Coming Out as Bisexual

Sat, 11/26/2011 - 16:38
Submitted by Edgerman58

October 5th has come and gone, but it was a significant date for me, as well as for my wife. October 5th was the date (now over two years ago) when I "came out" to her that I was a bisexual! Actually, you could say that October 5th was my second coming out, because she and I had been down that road already. It's a convoluted story.

Before October 5th, 2009, I had wanted to come out to her many times, but had been afraid to do so for fear of the repercussion's. Then, she came across some things I had been writing, and had left laying out by accident. I got a phone call at work from her, and she said she wanted me to come home and have a talk about what she had found. I'll never forget the sense of hurt I could hear in her voice. I felt sick inside as I drove home that day. I was certain that our marriage was heading straight for a divorce, and I didn't want that to happen.

Anyway, we talked for hours. She wanted to know if thought of myself as "gay", or was I "bisexual" (whatever that was suppose to mean)! We took a long walk that afternoon and talked and talked. It would be impossible to touch on everything we talked about that day. One thing she wanted to know for certain was I insisting on having sex with other men? The short answer was: Yes. The more nuanced answer, however, was far more complicated! She said that she loved me, and yet, if I did insist on having sexual relationships with other men, that she would not be able to handle that. She didn't think that she could, in her words "share" me like that. Emotionally, that would be just too much for her to deal with. Also, there was the matter of HIV-AIDS.

She feared that in me having sex with other men, that she would never feel safe in having sex with me because of the fear that I might have contracted that disease! The fear in her eyes was very real. It forced me to begin reevaluating my original intention to have sex with other men. It had been a long time since I had been with another guy, and I had come to miss that; however, I did not want to loose my marriage over that! If I had to sacrifice something in order to keep our marriage alive, then sex with other men would have to take a back seat! In some ways it did, and in others, it didn't; and that issue would resurface at a later time.

Shortly after this, I became involved with a bisexual "support group" that met once a week. I began going (in part with my wife's encouragement!). The group lasted nearly the entire summer. When it ended, the whole topic of my sexuality slowly slipped into silence once again. I felt a certain sense of relief in that. For months, my wife and I had been on the emotional roller-coaster. We couldn't keep that up forever. I remember feeling strangely exhilarated one day, and then the next, an equally strange sense of gloom would assert itself. So, the topic of my sexuality took a back seat. I even thought for a while that maybe now that she and I had "faced it", that my sexual orientation would cease to be a live option! In time, that would prove to be false. My bisexuality (and the "queer" part of it) did not "go away" in the least!

Then, on October 5th of 2009, I wrote my wife a long letter telling her that I was tired of dancing around the issue of my sexuality; and that I would never not be bi; and that I wanted her to stop entertaining whatever hope she might have had that this had gone away! I told her that I wanted to be more open about it (especially with her)! I was tired of dodging the issue with her. I also told her that I wanted to have some sort of outlet for my queer feelings and thoughts! I told her that I had not violated my original promise to her that I wouldn't have sex with other men; and yet, the thoughts of doing so hadn't ceased. I felt she needed to understand that. I told her that I had no intentions of denying my bisexual orientation, or whatever queer, or gay feelings might arise in the future. If she couldn't live with that, then she might want to divorce me. I felt I had to give her that option.

We didn't get a divorce.

Instead, we have slowly created a marriage that might best be described as a "mixed-orientation" marriage. We have had our ups and downs, to be sure. It hasn't always been easy for either of us. The biggest challenge for us has been to understand that a queer man can love a straight woman. A marriage is whatever a couple makes of it. There probably aren't two marriages anywhere alike; so, why couldn't a bisexual man and a straight woman be able to have a loving and supportive marriage? My wife now accepts that I have homoerotic thoughts and feelings for certain men, now and then; and yet, she also knows that I love her!
Sure, it's complicated, but it's our life!

Knowing that I sometimes entertained sexual thoughts about occasional other men (even if I didn't actually act them out!) was still hard for my wife to handle. It probably still is, to a certain degree, though it's become easier for her over the last two years. Easier? Well, probably easier, but not necessarily easy! She isn't as bothered by it, at least. In part, I think because she knows that I really do love her, and that I want to make the marriage we have succeed!!

Thanks to the Inter-net, it's a relief to know that there are others in similar circumstances! I don't consider myself an "expert" on such relationships; but, what I do have is my own experiences to go on, and the hope that this might help others! To know that this has assisted some other couple(s) would be very satisfying.

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Sat, 11/26/2011 - 23:23
VioletDragon (not verified)

First of all, thank you so much for sharing your story.  And congratulations on the steps you've made in your marriage to make it work as best as possible.  No relationship is perfect but it sounds like you and your wife are doing a pretty damn good job together.  

I find it sad that male fantasy and societal double standards have brought us to a point that (and I believe this to be true) the majority of women would have a problem with being in a relationship with a bisexual man.  And most men wouldn't be able to comprehend it.  Yet if the role were reversed and the man were straight and the woman were bisexual I'm sure noone would see any issue.  No problem whatsoever.  The common image of FFM threesomes, twins, and any kind of girl on girl action through porn and overall straight male dominance in society has perpetuated these double standards.

I am a bisexual woman and currently in a very committed relationship with a straight male.  When I first told him I was bisexual I remember seeing a very specific smile on his face and shine in his eyes as though this was his automatic in to a FFM threesome.  Furthermore anytime I express an interest in a specific woman he sort of laughs as though I am bicurious and am just experimenting.  There is nothing wrong with experimenting with sexualtiy, in fact I think it should be encouraged, but I am most definitley 100% bisexual so his lack of serious and genuine acceptance of my sexuality is frustrating at best.  I can relate to you in the fact that we are almost going through the exact opposite results from the same situation and they are both tough.

Anyway thank you for sharing your story, it helps to remind me that I am not alone.  And good luck in continuing your adventurous battle.

To Violet Dragon

Sun, 11/27/2011 - 13:15

Thanks for the very nice reply. It does help when you find other people undergoing similar challenges, and suceeding at it (to the best of thier ability)! I can't give you any specific things to do to help your partner have a better attitude towards your bisexuality. There are some interesting books on the subject, and some films (non-porn) that have bisexual characters and issues, that might help him take your sexuality more respectfully. NetFlix has an entire LGBT sub-section that you might find interesting things to share with him. See what works best. You know him. I don't. Good luck and take care.

It does not matter if female or male.

Mon, 10/07/2013 - 17:20
Maria Misoono (not verified)

Hi. Thank you very much for sharing your story. It is fantastic that you and your wife have gone through the difficult time. I can imagine it was really hard for both of you.
I am a bisexual woman who has a straight boyfriend. He accepts sexual minorities without any problem and it was he who found out I am actually bisexual. He does not care at all my sexual orientation at same time he thinks it is very important I have found out what I am. I do not at all intend to have sex with anyone else, but he is the only one even though I often imagine to have sex with girls or other men during masterbating. He does not mind at all and thinks it is good to have imagination with someone else under the masterbating.
One thing I do not understand about you is it seems like you would like to have a sexual relationship with other men even though you love your wife. Why? For me it does not matter if a partner is woman or man. The important matter is I do love the person and to be faithful to the person. I do not understand why you would like to have sex with someone else. Or do I misunderstand you?