "penance?" I suppose so. In a way. But it isn't as cut and dried, or black and white as that. But, cuckoldry-as-penance does come close to defining how I generally tend to feel about where my life now stands. If feeling strangely happy in my wife's greatly expanded sexual freedom (while mine remains more strictly bounded) is a "punishment", then I'll hold on to that. Besides, this sort of "punishment" has been fantastic for my relationship with my wife---as counter intuitive as that might seem to some.
The connection of confession with pleasure may be due to the relief that comes from having faced something previously dreaded; and once you have, your free.