October 5th has come and gone, but it was a significant date for me, as well as for my wife. October 5th was the date (now over two years ago) when I "came out" to her that I was a bisexual! Actually, you could say that October 5th was my second coming out, because she and I had been down that road already. It's a convoluted story.
Before October 5th, 2009, I had wanted to come out to her many times, but had been afraid to do so for fear of the repercussion's. Then, she came across some things I had been writing, and had left laying out by accident. I got a phone call at work from her, and she said she wanted me to come home and have a talk about what she had found. I'll never forget the sense of hurt I could hear in her voice. I felt sick inside as I drove home that day. I was certain that our marriage was heading straight for a divorce, and I didn't want that to happen.
Anyway, we talked for hours. She wanted to know if thought of myself as "gay", or was I "bisexual" (whatever that was suppose to mean)! We took a long walk that afternoon and talked and talked. It would be impossible to touch on everything we talked about that day. One thing she wanted to know for certain was I insisting on having sex with other men? The short answer was: Yes. The more nuanced answer, however, was far more complicated! She said that she loved me, and yet, if I did insist on having sexual relationships with other men, that she would not be able to handle that. She didn't think that she could, in her words "share" me like that. Emotionally, that would be just too much for her to deal with. Also, there was the matter of HIV-AIDS.
She feared that in me having sex with other men, that she would never feel safe in having sex with me because of the fear that I might have contracted that disease! The fear in her eyes was very real. It forced me to begin reevaluating my original intention to have sex with other men. It had been a long time since I had been with another guy, and I had come to miss that; however, I did not want to loose my marriage over that! If I had to sacrifice something in order to keep our marriage alive, then sex with other men would have to take a back seat! In some ways it did, and in others, it didn't; and that issue would resurface at a later time.
Shortly after this, I became involved with a bisexual "support group" that met once a week. I began going (in part with my wife's encouragement!). The group lasted nearly the entire summer. When it ended, the whole topic of my sexuality slowly slipped into silence once again. I felt a certain sense of relief in that. For months, my wife and I had been on the emotional roller-coaster. We couldn't keep that up forever. I remember feeling strangely exhilarated one day, and then the next, an equally strange sense of gloom would assert itself. So, the topic of my sexuality took a back seat. I even thought for a while that maybe now that she and I had "faced it", that my sexual orientation would cease to be a live option! In time, that would prove to be false. My bisexuality (and the "queer" part of it) did not "go away" in the least!
Then, on October 5th of 2009, I wrote my wife a long letter telling her that I was tired of dancing around the issue of my sexuality; and that I would never not be bi; and that I wanted her to stop entertaining whatever hope she might have had that this had gone away! I told her that I wanted to be more open about it (especially with her)! I was tired of dodging the issue with her. I also told her that I wanted to have some sort of outlet for my queer feelings and thoughts! I told her that I had not violated my original promise to her that I wouldn't have sex with other men; and yet, the thoughts of doing so hadn't ceased. I felt she needed to understand that. I told her that I had no intentions of denying my bisexual orientation, or whatever queer, or gay feelings might arise in the future. If she couldn't live with that, then she might want to divorce me. I felt I had to give her that option.
We didn't get a divorce.
Instead, we have slowly created a marriage that might best be described as a "mixed-orientation" marriage. We have had our ups and downs, to be sure. It hasn't always been easy for either of us. The biggest challenge for us has been to understand that a queer man can love a straight woman. A marriage is whatever a couple makes of it. There probably aren't two marriages anywhere alike; so, why couldn't a bisexual man and a straight woman be able to have a loving and supportive marriage? My wife now accepts that I have homoerotic thoughts and feelings for certain men, now and then; and yet, she also knows that I love her!
Sure, it's complicated, but it's our life!
Knowing that I sometimes entertained sexual thoughts about occasional other men (even if I didn't actually act them out!) was still hard for my wife to handle. It probably still is, to a certain degree, though it's become easier for her over the last two years. Easier? Well, probably easier, but not necessarily easy! She isn't as bothered by it, at least. In part, I think because she knows that I really do love her, and that I want to make the marriage we have succeed!!
Thanks to the Inter-net, it's a relief to know that there are others in similar circumstances! I don't consider myself an "expert" on such relationships; but, what I do have is my own experiences to go on, and the hope that this might help others! To know that this has assisted some other couple(s) would be very satisfying.